danae

Thursday night....

Today has not been great. This week pretty much feels like it sucked.

Listening to the Practical Magic soundtrack....A Case of you by Joni Mitchell is on....part of the lyric that I like the most.......

Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I'm frightened by the devil
And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid
I remember that time that you told me, you said
"Love is touching souls"
Surely you touched mine
"Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time

Tonight I talked to Todd on the phone and I got upset with something he said. And I ended up yelling at him on the phone. I just get so irritated with him. And I have my period. It has been 2 weeks since he broke up with me and I feel he maybe thinks I should be over him. I think - actually believe - he might wonder why I have deep feelings for him. Di and I talked about the first time I met him today. It bothers me that I feel the way I do about him. It would be much easier to run to JJ or SM (who I have not talked about at all)..or even run to Kam or Sir.

Part of friendship is sharing. And all night while watching Di's daughter's softball game I kept going over our earlier conversation in my mind...I just could not let go of it. Soooo I decided I needed to talk to him about it....share my feelings. Di knew I was going to talk to him and she asked me the reason I wanted to and I told her it would make me feel better to get some of it out. She said I should go for it then. So I called him up on the way home. But why I thought that it would make me feel better.....when I try to talk about how I feel with Todd I end up feeling like....like sharing feelings is wrong. I remember how long it has taken me to express myself and even yell (now just need to learn how to get upset and express that without yelling lol at times I have that down..rare occasions of late lol). Yelling at him on the phone - I do not think he understand how big of deal that is....I am sure he loves it NOT lol but I remember that for almost all my life I have stuffed EVERYTHING inside. And so to let anger out and not worry that the person is going to love me still or yell back is a big thing. Anyway I told him that I needed to talk about some things. I am sure he was thinking oh great she wants to yell at me again. I told him about some of the things going on in my head. I talked about Di's and my agreement which I know he does not understand at all. Di has always been very open with me about those I am/was involved with. Anyway so why would that change. And right now because I am having some problems/insecurities/vulnerablities it seems right for *me* to keep those things in place.

Di and I share so much and I think that is what friends do. I have tried to share as a friend with Todd since he broke up with me and it still feels very one sided. I believe he does not trust me but that just boggles my mind because why would you get involved with someone how he was intending supposedly with me....what he was seeking with me if you did not trust them? I have given him a lot of trust and still will continue to do so. Yes, there are some walls up, but more then likely he could say one thing or give me one look and they would be broken down again. No protection from him...uggghhhh.

I mean he has asked me some questions online and on the phone that as just a friend of mine I probably would say I do not want to talk about that now or not share all of it because it is a self protection thing but because of the relationship and the trust I did give him I just tell him all. It really makes me mad at myself. I know without a doubt if he said come over and do such and such and that such and such could be anything it would be VERY hard to say no. I would struggle with it a lot.

And yet I still want to be friends with him and it might be easier for me not to be.

So how do I move past him?

Mistress DM and I have had the love talk a few times but to her and I believe this also Love is an Energy not an emotion. It is not something you "get over." I still love Jim more then I can express. I still am upset over lots of our marriage too but I love him. I believe I am in love with him. Anyway, I love Todd. And I want to try to view that love differently. It is really hard because so much of what I thought and how I felt just still amazes me that is how I feel when I think of him. Why him? Something I still have not really figured out is what I was suppose to learn from him. He said to me once when I asked him what he wanted from me...he said it is so simple and right in front of your face. He said it was probably so foreign to me that I did not recognize it. Wellllll now I agree lol I think that what I was suppose to learn from him is so simple and right in front of my face and I wish I could slow things down and figure it out so I can see it.

Okay on to something different but not....because I thought of slowing things down and I thought of pain when I thought of that. I wrote Sir a kind of rambling letter on pain and what I was feeling and he came back with 6 questions. They were good questions. I was proud of him. And as I told Di, it is too bad he is not able to collar a submissive because he would make a submissive a good Dominant.

Anyway I am going to ask him permission to post the questions and my answers to my blogger.

I need to go to the doctor. I *want* to actually. Di does not have a night when she can do that next week. I had asked Todd last week and he said he would and I trust him sooo I might ask him again. Kam cannot go because of the time I need to be there he cannot make it. So that is why he does not come with me. But I need someone with me because where it is at and my doctor thing I just need someone there to keep my mind off of things. Todd is a good choice too because he is strong. I like his strength.

I need to get going and Di was on the edge of bugging me to post again lol She feels I should just post every day! lol I wish I could....I wish I could write every day. I do I just wish I could get all that I write up here....people would be shocked and probably pissed off at me too lol

Things I learned this week....

That I love Jim more then I thought and I also remember why I divorced him. (last week I was not remembering those things). I have big heart not that I did not know that but I remembered this week again also. That I do not share what I think here because I am scared. :) That I want acceptance from many people in my life more then I realized. And then I realized there are some in my life that I do not care if they accept me or not but I will still be there for them. Where as those that I want acceptance from I might run away from. Or push away. I realized that I am more vulnerable then I thought right now. I am wanting a relationship and not wanting one. That I am a procrastinator lol I know there were other things...hmm maybe they will come to me later.

peace,
danae