danae

It is Saturday night and I am home. This is the first Saturday night that I have been home in I am not sure how long.....months. I could have went out and made plans. I am not sure why I did not because I am feeling a little alone. Which one night alone should not make me feel that way. But my mind is racing and it slows down when with people and doing things.

Today I went to lunch with a friend and Kam we went to an Arabic restaurant because my friend and Kam like it. :) We have asked her if she wants to move in with us. Time to clean out my closest OH NO! LOL Then after lunch Kam and I went to a movie first time he and I have done anything together like that. We went to see Swordfish. It was pretty good. Then we came home and I was going to go read. I had my book in my hand but then I went to Kam's room instead and laid down with him.

Going to talk about things I never talk about here....wrote about in my hand written journal before though. Kam sexually knows me better then anyone. He has learned what turns me on the most. I always had a good sexual relationship with Jim - that is when we were having sex. I had been accused on occasion by him of being too sexual, too wet, and wanting sex too much. I had very good sex with Jim but I did not know how intense orgasms could be until Kam. He was the first person that actually got me to "squirt" - I had felt it before coming but always stopped it. But he told me to let it come once and so I did. I am not sure how Kam learned what I like and don't like. I guess it is not that hard to figure out lol or maybe it is lol who knows. Anyway I was turned on today when I got in bed with him. I also am still in that seeking pain mode.

Okay computer locked up so had to reboot but did not open this up to work on it until now..meanwhile I was reading Mistress DM's journal....here is something she wrote that I agree with!

"Then I wake up and realize that control of externals is an illusion and control of internals is an illusion, but control of how you *express*--that is the only control you have."

Totally agree with that and since realizing that my life has been at peace....yes peace lol reading this blogger it is probably beyond some where my peace is but it is...believe me it is there.

I was talking to an old friend of mine....jackie not Jackie lol as I referred to her around Jackie...jackie of Detroit. And we were discussing my life since she had last seen me. We saw each other a year ago but did not have a lot of time to just sit down and talk. So she did not know about things that were puzzle pieces of me....that were put together and I am now whole. She was happy for me. I told her about my life. She was not able to talk about hers right then...she was having a bad day but even when she is not having a bad day I know it will be like pulling teeth to get her to share. Maybe when she gets back to Detroit I can plan a weekend to visit her...if her Master allows it.

Sir and I just had a conversation that I know so many do not understand just like he does not.

It actually is something I have not discussed in depth with Mistress DM, probably because I am not sure want to hear what she will have to say. I mean I do but not sure.

I see the images as they flash before my eyes.

Here is something I wrote in my hand written journal over a year ago. And it is on my extreme site.

I seek to have fear in my eyes...so that when one looks they see the fear I know. I want to have fear in my body....I want to have bruises and ache from use and abuse. I want to have fear in my heart....I want to love the person that does this to me but be fear all He is. I want to have fear in my soul...and feel it consume me and fulfill me like I know it will...

That statement scares lots of people. They also do not understand why I would want that.

How do I explain it......

I want the total opposite too. I want someone who will treat me very special also. I want to have them pamper me, hold the door open for me, help me with my bag....and so on.

I want the opposite ends....friction as Mistress DM would say...I like friction. I do not think I "like" friction. I just think I am a Libra trying to be balanced. I want both! I want it all and I try to keep it all balanced. But they seem like friction to others where they are just things that I balance in my life to seek all that I want and need.

Sir and I discussed he wants no part of the "beating" in which I seek. He does not want to see the after effects. I know the bruise Todd gave me bothered him lots. And still does. But it did not bother me. It bothers Todd *shakes head* wow even Di commented on how she could tell it bothered him. I felt that night he did that the closest I have ever to finding *it*

It scared Todd but turned him on a lot. He left very fast in the morning and I know that is because he was having problems dealing with it. I wanted to try to get him to stay and help him through it. But I was slightly lost in my own after things of other things that happened that night.

I needed that. I needed it more then I can explain. He gave it to me. And it felt RIGHT to ME. So what is wrong with that????

I have someone here that would beat me to the point that I want right now. He would do it for his pleasure he does not care that I am needing something from it and would get something from it. And people say what he would do to me is abuse. Abuse to the law...well fine then you know spanking is illegal in Ohio? uggghhh

I want it. I need it right now too. And if I consent to it what is the problem?

I guess I am glad Kam gave me some pain tonight. It still was not enough but the level I need I cannot get from him. Not that he cannot do it...he can. But I need to be in a headspace to get what I need from it and I cannot get in that headspace with him.

I told Kam that I do not feel the right to feel pleasure...so I wanted to hurt. Well, during my period I dry out fast even when really turned on. He was rubbing my clit and rubbing it and stopping just short of me cumming. As I told him I did not want to cum. I wanted to just feel it build to the point it hurts over and over again so that maybe I could sleep lol

Anyway he did it. My clit was raw and hurt from just a touch. And he pinched and pulled on my nipples and I was floating on the pain. It slowed things down I saw only the pain. Yes, I see the pain. I saw images of violence. I saw....hands giving me pain, the pain, the throbbing, the red. I was there and not there. It was good but it was not long enough or painful enough to break things up. But I am thankful he did it. I felt sorry for him though as when he did it relaxed me so much I fell asleep. I fell asleep with him twisting my nipples so hard I should have been screaming. LOL oh well pain is relaxing to me lol Anyway I felt sorry for him because I know he had to have been very turned on and I did not please him because I fell asleep. But I also know he feels I need more sleep so he was probably very happy he got me to sleep some.

Okay I wrote all of the above and then kept thinking about Mistress DM.......soooooo I did something I NEVER do.....I called her. It was hard to do and I just looked for the number and did not think about it too much because if I would have I would not have had the nerve to pick up the phone.

The conversation was 3 hours long.....

And my mind is mush right now....lol

As Mistress DM would have me say though....my mind is not mush it is just primed. Or something like that....now going back into my condo lol

good night.....

peace,
danae