danae

I am sitting here...it is the first night I have been at home really and just been able to be. I have work to do and stuff to do but I am just relaxing. I have surfed the net a little bit. I am sitting here with hair in a pony tail, wearing pjs that have a puppy on the top and paw prints on the bottoms, and I eating animal crackers...hmm wonder where my head is tonight. :)

I found a site by visiting Kimiko's website. She is someone that I should write on sometime. I mean I have "known of her" for about hmm 5 to 6 years online maybe. But anyway I found a site by visiting hers....and it surprised me to find on her site. It is a site about Anita Blake. There is a series of books by Laurall Hamilton that I have read and Daddy has read me :) And I LOVE THEM!!! Anyway this site is GREAT!

I know Mistress DM is worrying about me a lot. And I am not sure how to push her worries away. Maybe there is something to worry about. Maybe there is not.

She said it started before I left for Germany. Maybe Aslan is right I am not submissive. She said last night in ims I called her Ma`am more then I had in months. Yesterday I was trying so hard....to be in more submissive mind set.

I have been thinking about broken submissives today. What I mean by that term is submissive that want the Dom to come in "fix" them. I think I was one of those submissives once upon a time but I am not anymore. Now I am a submissve that wants to learn new things and have growth in areas I still struggle with. But I am not broken.

Sometimes I feel Aslan is a Dominant that wants to help "fix" a broken submissive and reasons we have some miscommunications is because he goes forth as a Dominant wanting to fix me and I am not here to fix. I am here to control, Dominant, guide and teach.

Mistress DM just messaged me. She says I am in and out of myself. Maybe I am broken. Ugghh I hated saying that because.....I know damn well better then that. It took me soooo long to get the strength and courage to do what is best for ME! Mistress DM said she will tell me what she thinks of these posts of Aslan in a few weeks.

Daddy admitted to me last night that even though he does not like that fact that he feels Mistress DM and Sir are wanting to take me a way from him....that he knows they care for me and do not want to hurt me. So at this moment things I have told him both have said he is glad I have them in my life telling me the things they are.....giving me mental cold showers I guess. Even though I just told Mistress DM that I am in denial still.

I do not know why but there is this feeling deep down.....it keeps saying something. I feel that there is something I am suppose to learn from Aslan. But I cannot figure out what it is yet. But it just keeps turning over and over saying hang on...keep going forward. Try. Hard.

Don popped into my head a lot today. Aslan read the blogger on what I felt Aslan meant. I did not think Don was God but in away I felt he was the most powerful being. He had the power to kill me..almost did a few times. If he would have said go to the roof and jump off I would have. I hate that he had that power over me and I loved it I craved it. I feared it. I needed it. I would have ended up dead though if I kept with it.

Emotional.....Physical.....Mental...torture.....Don did them all. He broke me down. Do I really want that again?

peace,
danae