Neurotic

I often am very sad because I am pretty isolated here. I don't have a lot of friends. I miss my friends in Ohio so much. I took for granted all the time we had together. The friends I have here....are really Master's friends. They were his friends from before I moved here so there is this thing of them knowing him longer so they are his friends who accept me there but I never feel totally welcomed if that makes sense. I always feel a little on the outside.

Tonight I really needed to get some baking done as today kind got caught up in some other things. But we had a friend in town that actually is one of those people I feel a little more comfortable around then most of our friends. So her and Master's best friend were going to get together for drinks and we was invited. Well...I chose baking. Master told me it was up to me -- that I could come. But I chose baking.

As the night has wore on I knew that part of me chose baking because I didn't want to feel the awkwardness and out of place feelings. I didn't want to try to think of what we will talk about, what I should wear and every other little thing I get obsessive about...so I used baking as an excuse to not go. I mean really yes I have a lot to do but this -- going out like this --- is a very rare occasion. Master just isn't the type to go hang with friend very often. So to have him do this too -- is something I probably should have taken advantage of.

This weekend we will be going to two parties. One is with the usual friends that I feel out of place with. And then the other is important to go to -- for business so almost makes me more nervous as I have to be really on as I don't want to be a bad reflection of Master. So more obsessing.

I love this time of year for so many reasons but parties isn't one of them. It is the only time of year that I get this neurotic.