danae

I was on an old account of mine looking through the filing cabinet to delete stuff out of it so that I can delete that name. Anyway there was a post about Discomfort vs Fear. With Todd I think he wanted me to push past fears so that I did not have them. But I am trying to figure out what is wrong with fear. Why do we have to overcome it? I see some places where that is a good thing. I am not sure if it is fear or discomfort in showing others my art. I would say a little of both. It is uncomfortable because people are seeing me. My art is like looking inside my soul. Seeing things I might want to keep a secret. Fear because what if you hate it? Acceptance - always comes back to acceptance.

Okay next topic....

D/s can be lived in any environment. I totally agree with this. It is like my speech on protocols. There are degrees that can be done around people who are not in the lifestyle without them even knowing. When Todd and I were out with Di once he never stopped being my Dominant even though were just people sitting there like everyone else. Sir and I have had similar experiences. He and I were just there but that underlining power was always there. An order might just seem like a request to most where it is an order to me. A can we have a few private moments looks like private time to others where it could be a correction, discipline, or punishment.

Next one...

I am open minded on poly...too open minded at times lol And have always wanted poly as I felt I needed different people to get the things I need. Plus I just have a big heart and love easily which is probably more the main reason why I am poly. Anyway....something that crossed my mind the other night is something I think I was even thinking of a year ago. I want to be a priority in someone's life. I want to be treated like I treat others. I want my partner to give up things just as much as I do because they want to. These are long term beliefs. Someone I am involved with for the moment. It is different. Yes, I want attention and time but I really have never had that problem with Sir. Actually Sir gives me more time then Todd did. Todd does have lots on his plate though - something I always wanted to *help* with but was not allowed.

Babble Babble Babble.....

Why did he not see me? Why did he not want to see me? What was it about me that made him only see what he wanted to see? Why did he not see he could learn a lot about D/s from me. I have been doing this on and off since the age of 18. I feel just life experiences he could learn a lot from me also. Maybe he will learn things as my friend. And I hope I learn things as his......

Okay all the above was wrote at 3am in the morning. yeah me

I just signed on yahoo messenger and I was messaged by a Dominant actually that I have talked to on and off for 6 months. He just does not get me to react. Not sure that makes sense...But I have lots of Dominants that would like to enslave me and make me theirs but I just at this moment feel blah. He talked to me and I would say yes Sir yes Sir yes Sir and everything he asked I would do with my Master but it was just reacting not feeling.

I have that feeling I had a week ago too. The need for pain which is dangerous for me at the moment. So lets hope it eases or being that being the demoee tonight at the caning class satisfies some of those pain needs. I just started feeling that way last night late the urge for pain.

I went to see Laura Croft Tomb Raider last night. It was pretty good. I drooled lots! lol

Submission....

my submission.

I need to taken. I do not see submission as a gift. I have wrote about that before in my blogger. If it was a gift then I would be using my control, my will and my power to give it. And I it also implies that I have the power to take the gift away whenever I wish. That just does not seem like it would enslave me if I was able to take the gift away when I feel like it. To be powerless from it happening - that is Dominance. To be giving my submission and not really have a choice but that it comes out and is there just because the Dominant compelled it is D/s to me.

I feel I must have a strict Master. I need to know there are rules and I need to know they are serious and concrete. That there are consequences if I ever break them. There are few Dominants that want that amount of control and responsibility. Part of me fears finding my Master as it will be something that is hard for me. Fear. To push past fears. To have fears. To go further then I have before. What I fear the most I desire the most.

babbling babbling babbling today