Sunday, December 21, 2003

Music: none...hear the Broncos in the background
Mood: good
Topics: Baking, On edge, Slave vs Submissive...who is better?

Baking Baking Baking...

I waited to bake until today because I did not want Master and I to eat them all up before giving them to family/friends, work and such.

I made Chocolate Carmels, Fudge, Festive Holiday Bark, Sour Cream Cookies and then Magic Bars. They all turned out great! I was so worried with the altitude that I might have some problems but I didn't :) Master helped me also - as so many of my holiday recipes are recipes that say STIR CONSTANTLY *uggghhss* So He helped me stir and then also after dinner loaded the dishwasher for me. He takes good care of me. :)

Pain, Pleasure and getting back into it....

Master and I have started playing more again. And at times I get so frightened by it....I get scared of a simple thing like spanking. Or sometimes He will work me up just a little - like a tease and then walk away. And then it puts me on edge instead of leaving me titillated and wanting more it just puts me so on edge and any thing and everything makes me upset. I get sad and cry. And I just wish I could shake off the being on edge and let go into things...if He starts again. But in most cases I can't. I just get further on edge, further upset and I don't know why. It is almost like a flashback - when I am feeling on edge. But with no flashback but all the residual mind, jittery where I can't sit still - foot bouncing and cry lots.

And here all I have wanted for some time is to be played with and then I get on edge and then that is when He plays with me. So I can't get into it. I don't get turned on. My cunt is usually dry in those moments. I don't react in ways He likes. And my instincts tell me to run and hide when all I want in those moments is Master to hold me and let me know everything is going to be okay.

Slave or Submissive...who is better?

I think there is levels to submission....

I am not going to quote the 9 levels of submission or whatever it is....but I do believe there are levels...

Some people submit just for a scene.
Some have real specific perimeters in the relationship.
Some people give up total control.
Some people see each other on weekends and in that time give up total control but outside that time go back to a vanilla life or limited control.
Some people just submit in the bedroom.
Others only in a domestic service way...

The possibilities are endless...

Just because someone is submissive does not mean they want to be in a 24/7 relationship. Sometimes people aren't submissive but are slaves.

There are so many possibilities...but all in all we submit for 10 mins or a or why we do that is personal.

Okay that being said...

When I was in D/s relationship opposed to M/s relationship, it was easier, but not as fulfilling. I am not saying it is like that for everyone. I am just saying for *me* - being in a M/s relationship is harder and more fulfilling. It is harder but the rewards - internally - far outweigh the hardships.

When I was in a D/s relationship I had control, privacy and freedom to make choices, do what I wanted when I wanted (within certain perimeters at times). But it left me feeling empty.

Now, I don't have control, privacy or freedom to make choices. Everything I do is because Master has told me to or allowed me to. I can't even leave (but I don't want to anyway). But I feel more fulfilled and free to be myself then I ever have before.
At times I wish I could just say no, just go to the mall or even go the bathroom without having to ask...but then I would have control And in the long run that would make me unfulfilled.

A friend wrote in her journal that she did not like that submissives were looked down upon like slaves were better. (As I said above I don't think one is better then the other. I just think we are all different. We might all fit under the BDSM umbrella but we all take a different stroll in the rain.) But what is odd to me is that I have come across more prejudices and judgements in being a slave then when I was in a D/s relationship.

I have heard, "Well slavery is not legal so you are not really a slave." Or "No one can give up total control." Or, "You can walk away when you want."

I have gotten unbelievable scenarios thrown at me...the "whatif He came at you with an ax and told you He was going to cut your hand would just stay there?" Ugghh those type of scenarios just irritate me.

I have had people tell me to my face that I am insane for getting in a relationship and giving up total control and those are people IN the lifestyle.

Master has wanted to start a local BDSM group and I have been kind of apprehensive about it because of the above reasons. I don't want to hear those things again. I know I will there is no way around it. But I would prefer to be around a more narrow section of like-minded people. That is why we have tossed around starting a MasT group. Because then at least we would be around people who were wanting to be in M/s relationships and not have some judgements that happen in BDSM groups. Or at least that is what I hope for...

Okay going to sign off and surf a little more or go wrap carmels.

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