Active Life

Written Sunday 7pm

This weekend was busy for me as usual. Life in Cleveland just has fallen into its usual routine even with all the changes in my life going on…I am still very active in the community and with my friends. Which is something I don’t want to change. This week is going to be very busy for me. My goal is to get majority if packing, giving away, sorting, and organizing this week done. I want to by Thursday to have things all organized which I want to give away and have people come over anytime after that until I move and have my freebie market. Since Monseigneur E postponed my visit…my stress level has went down. I am still very stressed about getting it all done but having some extra time is making it a lesser stress. I was so overwhelmed last week it was hard to just pick one things and do it. I could not get my focus and now he helped me get it.

I miss talking to both Monseigneur E and Linda…after I have not for a while…I miss them. With Nick it is this craving in me that wants to talk to him daily even when I don’t get to. I told someone yesterday…I don’t have that with Monseigneur E yet. Well, I spoke too soon. I am actually craving to talk to both Monseigneur E and Linda. I have had some quick chats but since I have been back in Cleveland…I feel like I have not “talked” with them. I have chatted but not talked. So tonight I am missing Monseigneur E and Linda. : (

After hanging out with Katrina last night, I have lots of little things going through my mind. It is always good to share things with someone else. Katrina also understands so much of what I desire…so it is nice to be able to talk about those things. I told her things last night how he makes me feel and did while I was in Memphis. And those things made me feel the control and how much my life is going to change.

Written 12:40am - Monday

Well, I just came back from a good cry. I was upset and crying with things with Nick the other night. I have had some tears with things that have been happening these past weeks but I have not cried. And I am not sure that makes sense. I have not had that release of all the stress that is building and building…crying is often the way I do that. I had tears but not cried…I have not laid in my bed, hugging my pillow and cried. So, that is what I did tonight after Monseigneur E and Linda signed off. And I feel better but I feel like there is more there…unfortunately.

The crying tonight started because…of something specific. I felt internally…this wall come down. I am in a cautious mode right now…I feel like I am exposed…or more at risk right now to be exposed and hurt because I have so many changes going on. And I felt like something was vulnerable and I needed to batten the hatches down so to speak. I did not like that it was happening because I don‘t want it to happen. I want to be open with both Monseigneur E and Linda. So, that was one thing I was crying about because I was upset with myself for closing off. By the time Monseigneur E left I opened it up again though...some at least.

I am going to have to talk about the things I wrote in my offline journal this weekend. It just is opening me up. But I need to do that before I visit. I can’t get there like I am now…or things will go really slow.

Anyway…I am sorry I closed up. And I am going to work on not doing that again. Even though I think it is going to be something that I don’t even recognize until I am doing it. I did not realize it tonight right away.

Going to bed…this week is going to be full of long days. I need to get some sleep.