Saturday, August 25, 2007

I like girls

When I was little, I did not get that it wasn't accepted to be with or attracted to the opposite sex . I just thought it was not talked about like sex wasn't talked about. But I remember clearly being attracted to both men and women at a very young age. I just never said it out loud. As I got older approaching my teens, I still don't think I knew it was not accepted, but I tended to have crushes on males. When I entered high school, I then had crushes on girls and boys but never really named what I was feeling for girls as a crush. The first time I acted on feelings with a girl was at a slumber party. And it was because of truth or dare - she sensed I had a crush on her and dared me to go into the next bedroom with her and do what she told me. (We just kissed nothing more.) I had not told anyone about my desires for women up to that point because by high school I realized it was not accepted to be attracted to both males and females.

My attraction to men has always been one of a power dynamic mixed with SM. I just did not know there was a name for what I was seeking with a man way back then. I would always want to be with men that took charge....didn't always find them but I can look back and see that is what I was seeking. But with women most of the time it has been a vanilla type of attraction but of course on the rare occasion I have been topped or dominated by a female. Okay yes sue me - I can read about my first experience with a girl - doing what she told me to do. Maybe I have a thing for power dynamics with men and women. It just seems that there are less women that I feel that with then men. Or that I am not really into vanilla men but I am into vanilla and lifestyle women. (something I would like to come back to and write about - is the place where women can fall in an in between place for me - they aren't girlfriends but they are a friend but more. Not talking a fuck buddy either - it has nothing to do with sex. It is just a closeness. My girlie will get it as it is the relationship I have with her - anyway - something I do want to come back to so that is why I am noting it here.).

I feel at times I am like a guy about sex - with men. But I am a woman when having sex with women. For me with men - sex can just be sex. It is fun and exciting but it can just be sex. I don't need to get to know them. I don't need to see them again but still have had a great time. But with is so different for me. I need to get to know them before I would ever have sex with a woman or even take it to holding hands or kissing. I also usually tread carefully with women in bed....and usually feel unsure of myself for quite some time. I feel there is a difference for me because of intimacy. I feel a level of intimacy with women that I don't with men (usually). I still have problems with intimacy with women but I feel I can be vulnerable with women and they aren't going to walk away or be scared off. Most men I have been with can't handle the whole truth....just been my experience and I am not saying all men are like that. I am just saying this is how it has been for me.

So moving on....

Many of the women I have been had a big impact on my life....taught me about love in many different forms, beauty in myself, differences but same, intimacy and many other lessons.

One of them being...
- She had never been with a girl...really never had the thoughts of being with another woman but she found me attractive and desired me. She was a girl that served in the poly household with me and really the only one I desired out of all the girls he had. She was tall but so tiny that size 0 usually hung on her. She wore hardly any make up...just had this simple natural look. But she was just as comfortable in a pair of jeans as she was in high heels and mini skirt. And she looked good in everything she wore. Through her eyes I saw beauty in myself that I hadn't seen in a very long time. Through her I found I could have intimacy.

She and I took trips back to Kansas a few times together to get some of my things when Jim and I were starting to finalize the divorce. I really loved those times with Bug. We had so many romantic and fun times. My ex was going out of town and so we babysat Cali (the dog my husband and I had) while going through boxes and deciding what would go back to Ohio with me. We would turn the music up, drink some wine and dance wildly. You know that hair flying around kind of dancing. Her and Morgan were the only people I could do that with...just let go and not care if I looked like a dork or not. We would light candles in the bedroom at night and make the most sweet, tender and steamy love...touching and kissing all through the night.

We were really just so comfortable with each other. We were happy sitting watching a movie holding hands, cooking together, getting in deep discussions of life and death or lying in bed in flannel nightgowns, reading and knowing we were there together. I really do have a picture of her that is so clear it is like it was just yesterday - she is lying in bed in her flannel night gown, her glasses on and reading a book. I would stare at her and she would look over and give me this wonderful smile and tug on me to give her a kiss. And then back to reading....well most of the time back to reading.

I really miss her and think about her often. I lost touch with her because after she left the household I was forbidden to talk with her.

I have not been in a relationship with a woman for a very long time...several years....almost 5 I believe. And I do miss that closeness that I got in my relationships with women.

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