The Cube

Music: City of Angel’s soundtrack

I am back in Cleveland. I am sitting here crying at the moment. I am feeling so much today and having a hard time focusing. Writing often is good no matter if I just babble about something non-important - daily events or real issues…it helps purge some of what is in me so that I am able to focus. It gives me direction.

Direction…just what a girl like me seeks. : )

Last night I signed online and Linda was online so I told her I was back in Cleveland safe and sound. And then I signed off and called Aydeen and then Nick.

Nick and I talked for quite a while. I was feeling on edge right when I got on the plane and it did not ease up. Nick helped relax me. Our conversations since telling him about visiting Monseigneur E and Linda have been different. The same Nick but more…direct Nick. Which has happened in the past when I have told him about playing with someone. But even now it is stronger then it was before. He mentioned the future many times. It made me smile and sad all at once.

I then hung up with him and was going to go take a shower and go to bed but ended up talking with Kam for a little bit. It was fine…I wonder if he feels the tension in the air like I do?

I dreamed of my cube the other night…it changed. It is so weird how already how I view things…view myself has changed.

Today, Monseigneur E and I had a conversation that was not one of the better ones but there is no focus for me today so I am just a little out of whack. In it… he asked…if I doubt my decision making that much…that I doubt my decisions. And yes I have always been like that I never made decisions based on what I want growing up. I made them based on what others expected of me. And so I always had that nagging part of me that knew there was more…or something else because I was not living for me. I did get to a point where I live for me. But right now with everything…everyone. I feel like I am being pulled in many directions.

And I put myself there.

I do not want things to change…with Monseigneur E. I want his control. And I want to serve him. But as he pointed out…it is not permanent. And even if I feel everyone is moving me there already…as he pointed out there is an expiration date on it…on the control and service.

How did that make me feel? More awful lol

More out of control. More scared. More…

F*ck

Looking at it from another perspective…

He is trying to calm me by showing there is less stress about visiting then I am placing on it. With all that I have to do right now….he is trying to lessen my stress. But of course being the normal neurotic person I am…I do/did not get that.

I have a headache LOL

I will type more later…just going to go unpack and listen to some music and veg for a little bit to calm everything down.