Acceptance

On Saturday I had a 3 hour conversation with Mistress DM. Why did I call her......

I wanted to be accepted and I knew she would. Sir and I had a conversation and he does not understand me - in regards to the extreme pain I crave. I am not sure Mistress DM understands it but she accepts it. She even has thought of doing things like that before also. I wonder if it scares her? Anyway I felt very much not accepted by Sir and so I called her. I felt like I did when my husband told me I was sick and freak for my desires. I do not think Todd understood them but he never implied that I was freak. Probably thinks I am now though.

She says by calling her I gave her consent to control me during that conversation. Give her an inch and she takes a mile....she would say calling was giving her a half mile. She is right. Calling her was a BIG deal. Just the thought of calling her gives me lots of anxiety.

Why? Because one talking to most Dominants on the phone I am nervous. I am sure Todd remembers that first phone conversation with me. It was hard for me to call him. He told me I could wait but I just did not think and dialed. I did the same with Mistress DM.

Choice....when talking to her my choice is taken away. And it is not a conscious decision. Where I say to myself here I am giving her control or power. It just happens. It really peeves me at times. But it is one reason I am attracted to her. Because she can compel me to be submissive.

Anyway she started having me admit things and as she did my mind became mush lol Or primed as she would say. I struggled at times to say "yes Ma`am" but I did. It is one of those things that it is almost like it is not a choice. I do not want to say "yes Ma`am" but I have no choice to go against it would be going against something inside me.

Because my mind was mush she could have had me admitting anything to her because I had become a blank slate. It was hard to think outside that world that is created. I am not sure I can explain it. But when submitting it is like their is nothing else in the world only submitting to the Dominance.

Todd could do that to my mind too. It was like almost a confusion but not a confusion. I mean it felt like confusion but only when I tried to fight against it. When I let it flow it felt very natural. Same with Mistress DM. When Sir puts Dominance on me it is different, because it is control for that space in time. When Todd or Mistress DM have done it....it seems to go further. It is not just that space in time. I mean Sir has to have those limitations on it....so I guess he is good at what he does because he can control it very well in that space - that moment in time.

I do not talk about Kam's Dominance at all. I am not sure why.....resentments I am sure. Not that he keeps deserving those resentments still. He does not at all. He has been pretty remarkable the last few months. It is hard to judge his Dominance because I do not allow it to get in very far. When I was first here I gave to him completely. He did not understand the depth to it. He was unsure of what to do with it.

I am not an easy submissive. I need LOTS of time and attention especially at first. I need to know things are safe. I need to know I am accepted, but I also need to know I am going to be held accountable for my actions.

Anyway, she made me admit things and come out of my condo WAY too much. The nice leather couch in my condo was missing me. :)

It was a year ago yesterday that Jackie came to spend the summer with us. I have been thinking about her lots.

About a week after Todd and I broke up. I was online and a Dominant (SM) messaged me. He has been a nice mixture of extreme and nice guy. He lives in the DC area. Anyway, I have done a few things that were not very "respectful." I am in this fighting mood. Di said I was trying to sabotage things. Maybe she is right. I guess I feel it is too soon even if he "seems" like a good Dominant. I mean anyone can seem like a good Dominant without much experience....at least that is what I have found over the years. But I want to be owned. I frustrated and annoyed him a lot on Thursday (I think it was or maybe Wednesday). I did not talk to him again until today. He had gave lots of thought to me while he was out on his boat for a long weekend. He then told me that at the end of the month he is going to be in Dayton for business and wants me to come see him. I was surprised. I thought I had pushed him away. I mean what he asked me to do was simple and I said NO. I have some red flags with him but I also wonder if I am having red flags because of still getting over Todd. We talked of D/s beliefs and ours are very similar. Just not sure...I am confused right now and I should back away from him but I also like his beliefs and it is VERY hard to find someone who accepts the beliefs I have.

I was reading through old emails and found this that I saved....

"When you keep your word, you are manifesting your divine nature. The more that you keep your word to yourself and to others, the more your word becomes law in your universe. This gives you something you trust -- you can trust yourself. Your word counts. What you say makes a difference. You can take yourself seriously, and others can count on you.

Your word becomes like gravity -- something that you can count on being there. As it does, you then begin to have a measure of power in your universe.

There is a tricky balance between the idea that you create your own reality and the truth that God is in charge. When you can count on your word -- and when your own vision is in alignment with the flow of your destiny -- you then have the power to manifest that destiny. If your word has no power, and it is not something that you can count on, then it is as if you have to swim upstream to get where you should go.

When you are in touch with your deepest self, you can sense the flow of your soul toward its destiny. You consciously put your personal will in alignment with that flow, and your word is a huge support. You say, "I am going there" -- and you go there. This is where your word and your inner guidance become partners in taking you toward your destiny. If your word has no power, it is not something that you can count on. You then lose the support of this powerful ally." It is a meditation from 10/29.

I believe I have worked hard to be honest with those in my life. I remember times of not telling everything as I felt it would hurt them or disappoint them or make them think I was sick or a freak. I still think I have problems telling some of my feelings but more from the stand point I still am not sure I understand what I am feeling at times. I still worry about disappointing, hurting and not being accepted but it is less of a big deal then it used to be. It all seems new at times to me. To feel.

I feel that I was creating my own reality. I was seeking something out. Laying out the map in my blogger of what it is that I really seek and who I really am. And I started towards that. I believe Sir was a stepping stone to the next level. He gave me help to see that I was submissive as I doubt that lots. And I felt Todd was the next level. Just cut lots out of here. Because it is pointless. I need to get myself aligned again to go with that flow towards my destiny. Just not sure what that is right now.

Destiny to be a slave? Oh my said that word...slave. I have truly thought I did not have what it takes to be a slave. And not sure I do. Destiny.....What I want is to be loved and owned. I want someone who will guide me on finding things in myself that I just have problems taping into without guidance. I wonder if I am submissive because of my up bringing. My parents did not give me much guidance. I got bad grades and was yelled at but nothing was done to help or make me accountable. I was like so what. I just sat there and went off into my own world as I got yelled at...nodding at the appropriate times and then get up and go to my room and escape the feelings that were left from them yelling at me.

On Sunday Mistress DM had a talk with me that I am not sure ended up the way she wanted to and maybe wishes we would not have had that talk. I block off thoughts of being owned by her for several reasons. As Kam would say I always have layered arguments. I do :) I just never have one reason for something. Anyway one reason is I feel I need to be owned and loved by a man...the same man (which she will dispute over and over again). And then the other reason is I do not feel good enough for her. I think she is insane for wanting me. Too good for me. And the final reason (I think) is that I am worried we would try it and then there would be disappointments and then I would resent her and I do not want to lose her.

I am going to post all of this and keep working on some of what I am writing.......I just do not want my blogger to be 10 pages on one entry.

And post it before Di gets on my case lol