Saturday, July 27, 2013

Service when Sick

I  would like to say I feel my warranty on my body went out in the last few years so Master has seen a drop in my service significantly. I have chronic migraines and have since I was 12 years old so he has seen those since the day I became his. But a few years ago I started having a lot of pain shooting down my back and leg. I have 2 vertebra pinching a nerve, degenerative disc disorder and have arthritis starting too. I also have chronic depression that ranges from mild to severe.

When I was first with Master, I totally felt guilty and apologized all the time. I pushed myself more than I should have at times too. But I do think it does more harm for my mental and emotional well being to get in the mode of thinking - feeling guilty. It keeps me there longer. It brings me down. Also if I push myself to do more, then physically I can stay in pain longer because I pushed myself.

So now I think I try to focus on what I did do - even if it is one thing. A day that I can do some laundry and dishes when my body is full of pain and/or my head is pounding then I am thankful for those things. Thankful I was able to serve him even in that way. Again even if it was just one thing - maybe making dinner is it and I am thankful for that.

I sometimes see the frustration in him that things aren't how he wants.  But at the same time he wants me to take care of me the best way I can. But it is hard not to feel guilty when I do know he is missing things I do for him.  It makes me feel like I am not good enough so then I feel guilty and apologize.  Though in recent years I do get myself out of that line of thinking faster and give myself a kick in the pants and remember to serve in any way I can in that moment...even if it means resting and healing myself.  He would rather have me take care of me and get better faster than prolong it.

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