History Part 2

First a WARNING....this could be triggery for those with sexual abuse in their past so please don't read if you think you will have a hard time reading about something of this nature.



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So I am an odd duck...I did the teens first and now I am doing my childhood...and the next posts will be about my first significant M/s relationship. This post was hard to write. I started this post several times this past weekend and it never has come out quite right. I don’t think I have ever said it here - if I have it has been a walk around it as it is not something I discuss very often. Because to me it is dealt with and where it needs to be – in the past. So here it goes…my Uncle sexually molested me from the ages of 4 to 8. I have had many a people tell me that is the reason that I am kinky. But in fact I believe they are wrong because I think I am just wired this way…born this way.

I remember even before it started with him -- being a very sexually precocious child. I would watch my parents having sex and think it looked interesting and I wanted to do it too. I would touch myself and rub my self against things that felt good. I remember once at my Grandmother’s taking a rope that I knotted - I took and pulled it between my legs so that to knot kept rubbing over my clit. I remember that it felt good. I remember going out in this old school house that my Grandparents had on their farm property and tying my legs to the chair as rocked back and forth on this rounded piece of metal I put between my legs. So I think the kinky part of me was there before those things happened with my Uncle. I also know the submissive part of me was there…I wanted to please and help always. I always deferred to those that had authority over me and wanted to please them.

I do think that some things that I did – were because of what happened with my Uncle – such as being more sexually active at a young age - linking attractiveness with sex -- not usually experiencing intimacy during sex but just feeling the animalistic side of sex. I think those things were brought on more frequently or quicker then they would have been if I had not been through what I had with him. But the being submissive and being kinky well as I said I think I am just wired that way.

I know that when it first started, I disassociated and just pretended it didn’t happen. But somewhere along the way I became obsessed with sexuality - sex….to the point of seducing my babysitter at the age of 8. It was very confusing...feeling what my Uncle did and not knowing what to do, or if the feelings I had were okay or wrong. If the things he said were okay or wrong. When it first started, I was spending lots of time with my Aunt and Uncle because my Mom was having problems with her pregnancy of one of my sisters. I kind of made the rounds between both sets of Grandparents and 2 sets of Aunts and Uncles. Eventually over the years, as I said I became obsessed with sex so I kept touching, I kept silent to what he was doing. I know that I started to believe the things he said to me. I know that I started to enjoy some of the things he did to me but it still did not make it right. I was a child who did not know saying no to him was okay. I didn’t know that the things he said weren’t true as he was an adult and I was suppose to listen to him. I think even bigger issue in my child mind was…that my parents would have known he was not a good person and so if they think this is okay then it must be. That is what I thought. So I was very confused.

Somewhere along the way I figured out what he was doing was not “normal” and I started to believe some of the things he told such as I was not like other little girls…that I was a big girl who knew how to make him feel good. It started to make me not feel good about me. I wanted to be like everyone else. It was not until after my Uncle moved away -- that things started to even out again or at least I could pretend things were okay and repress the “bad” things that happened. I became a “normal” little girl. I had moments were it still peeked up but eventually I suppressed it and was what I thought was “normal.” I had lots of friends and enjoyed my time with them doing things girls do – we had slumber parties at each other’s houses. There were a core group of us. I can still remember all their names – I find that interesting as other significant chunks of my life are missing but I still recall all the little girls that I had as friends. So I packed away what he did and…acted like them…”normal.”

That part of me…that broken little girl who was sexual was buried. Really from about 9 to 16, I was naïve and innocent again. I didn’t talk about sex and blushed if anyone did. I acted like I knew nothing and in a way, I didn’t as I “forgotten” so much of what had happened when I packed it away.

It wasn’t until I started dating Jeff – that part of me that was sexual awoke and started to come out again. And the kinky part was brought out with it. The submissive part was always there – no matter what. I always wanted to please, serve, help, and be a good girl. And I thought sex and kinky things were okay because it was what we both enjoyed. I guess part of me thinks it is weird that this little girl that was broken could come out thinking sex was fun, enjoyable and exciting.

Not sure what else to write about this time in my life. As I said it strange to me that some memories are so strong and others I know are there but I can’t access. It is of course something that is hard to talk about – but I also have dealt with a lot of it so it does not cut as deep now.