Monday, March 13, 2006

Losing My Identity....?

So I have been Master's for over 3 years. And I have been doing this....this thing we do for even longer so you would think I would get some things BY NOW! But of course not....

Lately I have been plagued by the thoughts of losing my identity. Now I hate it when people come to me that don't understand the lifestyle and tell me if a person becomes a slave they lose their identity and that it is just about the dominant breaking the submissive down to be a mindless robot. Or those that are wanting to be in the lifestyle and think being a mindless nothing is all hearts and flowers SM. Neither really work for me in reality!

But that does not change the fact that I feel like I am losing parts of myself...

I believe we develop and progress in relationships and that in those changes I am becoming more me - shedding the layers to get - me. I think back on past relationships and this one is much different and that is not a bad thing, instead it is a very good thing. But I do at times wonder although I am gaining much from the relationship I do feel at times I am losing parts of myself.

I am so much more shy then I was before. I don't like going places without Master. I don't seek outside friendships and I used to be a social butterfly with many friends.

I have been doing the whatif...whatif Master releases me...whatif something happens to him and I am now too shy or can't go someplace without him and so on and so forth. I would have to but could I...and that is what has been going through my brain. Could I start over. I remember the days of having to not be shy because of my job but it just all seems so different now...after being his.


And so that has been bouncing around in my brain for weeks...I have been worried that I was losing my identity. But really I am just changing and evolving and identity and labels are not that important. Although that is a hard fact so swallow at times - it is true. Only thing that matters in my world is that I am serving and obeying Master. And I am.

I am not losing my identity. I am changing. And I am sure I will again.

2 comments:

  1. danae,

    I think we as submissives all at one point or another in a true M/s relationship feel we are losing part of ourselves. When you give yourself to another, rely on them to guide you, you certainly do become more reliant and more attached to your Dom. Do not feel you are losing yourself; I know you described the way you feel as changing, evolving into the new you. That's a beautiful thought, a poetic way of phrasing your release into your submission (I choose these words carefully - submission is at once a bonding and a release). Please remember that your Master loves you for you, he chose you for you - as you were and as you are - and that His continual guidance and dominance are the true signs of His love and respect for you as yourself and as His submissive.
    Shyness isn't a disease. It is not something to be ashamed of. I have been shy my entire life; I'm much more of an introvert than many of my friends and colleages. My Owner is a completely extrovert and often makes ME feel I am losing part of myself by dragging me out into the real world...but His guidance is helping me grow in this way.

    Trust your Master and His good taste - afterall He chose YOU.

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  2. This post really helped me with some of my own issues I've been having lately, I think I may have had a mini revelation.

    Eventually you'll understand and accept the shy parts of yourself. And if you really don't like them, maybe talk to your Master about changing them? Just a suggestion, hope I'm not pushing any buttons with that.

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