danae

Music: Watching Buffy
Mood: Up and down
Topic: Dealing with change

Right now I have emotions all over the place....and I will get to why they are in a bit....

I recently answered a post on a message board…someone was asking about what do you do when you don't have enough time to play. And I said that you just need to make time to do things so that you don't fall into the vanilla quicksand. Even when tired. Because I know when I have forced myself to do whatever when I am tired that I feel better afterwards. Also there are always things that could be taken out…does the laundry need to be done at that moment? Do we really need to sit in front of the TV all night? Do we need to be online? There are things that can't be put off, but there are things that can be and so if a little quality time together is needed….then do it.

Master wrote in his journal about things not being how we both want them and that He has been in a rut.

It has been hard, but through it all I had faith in us. I knew we both want the same things and even though He was not there right now I knew He would get us back on track again. I also knew through this all that He was in control. I still knew my job was to please and serve Him and I tried to the best of my ability.

I am not going to lie. It has been hard. I never wanted to be one of those types that whine about not having S&M. As I have said though I do think S&M produces endorphins that are good for my mental health. Could I live without it? Yes I could. Would it make me a less "happy" person? Yes most likely. Do I want to live without it? No way I do not want to LOL

Master and slave relationships to me are just like any relationship. When in a vanilla relationships, we go through times when it is more exciting and other times when life is just so busy you barely have time to breath. And the same goes with Master/slave relationships, but the foundation was set in place with our Master/slave relationship so that when it did start to change we were okay. We did not fall apart. We rode it out.

Our foundation of our relationship was there. Master is in control of our relationship. I am to serve and please and we have faith in each other. And that is what will always get us through the hard spots.

Some things that have helped me get through this:

~ I am here to serve and please Him. I know that must seem obvious, but there are some days it is really hard to serve. But then I think of the big picture...I do want to serve and please. And I said I would.

~ He is in control and to just do as I am suppose to will make it go smoother. If I were to try to fix (meaning control) then it would just make things worse....because our dynamics and foundation is set that Master is the one in control and I am the one that serves and obeys.

~ Be respectful, grateful, trusting, vulnerable and have faith.

I just tried to serve, please and keep quiet. I did not feel I could "say" anything that would help or that did not feel to me that I was trying to control things so I just served.

I am sure these things seem obvious, but in the moment of frustration, confusion, sadness, and all those other wonderful emotions I think it is hard to remember them...and so spelling them out has helped for me.

So....now....Master is more interested in S&M again....and I know He will micromanaging me more again.

And it is hard....I am trying to just keep the principles I did while going through this time we have....

But it is hard because my emotions seem to have spiked during this next turn on our path....with S&M being added back in to our relationship. While I am very happy to be playing more...it is kind of scary and I have a low tolerance for pain....

So it is hard...

Also the pain brings out intense emotions...and then add in the fear of what is going on....what He is doing...and it overwhelms me because I have forgotten how to act, how to get through those moments and when I have need pain for so long to finally have it....it is a release....

This morning I just broke down crying....emotions just overflowed....I tried to just go with it...but I could not hold back the tears. I felt awful because I wanted to keep it in....I just wanted to go along with what Master did....

But I cried.

Master still used me....but it was so full of emotions and I am having problems processing the emotions. I am not even sure why I am feeling what I am feeling or better yet what I am feeling.

What is kind of ironic I had finally started to get the acceptance of no expectations of what was going on...just acceptance of no S&M and acceptance that I was Master's servant and partner but not slut or whore or masochist. And now....I have to turn around again and head back the direction I had kind of turned my back on...

I just don't feel I am making sense at all...

Over all I need to learn to deal with this....I am happy we are playing more....and I do need to learn how to deal with the micromanaging that is going to be stepping up more and more.

Okay on to other things....

Yesterday was productive and today was totally non-productive....

Last night was good Master and I went to Matrix Revolution and it was AWESOME! I am not going to write about it right now because I don't want to ruin it for anyone...

But I just wanted to say I really loved it! :)