Is there any way to come out without having the Diana Ross song I'm Coming Out in my head? I don't think so....
Last year when both my Uncle and my former Master died, my depression really took a downward spiral and I sat in my doctors office and started crying. He called in the therapist from down the hall. And since that day - I have been seeing a therapist. I am so thankful for it. It has helped so much not only for my grief but just helped me with other issues I had going on.
I have not outted myself to her about the M/s relationship I have with Master, but I have told her about some of my past relationships - that I enjoyed kink and that I have been poly in past relationships. I also told her I was an escort. But she doesn't know anything about my current relationship dynamic. Master has been in support for me coming out to her about our relationship. But I just haven't been comfortable with it. Although I adore her and trust her to be very open-minded as she has been about everything I have told. I know bottom line if she feels something is harming me she will tell me. And I don't want to hear it if she thinks that some of my problems stem from our dynamic. Yes, we do think that some of my problems do stem from it because of the isolation and the dynamic creating co-dependency issues that cause a chain reaction of other issues such as I now have social anxiety issues that I have always had but now are amplified because of the isolation and because I do everything with Master.
A little history, I have done therapy in my late twenties to mid-thirties. Every therapist I came out to was very uncomfortable with the kink and D/s. It was the reason I stopped going as I felt it was making my relationship with my therapist too uncomfortable and I was sick of feeling judged by it so I stopped going even though I felt I still needed some help to sort through some things.
So there is that little voice sounding off inside me that I might be judged. The hard part is that I like my current therapist so much that I don't want to do or say anything that might hurt that connection I've made with her. While I realize she isn't like any of my past therapists the insecurity remains.
Bottom line, I am so thankful I finally gave in to seeing someone. My doctor had asked me repeatedly over the years if I wanted to go to see someone. I have been on anti-depressants for the last couple of years. So when we have our yearly review of medications, he asks if I want to talk to someone and I've always said no. Too many bad experiences and the feeling of being judged I had to wrangle the thoughts in my head about starting over with my life history with someone new. As it was, it took almost 2 sessions to just do the intake with her.
But with last years events...I needed help. I am so thankful that my doctor pulled in my therapist and I am so fortunate that we've clicked. I mean really instantly I felt comfortable with her and I just started spilling. She made me feel comfortable and she is really good at giving me a perspective that works for me - in a way that makes me be able to see it. She gets inside my head really easily - knows how I tick. It is really amazing sometimes she knows what I am thinking when I feel I am sitting there straight faced but having an "Oh Shit" moment. She knows it too. She has helped me in communicating in difficult situations like with my father who is so hard to talk to - who has a knack for pushing my buttons. It's been incredible how she's helped me in so many ways.
So skipping ahead a bit. Several months ago Master started seeing someone local and it is hard to not talk about it - in therapy. It was hard not mention Master's girl. (I don't have a name to call her in this blog yet - something we will work on though) I've had some issues. Issues I felt my therapist could help me sort through. So with Master's blessing, I came out to my therapist about the poly.
She handled it AMAZINGLY!
It was that moment where I wished everyone was like her! Really every issue - the kink, the escorting - she has always handled so well. I asked her if she knew what poly was and she gave me the definition without having to go to a book or to the web. When I had told her about Kam and poly (early on in our sessions), we just went over things briefly. Ever since then I didn't know if she even knew what I meant when I mentioned poly before. I had explained to her that when I moved in with Kam, he was involved with more than one woman with all of our knowledge and consent. I discussed that I enjoyed it but also some of the issues I had with it. I told her towards the end of that relationship, I dated multiple men and women - again with everyone's knowledge and consent.
She told me that whatever is done between consenting adults she felt was fine as long as everyone was okay with it. (Insert gaping mouth expression.) No ridicule, no condemnation, no criticism. Then when I told her about Master seeing his girl, the same thing. No qualms, no judgment, no problem. She has really great views about poly. How I feel she gets it, stems from some of the things she has said to me about poly are the same things I've said to others who have approched me for advice. I guess sometimes it is hard for me to take my own advice, but hearing it from her has been good. She has a different perspective on other things though too, so that helps too to hear another view. She just in general has a wonderful view on poly which makes even more relaxing to open up and share. We had a whole rant one day when we were talking about sex and poly - and she said "Americans are just to uptight about sex."
She has some different views though that just wouldn't work in my dynamic so I've had to just politely nod. Will I out myself someday that I'm in the M/s, bdsm lifestyle? I really don't know. Master says I will. But I do know she has been great about everything else I have told her so part of me thinks she'll get it. Of course there is the other part of me that worries about how all of this will be seen in the big picture. I just know that there have been times when I just sit there looking at her like wow are you for reals? I have lucked out to have such a great therapist and glad I have come out to her about the poly.