I am not sure I can even explain it. I had a conversation with Mistress DM that was unlike any we have had before. We have had talks of spirituality and her telling me her thoughts and observations on my life but this time it was different.
It effected me differently how she approached this and I am still rattled by it.
With Todd he would joke he had a condo on "de nile" and Di and I said we had those too. I would joke that we all must live in the same gated community lol Anyway I try to live in my condo a lot with Mistress DM and last night she yanked me out. She did not chain me down.....I stayed on my own I guess lol
I felt so deeply submissive and I heard each word she said to me. I was mush but I wasn't. I knew each word she told me was for my own good. I knew that each question and statement that came up I needed to listen to.....Thank goodness I was not before her. It was hard at times to say yes Ma`am but at the same time it was too easy. And that bothered me lol
i have been punishing myself denying myself pleasure...i have a reason for it too but not a reason I am going to share. The reason I can logically look and say okay that is wrong. But emotionally there is a part of me that does not believe it. Mistress DM was very firm and Dominant with me. She asked me lots of questions: why do you get to decide you deserve to be punished? or that you don't deserve pleasure? do you know how to punish effectively? to judge when someone deserves it and how to inflict it? can you take responsibility for the consequences in that person's life after the punishment?
I am sitting reading through the im and it makes me mad that I feel the way I do about myself where as 6 months ago I was so strong and confident in myself and just starting to trust my feelings and thoughts. And now I feel like I am almost back to square one.
I answered all of her questions. I tried the best I could to be honest with the answers. But like I said my mind was mush to a point.
It is hard not to talk about what I am talking about lol....
So I am going to say it.
I have not allowed myself pleasure - main reason - because I do not feel good enough. I feel that if I would have been good enough that Todd would not have broke up with me. So I feel worthless. Which in another setting might be nice lol
So going to post the convo from here on I think......
Mistress DM: so, if both of us say you have no right to punish yourself over this, why do you think you should?
Me: i am not sure Ma`am...i guess i should not be Ma`am.
Mistress DM: you, with no skill for punishment and no judgement where Todd is concerned
Me: yes Ma`am You are right
Mistress DM: no, you shouldn't be. but that doesn't answer the *why* of it
Me: i feel i need to be punished. why i am doing it myself is because no one else will...
Mistress DM: do you think if you get punished it will somehow change you or prove to Todd that you are worthy after all?
Me: no Ma`am i do not think that
Mistress DM: good
Mistress DM: do you think that if "god" allows you to punish yourself, it will prove Todd was right and validate your trust in him?
Me: prove he was right maybe....validate my trust in him no
Mistress DM: why would you want to prove he was right?
Me: if he is right then i know it is me...that something is wrong with. not sure i want to prove he was right. i just feel he is. i guess.
Mistress DM: I have another question about why you think you should be punished
Mistress DM: do you think you deserve to be punished because you're never worthy of anyone?
Me: do i have to answer that...
Mistress DM: yes
Me: You know my answer though
Mistress DM: answer the question
Me: yes Ma`am...that is a correct statement. i feel i deserve it because i am never worthy of anyone.
Mistress DM: and if you're incapable of judging when you deserve punishment, what makes you think you're capable of determining whether or not you're "worthy"?
Me: i guess i am not Ma`am
Mistress DM: you "guess"?
Me: i am not Ma`am
Mistress DM: so it sounds like you need to stop being so presumptuous
Me: yes Ma`am
Mistress DM: are you capable of doing that?
Me: i am not for sure Ma`am
Mistress DM: are you at all inclined to change or are you going to run back into your condo and convince yourself you have the right to punish yourself if you feel like it?
Me: i want to change it
Mistress DM: why?
Me: because You are right i do not have the right to punish myself or decide if i am worthy or not.
Mistress DM: so what are you going to do about it?
Me: i am not sure how to change it, Ma`am
Mistress DM: so what are you going to do about it?
Me: i do not know...please Ma`am i do not know.
Mistress DM: I know. you have to break through this one, danae. it's important
Mistress DM: when you need to do something and you don't know how to do it, what should you do?
Me: i am not sure i cannot think please Ma`am...please
Mistress DM:
Mistress DM: did someone teach you you can't ask for help when you need help?
Mistress DM:
Me: my mind is going so fast i just realize i am not wearing my rose.....i took it off...when i went on that date tonight.
Me: i do not know Ma`am...i just know i do not ask for help.
Mistress DM: what rose
Me: never have asked for help. except when in hospital. and of course they did not help me because they wanted to focus on the bdsm instead of the issues i needed help on
Me: Honey gave me a pendant a rose...and when i wear it i do not feel others and when i do not for extended periods usually more then 5 days then i feel others but tonight i am not feeling others but i feel out of control...my mind going very fast. i guess i just thought my rose would help
Mistress DM:
Me: i am fighting asking what is that something i cannot trust myself to do....
Mistress DM: ask for help
Mistress DM: you can't trust yourself enough to ask for help
Me: i ask you for help...and then i let you down...and then i am back at square one
Mistress DM: how can you let me down by/after asking for help?
Me: by not being able to do what you will want me to in helping me Ma`am...by doing it and then not doing it right and so failing
Mistress DM: wow. do you see how many assumptions you are making in that?
Mistress DM: <---is still hugging you, btw
Me: i want to ask to go to bed....yes i see i made lots of assumptions
Mistress DM: asking for help is something very difficult in this society. I struggle with it too
Mistress DM: but, as a slave, as a submissive, as a person, you have to learn how to do it....if only to be able to say "god/ess/spirit/fate help me with this"
Mistress DM: "show me what to do"
Me: please help me....
Me: please may i go to bed...
Mistress DM: yes, maybe you'll get messages in dreams....you certainly need rest
Me: Thank You Ma`am
Mistress DM: if you weren't tired before, this certainly stressed you
Mistress DM: danae
Me: yes Ma`am?
Mistress DM: I'm proud of you. I know this has been very difficult and not "fun" like our other conversations
Mistress DM: and I believe in *you*
Mistress DM: sick, perverted, silly, neurotic, misguided, whatever
Mistress DM: you are far from unworthy
Mistress DM: you're actually strong, loyal, intelligent, witty
Mistress DM: caring
Me: okay please going from tears to laughing...and not that i am laughing at You....just thinking of me sitting here in tears and you are telling me i am strong and loyal and so on
Mistress DM: sweet dreams
Mistress DM: yeah, well, we still have to have the conversation about humor and laughter :)
Me: Good night Ma`am....Thank You Ma`am....sweet dreams *hugs*
Mistress DM: but that's for another time....go to sleep
Me: yes Ma`am night
*takes a deep breath*
peace,
danae
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