Friday, August 10, 2007

Diary of an Old Guard Slave

When I read To Love, To Obey, To Serve the first time I was very bitter about M/s. I thought there wasn't anyone out there that really did what they said. And in reading To Love, To Obey, To Serve...I became even more angry. I was angry because I read some of my life experiences into the book. And hear that Vi Johnson was saying this is how she served - this was being a slave - and I got mad*. I didn't want it to be -that- way. To put needs, sleep, and sanity aside for the Owner. Because in her diary she often does all of those things....she puts her slave "duties" above basic needs at time. (*of course Vi doesn't really say that was what being a slave was about...but she said that time period slaves did love, obey and serve often blindly and that is how I felt I served often too.)

I was angry reading the book because so much of it brought back things of when I was a slave in the poly household. There were never enough hours in the day for me to get it all done. I often didn't eat because I had to find a way to feed 6 people 3 meals a day on hardly any money so if I didn't eat then maybe I could make a little of dinner go for his lunch the next day. As time went on the household - things changed people came and left and came and left. Eventually there weren't as many to feed so I eat and ended up gaining weight. But also by this time was very burnt out and severe depression had set in. I thought of killing myself entered my mind often. I knew I wouldn't but the thought was there. So why not leave? Because I had this sense of duty that also I related to in Vi's book. That you serve above everything else - it was the duty of a slave. And I felt that. I felt I needed to do this thing that I set out to do. I said I would be his slave....and he claimed me as his so that was that for me. It was my duty to put serving him whatever ways necessary...and blindly often too.

I started out in the lifestyle as Don's slave - not knowing there were words for the feelings I had - for the dynamics we had - I just knew I was his...and I was to obey and please him. I then went to my husband where I was a wife and well I was taught that a wife pleases her husband. She didn't always have to agree with him, she could voice her opinion but what he wanted was the bottom line. While married I found there were words and a whole lifestyle dedicated to the power dynamics that I had been doing pretty much in every relationship. And so I went in basing things on how it had been for me always. And obeying and serving no matter if I was tired, no matter if I didn't agree, no matter if I was sick or had other things I wanted to do -- that didn't matter - my duty was to obey and serve. Period.

When I was introduced to the the world of D/s & BDSM it was from online and of course that was a whole different set of rules...SSC...safewords...saying no were all involved. And I felt very confused. I struggled against what was said online and what I had always done. And when I entered the poly household I struggled between the two. I did things that I wasn't always proud. And then I would get upset with myself and then serve until I was so tired that I physically and mentally crashed.

I never had to do the kind of work Vi did but I still related to it. Fairly early in the book she is suppose to get all these things in their house remodeled and built in an impossibly short time so her Mistress can throw a party. A party that started out for 50 and ended up being for 300. During the preparations her Mistress keeps piling things on. She doesn't notice that Vi is not sleeping or doesn't seem to care that Vi is doing cocaine to keep going. I never did drugs to keep going but I did have only a few hours of sleep at times just to get everything done. It wasn't uncommon for me to have just laid down after going all day long to be called out make a sandwich for him at 1am even though there were 2 or 3 other slaves sitting up watching TV or being online right there within yards of him. And yes that bothered me at times. But I still made the sandwich and served it to him - making sure his glass was full and that anything else he might need was right there for him before I went back to bed. And if I would have laid down and been called to serve in another 15 minutes (which did happen a few times), I got up and did whatever he wished. And most of the time I would say I could do it without being annoyed and letting that attitude slip through.

From the book: "I helped Jean do a scene with Shawn tonight at the Beverly Hill Wilshire. A well deserved dinner came after. I haven't done a scene with Jean in so long. I confess that I was bit envious. Ah well, that the breaks of slavery. Maybe my time will come soon, I could sure use some play."

In the poly household, I wasn't played with often, but the others were so I at times felt very envious. And at the same time I was happy he was getting pleasure.

Another entry Vi talks about how her and her Mistress met with another lifestyle couple. And Vi is looking forward to it because she is hoping to have another slave to talk to and give her advice about the struggles she has within her slavery. She meets the woman..."...our lifestyles are completely different. Georgette and her husband play once a week. She is chained at night and lives more in the style of a love slave....Georgette can't understand most of the things I do or why I would ever do them."

I got this a lot too. People not understanding why I was doing the things I did in service.

"I join a long list of things that belong to you and I find comfort being on that list. Stereo, car, house, jewelry, slave.....these things are all yours to amuse you, to be used by you, kept or discarded as you see fit or by your whim. I hope that I am not discarded."

I often found and also currently find comfort thinking of that too...that I am just property.

In rereading the book I am still feeling some old feelings of annoyance of Vi's owners. I relate to things she writes even in my present relationship with Master although Master is far from the dominants that Vi had....Master would notices when I am not sleeping or eating. I at times serve in such a way that my needs are put on the back-burner because to me life...includes sacrifices at times - in the lifestyle or vanilla. As I said though Master notices and makes sure that I do take care of myself in the end. Over all the feelings Vi gets from service - the devotion, the love...I relate to very much.

I am not done with the re-read of it...not even a 1/3 of the way through it yet but I was asked by a few people if it is a good book to read.

I do recommend this book. It is not a pretty look at slavery. You won't see a leather clad dominant beating his/her slave every moment of the day. You see, making arrangements for meetings, paying bills....working hard and serving hard in very mundane everyday way of life. But the emotions...the emotions of what she feels when she has served well....when she was scened after not having that pain in a while....and many other situations are very real emotions that I think almost every slave can relate to.

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