Not a Slave

Let’s see.....

Friday evening...

I had things to do. And then last moment decided to go to the social...for a local bdsm group. I had not been in a while and so it was good to go back and be around friends.

I was suppose to go to dinner with a local Dominant. That did not happen. And I discussed with a few of my close friends at the social - something that bothered me that happened with him via emails that day. They agreed with me that it was not a good thing. Red Flag for me. And after Saturday's conversation/argument with him I am glad I did not meet him.

After having a pretty icky Thursday, disagreements basically with 3 people, plus just feeling still out of it with what happened Monday/Tuesday - I just was happy to be out and about on Friday. Sir Nick and Di made me laugh lots on Friday so that helped me a lot. Sir Nick, not sure on this name for him here yet, Di calls him Ranger Danger :) And I like that nickname too.

Saturday

I got up and finished writing a story. And then talked with a few people online before doing some things around here.

I had a very interesting conversation with Mistress DM that I am still actually trying to decide if I agree with fully. She hit the nail on the head on one part. And then a few other parts I am not sure. Then I had similar conversations with Kam. So, it made me think about how I had been going about looking for HIM.

Mistress DM: you want to love and trust someone so deeply that you let him do whatever he wants to you....and because he loves you, know that he will do what you want at least some of the time

She also told me for the very first time that I am not a slave. That is weird. To hear that from her. Because she has for the longest time told me I was slave when I would say no I am not. I love to argue. Okay I better rephrase this what she said is that I do not want to be a slave and owned. And that I am not sure I totally agree with her on. I do not like saying I am slave because to me slave is a level of submission that you only get to when you are Owned. And so I am not owned and so I cannot be a slave. I am told I have what seems to be slave instincts - where the level of surrender I want is slave-like.

I want to give myself completely. I want to trust someone so deeply that I would do anything to please him and anything they asked because of that love and trust.

So that is not being a slave?

I am not sure. slave girl is a slave to me. But I wonder if others would see her as a slave or not. I want her life - well not exactly her life but I want the levels of submission, control, trust, love and so on that she has.

Mistress DM: is there anyone else in your life who can make you do things you don't want to do as easily as I do?

Danae: no

Mistress DM: better be careful then. there are men out there who are owners. like me but male. you may find yourself agreeing to be owned and then see it's not at all what you want

I do worry about that. I worry a lot that that the person I will find will not truly understand what I need and seek. Basically our discussion was that she said that owners are not fair or sensitive or compassionate or loving. And I disagree. I believe they just do things because it is what they want - the mood they are in - but I also think in the big picture they want their slave's needs to be met. Maybe I am delusional.

She told me I seek a romantic love that is not compatible with ownership. I disagree.

I was talking to Sir Nick last night. I said that I want a Master that I will have that fear in my eyes and body and feel the pain and endure but also enjoy it as I am a masochist. But I also want to have someone I can cuddle on the couch with enjoying a movie and a bowl of popcorn with. In both cases though I know where I belong. I know that basically that time is because he wants it and hopefully because he knows I need it.....that at any time though he could tell me to get off the couch and kneel before him and be used as a footstool.

Mistress DM told me that I do not have the drive to be slave...which I disagree with because I did it. I have done it a few times. Served without any regards to my feelings. Thing is though I do not think any slave will last with no regard to their feelings for long periods of time.

She said, "you don't have a drive to be owned, you want to be loved so much that the illusion is of ownership.”

I am still processing the conversation. I guess I am not sure what to make of it.

I do want to be loved. I do not think I have ever not wanted that. I do not think I always knew that but I do now. But I do not think I cannot be owned. Struggling on this topic.....guess I need more thought....