danae

Well let’s see….wrote this as I went this week.....

First part wrote Sunday night.....

It is Sunday night and I feel like I have not been home in a week.

Tuesday when I was writing all day I knew what day it was…..not that anyone else probably did. It was June 19th and May 19th was the day Todd and I met real life at B&N. It is weird to think back at that time. I talked to Sir right before going in. I was so scared. Shaking slightly. Todd had told me he was in orange shorts and white t-shirt. I was walking in and I saw in the doors someone wearing orange shorts but I did not see his face. I was too far away and I saw him walk away as I got closer. So I walked in and stood there for a moment and then started to walk down the middle isle kind of looked side to side and then saw him standing down one isle next to the café. I felt like my mouth was going to drop open because he was soooooo cute. I had images flash before my eyes and it was the first time I ever had anything like it happen. Yes I have had images flash before my eyes but not these kinds of images. I have heard of people having the same thing happen but never had it happen to me before. Anyway I was so nervous meeting him and I blushed lots. I planned appropriately so that when I blushed it blended into my blouse lol He gave me a gift…a book. Which I love books…so he did well. I have read some of the book - I tried to pick it up recently again but I could not right now. So we sat there and talked. So that was my first meeting on May 19th with Todd.

Did not last a month…oh well…..

I was thinking I am not sure I have had someone really break up with me that I cared about. I have broke up or they broke up with me but I did not care, as I was already mentally/emotionally out of the relationship.

I remember so much right now. And it is hurting. I have not cried really yet. I well up and then pull it all back in.

Why?

Account of Friday

I worked of course. I had lots to do and was getting very stressed. I felt out of control. I absolutely hate that feeling.

I had locked my keys in my car when I went to pick Kam up from work. I had taken my shoes off and pulled into the lot and my phone rang it was work and I was talking and got out of the car thought I hit unlock. I walked to the other side and it was locked so thought hmm I forget to hit unlock but went back and that side was locked too. Keys inside car locked : (

I had to be somewhere for work also that was downtown and insync was in town so I knew there would be traffic. Todd had just called when I locked my keys in my car. And he offered to help me out. That was very nice of him. He also found me an alternative route that did not have the traffic that the main interstate did for the concert. I got to the place I needed too early : )

Called Di and Todd and then they got to have a fashion show to decide what I was wearing to a party on Saturday night. I was thankful to have them there to help me. I was already being a spaz from the stress. I also was bleeding and that could be for multiple reasons (whatever is wrong with me, Jackie was thinking of coming on Friday and so I always bleed when I am around her and 3rd reason could be I am thinking of getting involved with a woman I start bleeding as my cycle moves when involved with a woman). So that pissed me off that I was bleeding again. It is just spotting. But I get sick of it. I know others would think I put off going but I do not think I do. I have not had time. I mean I have not had time to do things that should have been done right when I got back from Germany but just have not had time. I am responsible for other people and I guess I try to put them first by working and working and working. I mean I do not even get all that I need to do for them done. I feel guilty for that lots.

Break….

Sir messaged. We are having a disagreement. And I do not think he is getting what I am saying and feeling. I actually knew we would have this conversation at some point. Topic loyalty. Not going to do the whole loyalty post again. It is very important to me in business and more importantly in friendships.

From my Nov 27th blogger…. “I will protect you, I will defend you, I will honor your name and give you the respect that those that have harmed you have not….I will be loyal.”

Those are parts of being a friend to me.

Not going to be able to finish this blogger right now….upset. crying hurting…

Life sucks right now…

Monday Evening…writing…

Lets see talked about Friday evening……

Saturday was pretty much a blur lol

Got up at 7am and started working. Then went shopping and had some lunch though I could not eat much as I was nervous about the party. Then went to the hotel room that we had so that us bunch of girls did not have to drive home that night. It was a very nice hotel and it was nice to be pampered. We all got ready and then went to the party. It was a lot of fun! : )

After the party I got JJ and we went to breakfast. We talked about lots of things it was nice just to have time with her alone.

Went back to hotel room and then did not sleep well at all. So much work stuff on my mind. Got up on Sunday morning and took care of some work stuff and then meet JJ for lunch and then off to do the fashion frenzy thing. We then went to a hotel room….

We were going to be together and we sat down on the couch and I ended up crying a little because of things going on with me. There is one thing I have not wrote about here yet. And will not until I have time to write the person first. But I have to do something very hard. And not looking forward to it. I am still having feeling for Todd and working through them. So after our talk we decided we did not want her to be my rebound person. We did not just want sex once and then be akward. We would rather have something more then once lol

So we are waiting. I feel I disappointed her. She has flirted so much. She has backed off now. I just do not want to hurt her and I feel right now I am too vulnerable and might hurt her.

I pulled closer to Kam again because of it again. And that has to be hard on him. I love him. I want him in my life. I just am not sure really of our relationship where it is going what it is doing. He had something slap him in the face when I was with Todd. He realized that if Todd had said I am moving and you are coming with me….I would have. Sir basically said same thing. Todd was someone I would have gave others up for. Lucky I did not…Sir has been my rock lately. And basically I was a bitch to him. Does not change how I view loyalty but he has stood by me through lots lately and I am thankful for that!

I did not write on Friday what I learned last week….

And I have breifly thought about this and I am not sure I know what I learned. I mean I know I had to have but not sure what.

Learned that I am wanted but I feel alone right now. Learned that I can see reality at times on my own lol Learned that this is harder then I thought it would be.

Posting what I have so far because Di was getting on my case lol….

peace,
danae