Friday, November 07, 2003

The stories of old….continuing…

It is weird some conversations are so clear like they just happened yesterday. Other conversations are a blur…knowledge of what happened and the gist of what was said but not crystal clear like others.

Some of today's story is crystal clear and other parts fuzzy with old age.

I remember going to Don's after school. Sometimes he would be there and other times he would not. When he wasn't…there was always a list for me to do. He always had me do homework, but also other odds-n-ends. Sometimes cleaning, laundry, exercising, organizing things and so on. If possible he would look over my homework….correcting me often. And that is how discipline and punishment were introduced to our relationship.

If there were mistakes in my homework, he would show me what was wrong. Often first he would spank me and then comfort me at times. And then he would start getting me to think how to correct it. He never gave me the answers…he made me find them. But he gave me easier ways to find them - that did not occur to me.

There was a time I can remember that I did not do the list. I was mad because he had been at school more and did not have much time for me. I remember it really well and I remember thinking why should I do his laundry. He had me doing some schoolwork also…I think I had a paper due. And so I did not do either. I got very pouty. I picked up my bag and went home. The next day was a shorter day for me. I was a senior and had most of my credits…so I often had short days. So, I went to his place. He was not home yet and there was no list. There was just a note saying see you when I get home. So I took out the stuff to work on my research paper.

He was home shortly. He walked in and kissed me, but then took me by a handful of hair and said he was not very happy with me. And I instantly got that pit in my stomach. I looked down when he released my hair. He was doing the things people do when they get home. He had me trained to assist. I took his jacket and put his bag in its place. And he started to change clothes and asked me if I knew why he was not very happy with me. And I did not know. It did not even dawn on me I guess I was not still fully getting our dynamics. He then walked over to his desk and pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me. It was the list from the day before. I looked at it and then looked at the floor. I sat quietly for a moment and then said something about not doing the things on the list. I remember him asking me why I did not do the list. And I did not want to tell him I got pouty like a 5-year-old. And so I told him something like I did not feel like doing the list. He did not fall for it. He sat down and had me sitting next to him looking at him. And so I told him that I was upset I had not seen him in a couple days and so I said screw it.

We talked. He was very calm, but I knew he was not pleased. I remember him asking me if he saw me almost everyday. I said yes. He said did he not give me quality attention. He asked me if I was satisfied with our sex life. And the things we do when we go out on dates. And how things were going in my life. And so on. And of course all I could do is answer yes.

He then said he took care of me and I was to do what he said always. I remember a lecture of how I disappointed him. And how I was to please him and serve him. That I was there to please him and make his life better and in turn doing so would make my life better.

I was then punished with a cane. He tied me bent over a chair. I did not have to count or ask for forgiveness after each stroke like the stories. I just was caned hard. I remember crying hard. I remember him untying me and I just kept saying how sorry I was for not doing the list. I remember him asking me if I would do all that he told me too. I said yes over and over again. I remember in that moment feeling I would do anything he asked. I felt such devotion and dedication. And I remember also him saying others things…nothing clear. And I remember feelings…of not deserving him. Of being unworthy. That he saw that….saw that I was unworthy, but still had me there with him.

The rest of the evening went on as usual. When I went home that evening told myself I would do better. That he deserved it.

I wish things could have stayed like that forever...

But of did not.
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