Angel

SJ had talked to me before how the universe tries to tell us things we just do not always listen. It is like that story.....where a man's house was flooded (bad at retelling things like this so bear with me). He is sitting on top of the house praying and asking God to help him. And I think 2 people with boats come by and say come with us and he says no, that I have prayed and God will save me. And then a helicopter comes and they try to get him to go with them and he says no God will save him the water is rising and rising and he starts to drown. He dies and gets to heaven and asks God why he did not save him and God says I did I sent you 2 boats and a helicopter. There are things that happen in our lives that I believe the universe/God who ever it is that you believe in is your higher power tells us and we look at and pass it by. I have had several break ups in the last 2 months. Is someone trying to tell me something?

I think I need to be alone. But I do not want to be.

This morning I talked to Di. I feel she has blinders on where it concerns one person because if anyone else had done what this person had she would have written them off. But this morning I looked her and all that she has going on. She is going through so much. Not like she needs more confusion so we had a hard convo and she signed off. And I wrote her a letter. In the letter I told her to dissolve an agreement we had. Told her that I love her always and to be careful. I mean it. Right now I think there is too much going on with her. (like I am one to talk lol) But I need her to know I will ALWAYS be here for her. She is my best friend and I love her dearly. She has supported and helped me through lots. I am very very lucky to have her in my life. She has been the most supportive, loyal and kind friend. She is a wonderful woman. :)

Today in my mind I ended something. And now I need to do it in person. Once that happens I think my life will be more even.

Last night, stupid things happened.

First JJ wanted to help me communicate with Sir. I am having problems communicating with Sir and I think one thing is I am trying to push him away. Because I just am so lost. Anyway JJ tried to mediate and did not go over well with Sir...oh well. Then some work things happened and it also involved Sir. It is funny all that has went on with work I have been very honest and always have been. And I have not said anything to anyone about what went on and goes on. The only people in my life who know exactly what happened is people I am care about...such as Sir but he does not even have the whole story as I just am not going to say anything as it is better just to let it lie. The reason Sir talked to this person was because he wanted to show me he believes in me and cares....asking the question he did though really was not pleasant. Oh well ‘tis my life.

JJ has helped me get some things clear in my head. She went to the doctor with me Tuesday also. She was incredible. They were not going to let her in with me and I explained to them that if they wanted to see a 33-year old woman screaming and crying then certainly send her away. lol They let her stay. :) Thank gawd they did too because this guy was so rough he caused me to have flashbacks. I was in them and she pulled me out :)

I tried to get out of going to the doctor but she did not take no for an answer. Something I am still amazed by.....because to me she showed me she cared. She has known me how long and she showed me she cared by doing that. There are other people who have been in my life that I wanted to do the same thing and they did not. And because they did not I felt they did not care.

To get Jim to care about anything was impossible. I would see the news about how some family was killed and only one surviving is a little child. I would cry and Jim would say why are you upset there is nothing you can do about it. I feel for people. And those that I care about I will fight for, will touch, will talk to, will protect, will scream and yell if I need to....to show them I care.

I care about a lot of people. I put a lot of people first. And I also put myself first with others...such as Kam and Mistress DM....which right there makes my mind go off on why I do that to them. :)

Anyway I think I need to start putting myself first with more people......

Heal myself.

I am going to finish my glass of wine....mmmmm :)

And go to bed....

peace,
danae

ps: part of the book….you see your angel how you want to see them. In the book Paulo and his wife see theirs with wings. I do not think that if I saw my angel he would have wings. He would be normal looking and I would probably almost pass him by unless I looked into his eyes.