danae

Well I want to thank those who were concerned about seeing my mood indicator on Friday – it said Abandoned. I pretty much felt that way a lot this week. Aslan has a lot of heavy stuff going on in his life and I am completely understanding of the situations but it does not change that I want his attention too.

I want to Thank Sir for Friday night. He gave me exactly what I needed. I am thankful to have him in my life and that we can still just be with each other even though he knows of my feeling for Aslan.

I wrote this blogger today. It was great. From the gut – from the heart – from me and then the power went off. I lost it all.

This blogger I am writing will be hard to publish but trying to be true to myself…for me and for Aslan.

I just got home from SJ’s. I called her because well she is great  but also because I needed a tarot reading. It was an interesting reading. I needed to hear it but if I accept it all right now is the question. I am not sure I want to. And actually I think I might not. Just for a little while.

Each person comes into our lives to give us something. We can learn from them all. And I am suppose to learn something from Aslan right now I am not quite sure what that is….but I know I am suppose. Part of me feels he is just here to give me a boost to go on to the next person and the other part of me feels he is it…the one. Which probably scares him more hearing.

While I was in Germany I came to determine that I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be accepted for who I am…all that different aspects of danae. I wrote something about it while in Germany…and I am going to look for it and post it. I did not post it then for I did not want those in my life to get that I was talking about them. I just needed to express what I wanted.

I also at that time started reading more about life as a 24/7 submissive again. And I read over things I wrote and it sounded like almost a different person. I am different now. But many of my core beliefs are still a part of me. I want a Master. I want to be loved by my Master and accepted. I want to be an owned submissive.

I just was reading over Aslan’s emails to me when we first met online. They are interesting and then almost seem different. Not sure I can explain that.

This week….

Tuesday….

Well I had visions of what I wanted to happen when I stepped off that plane and of course that was the furthest thing that happened lol I first walked right past Aslan. We then proceed to have hmmm miscommunications/misunderstandings – not one but like 4 or 5 of them.

The first time it happened….I felt very much like I did when Jim and I would have misunderstandings. And that disturbed me. The disagreements were not huge things but they mattered to me.

For a long time I denied my feelings. And I did not express them to anyone. Now I do. And I think often Aslan views me expressing my feelings as not very submissive. And view it as being submissive in how I word it as I am not yelling and screaming lol

I feel like Aslan was almost trying to get me mad. And push me. I feel often he pulls me close and only to push me away. And I want to learn more about him and that is hard with someone like him.

So much floating around in my head right now…..good and not so good. But all for what is best for danae.

Wednesday…

Aslan and I got together to talk. I thought we were going to spend the night together and we did not. Something that kind of bothers me. Aslan says things but does not always do what he says. Work was the priority that night.

One thing that was interesting that I wrote when trying to express what I wanted in love….I wanted someone who would not leave me alone when crying.

It was really important to me.

I was kicking the bed like a little girl begging him not to go and he kind patted me on the head and then left. Well, how I was lying on the bed and this hotel room….I could not see the door. So thinking I was alone. I proceeded to cry just let it out. And I did for a while and got up to blow my nose and there behind me sitting next to the door on a couch....

He had sat there and listened to me cry.

I have discussed this with Di and neither of us quite understand why he left me there to cry by myself. And I still do not.

So many things I just let go and believe they will show me what I needed to when it is time. But it is so hard to do that over and over without getting some doubts squelched.

I am getting really tired so I will finish this tomorrow but need to write this….

Tonight was a VERY hard night. And I still have LOTS of unresolved issues and feelings. But I feel more confident that I am not losing it. I have confidence that I can get a hold of what is best for danae.

What I am going to do that might not be right for me – but I am not for sure – Is keep on with Aslan and just go day to day. Enjoying my time with him…before he moves on. Or I do.

peace,
danae