Sunday, August 26, 2007

Dream of a House

When I was just married or just before, I started having a dream of a house. My house was a safe always felt warm, happy and safe. The house is a normal house really. It had a kitchen and family room that were all one big room and then a living room and dining room in the front of part of the house, upstairs were bedrooms and then a basement with a rec room (and at times a playroom). The house had various people in it with me over the years. It kind of changes to who I am with. It was just whoever was stuck in my head at the time that appeared in the dream. I can see clear moments of the dream. Jim and I in the bathroom off the master bedroom talking before going to dinner with friends. Brian one of my first loves sitting at drafting table drawing. Remember Danny and I in bed with neckties still tied to the headboard (Danny was a man I was involved with right after Jim). When I was in Germany, I had dreams where Honey's son was a teenager. He came in and I was in the kitchen cutting up some fruit. He was talking about school and then asked me to sign a permission slip for him to play football.

In the dream of the house there is also a renovated barn on the property. It contains my art studio and always has even when I wasn't doing art. It actually contained a lot more of the reality of me - books that are on my bookshelves were in the art studio, my little things I have sitting around. There is 2 levels and the top level is my art studio. The bottom had been kind of a storage area until involved with another artist Lauren. I had a dream where I created the bottom level of the barn into her studio. I let some people into my studio but not her. She did not come upstairs but she was in the barn and maybe that is not significant but it felt like it was.

When I started dating Todd, my house felt cold and empty. And he would show up in my dreams of the house but didn't make it past the porch. We would sit on the porch and talk but he not ever in the house. When I found out he left Cleveland, I had a dream of him that night...Todd was sitting on the porch and I was in the house standing in the kitchen. I had a pain shoot through me and I knew it was him. I was trying to get the front door to catch him but it hurt too much. When I got the porch he was already way out in the field next to a tree in the distance. He turned around and looked at me. And turned and kept walking. I stood on the porch a while. I sat in the chair on the porch just rocking. Just staring. I then got up and put my hand on the door to walk in and that is when I woke up.

For a long time after I didn't dream of the house. And when I finally did I was alone in the house....walking around it felt very empty...just me. I did not feel sad in the dream. I did not feel alone really either it was just was empty, like I was looking at the house with different eyes maybe. I would pick up things and just run my fingers over them and they felt different....they looked different... not like they were new though but they changed…were different. A friend and I talked about that was because I was still grieving/healing from my relationship with Todd.

After him I never dreamed of the house like I did before. It just felt very distant. And I also now don't remember them clearly....I mean I wake up knowing I dreamed of it but I can't really remember it as I once did.

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