Monday, December 08, 2003

No one can die. None can be degraded forever. Life is but a playground, however gross the play may be. However we may receive blows and however knocked about we may be, the Soul is there and is never injured. We are that Infinite. -Vivekananda

This weekend was a long weekend....but I was happy to be able to celebrate Master's birthday with Him. :) As I noted in my last entry Master's parents surprised us with a visit so it was a long weekend having them here with us. They left this morning. Master's parents are very nice and I am happy they were able to celebrate Master's birthday with us. But I do have to say I wish we would have had a little more alone time then we did. :( I was looking forward to a long weekend staying at home - celebrating.
But again it was nice to see Master's parents.

Saturday night was nice....we went to the local parade...the parade of lights. It was fun...I enjoyed seeing all the floats....all the kids singing Christmas Carols and then of course seeing Santa Claus :) There were some very cool lights being displayed in the parade. After the parade we came home and had birthday cake and sang happy birthday to Master. :)

Of course today I just feel kind of down and out of it. A weekend of company just kind of drains me. They really enjoyed my cooking and how I have decorated the house. They seemed to have a really nice time and thanked me many times for all I did for them this weekend....which was very sweet of them.

I got to talk to Moni 2 times on the phone today and also girlie once. It was nice. :) Girlie is sick right now so I am sending her big healthy hugs her way. I thought of Moni and many others lots on Saturday even though it was Master's birthday as it was Carpe Diem's Annual Christmas party and so I was feeling a little sad about missing out on that...but I am very very HAPPY to have been with Master and celebrating His birthday!

Not much else I have to write about right now. Master had a hard time at work. I am wishing there is something I can do to help Him with His stress level, but He keeps assuring me that I am doing everything that I can be to help Him.

I added another link to the side....Wild Heart. I really have enjoyed reading her blogger. She writes about life. And anyone reading me knows that is what I like to read about.


I was thinking of Don again today as I was reading some things I have written about him. I started to think about the time is started to change. And so here is a story of old from when he started to change....

There came a time where Don was changing. He snapped at me more often for things that he normally would not have even said anything or things that were fine one time and the next I would be in trouble for doing it that way or saying it that way. He was distracted, unfocused and acting just different. I found out later he had started gambling and was losing lots of money (his parent's money).

Really there is a moment though that I recall being the start of change in our relationship…

We had been out and came back to the house. Some of his housemates were hanging in the living room. He stopped and talked to some of them. Most of the time I would just stand there and not say anything unless he prompted me too or someone asked me a direct question. Otherwise I was quiet and standing on the outside of them.

He was talking and joking with his housemates and one of them said something….that I don't recall the exact words but it made me laugh. But it was something that was poking fun at Don. He kind of laughed with them. But he did not continue on the conversation with them long after.

When we got to his room, he told me to go run him a bath. I kneeled next to the bathtub giving him a bath. He complained the water was not hot enough. And I apologized. He then complained about not getting his clothes put away after I did his laundry. I apologized. And the list went on and on of things I did not do quite right. I apologized each time….and silently thought, "I need to do better."

I bathed him the whole time he went on with his list of my wrong doings. When I was done washing him, we always talked. He stroked my hair as we talked. He then got quiet and smiled. Before I even knew what was happening, my head was under the water. He was holding me under. I reached up and tried to get his hands away from me. I tried to pull back and he held me in place. I was panicking. He pulled me up and told me things I don't remember exact wording...but mostly things to degrade and humiliate me. He told me I was worthless and not worthy of his time. That I did not deserve him. And then he got to the point of why he was doing what he was doing…he said, "how dare you laugh at me….just a worthless piece of shit"

I did not understand - as I had totally forgot about it, as it was not a big deal to me. I pleaded - pleading for an explanation because I did not understand and I was pushed under again. He would push me under and then pull me up and spit on me and tell me how fucking worthless and stupid I was…and then push me down. Each time I would beg for forgiveness and fight as I was pushed under. There came a point where I just begged for him to forgive me….and not fight it just let him do this to me. Water had been splashed everywhere…I was tired and I was not sure what to do be doing but just kept screaming inside, "please forgive me."

He then told me to suck him. He pushed me under the water onto his hard cock. He fucked my mouth and I was choking with the water and his cock in my mouth. He would rise up above the water and I would catch my breath and then He would push me under again. I felt like it was getting so black in the bright white bathroom. I felt everything starting to quiet and even his words started to fade like he was a million miles away. I felt the darkness raising up from me and giving into it…and of course just then he came and pulled me up out of the water.

He got out of the tub and threw a towel at me and told me to clean up the mess I made. I sat there and cried. And I also sat there and had moments of internal workings saying - get up and leave. But I didn't. I cleaned up the mess. I made sure the bathroom was very clean and neat. I came out to get dressed and he was in bed. I asked to leave and he said yes but first checked the bathroom to make sure it was clean.

I got dressed and left….

I came back the next day...yes I came back....and it was like it never happened. But things started happening more and more....that were not of the ordinary. Things started happening that made me question what I was doing with him...yet I did not leave.
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