danae

Friday.......

Was pretty relaxing for all that has went on in the past couple of days. Honey let me sleep in and took Kam to work. :) That was sooo nice of her. I never get a day off. I do on weekends but not really because I am always working on weekends. Anyway then she came home and we kind of hung out here for a while and then I went shopping and met Moni for lunch. I wanted Honey and Moni to meet and they liked each other. I knew they would. We then went to a private play party tonight. Honey had never really been to one so it was cool that she could go. She was beat and I just watched. I called Sir while at the party as I felt he might worry about me if he did not get a call or email. And I felt he was upset I was at a play party without him. I had no desire to play with anyone but him. The other night Honey, Di, Todd, Sir and I were at TGIF's and Honey was talking to Todd and I was sitting on a bench out in front of TGIF and Sir was standing on the sidewalk talking to me. And I had the greatest/strongest urges to kneel for him. I told him that right at moment. Because he makes me feel submissive. It dawned on me at that moment also that I had never kneeled for Todd. I am not sure I ever felt that desire. I wanted to please Todd ALWAYS! And I do with Sir too but kneeling, giving myself in that way....a submissive way....I never felt Todd. I was compelled to be a different kind of submissive and I guess I felt it was the next level I was wanting.

Today Kam and I had a talk that we had a few weeks ago but it did not quite sink in. And he took it hard. And I knew he would..but it is different right now. I did not tell about Todd until today. I wanted him to see that I could handle it on my own. He told me I am doing really good considering how I feel about Todd. I am doing good. I am very proud of myself.

I was worried about that I had not cried. But Honey pointed out something I have been crying a lot in the last 2 weeks. I had my tears of grieving for the last 2 weeks. That might be true.

I look at the bruise on my breast (which is still there even though it is a week old). I think of our last night together. You never know it is the last time. And our last time was........sooooo intense. It scared him. It scared me but for different reasons. He left so fast. I know that the things he did to me scared him. He was scared that he enjoyed them. Scared that they turned him on as much as they did. I begged him to hurt me. I *needed* the pain. I needed it so much. I had craved it and my body was on fire from need. It was not a want at that point....it was a raw need. Those times scare me - sometimes other times I am very accepting that my body/mind is telling me something and just go with it.

So much is rolling around in my head right now.

Honey leaves in a few hours. Kam and I have some rough times ahead as we make more of separate lives. I love him and always will. He has done good things for me and bad things. But most importantly I am here today because of him. That is a good thing :)

Things with Sir.....I am not quite sure where they stand. I mean I never let go of him...I couldn't. And when I talk about him to people they see how I feel about him. And then I *want* to be friends with Todd - go figure.

Todd had me writing in my blogger - updating it at least once a week and then every Friday posting something that I learned about myself.

When I wrote the blogger on Friday morning. I thought of adding that section but did not want too...but I do.....

So I learned this week I am wanting to keep this section of my blogger for me instead of Todd. I learned that I worth a lot. I learned I am worth loving. I learned I am submissive :) I learned that I love easily. I learned that part of me still feels there is something I need to learn from Todd. I learned that I have good friends (knew that always but appreciate them all even more right at this moment), I learned that I want to have a life with it all. I want to be in a long term committed relationship with love and D/s. I learned that I am right A LOT lol I learned I miss Jim very much.

peace,
danae