manifesting your divine nature

Music: Dave Matthews Band

Well it is Sunday morning almost 6am. I went to SMART on Saturday night and then out with a friend after.

I am having a pms low level migraine (crossing fingers it does not hit harder tomorrow). I have been working on a website for Carpe Diem. And also now after Saturday night I have been put on the SMART Planning Committee for their website. So now at least I have a little bit of focus.

I am not tired and I should be. . . I am going to need to get my sleeping patterns back in line.

I was thinking tonight how we change according to how our life is going. I have been noticing people around me do that. I mean I look back in my life and see it too. Only example I can think of at the moment - is one with Todd. When I was with Todd, I felt that I could give up D/s. And now looking back at the months I have not had a regular everyday real life power exchange. . . I feel that I can’t live without some level of D/s in my life. But in that moment when I felt such love and such. . . Not sure the word - devotion maybe - I felt I could be happy being with him in anyway. And I don’t think I was off in that moment. I do believe with Todd how he started the relationship (notice I said “started“) it could have gone vanilla and I would have been happy. I think when we are in the moment and it feels good we accept things even if they are not our core belief or long term goal and even ethics at times.

I live my life by feeling. I analyze everything too. But I feel it more then think it. If it feels right - like the place I need to go then that is the direction I go.

I had that thing go on tonight where I was in a room full of people and felt alone.

Stopped writing about 5:45 and was reading archives of my blogger trying to find a post I did a long time ago and anyway I came across a post talking about my house. The house I used to dream about all the time. I have not had dream about my house in months I think September maybe.

From my journal - July 10th, 2000 - to explain the house more -

“. . . a reoccurring dream I have....not always the same but....it has the same house in it. It is the house and myself that are the constant in the dream. The house is a normal house really. It has a living room, dining room, kitchen and family room are all one big room, an upstairs with bedrooms, and a basement with playroom *grin* and rec room. Anyway, I have had the dream over the years...with various people in the dream. Jim and I were in the house. Brian one of my first loves. Danny has been in the house with his kids. Honey and her son have been in the house. Jackie has been in the house and also another area that is just for me...which I will explain more. Di has been in the house but she did not live there like the others have. jackie of Detroit was in the house too but she did not live there either. And it is not like that others have lived there all at once. They have not.

I will have dream with the house and a certain person. Like when I was in Germany I had dream where Honey's son was a teenager. He came in and I was in the kitchen cutting up some fruit. He was talking about school and then asked me to sign a permission slip for him to play football. I have had dreams with Danny and I in bed. Jim and I in the bathroom off the master bedroom. Mistress DM in the living room reading and I come in with a tray with tea and such on it and serve her tea by kneeling before her. Morgan is in the house in things.....the vase of fresh cut flowers on the dining room table, a painting on the wall, a silk scarf draped over the bedpost. She is in the house but I do not see her physical presence in the house.

I have a renovated barn on the property of the house and that is me. That is my art studio. It has all my books, little boxes, pictures, music and art things in it. There are 2 levels and the top level is my art studio. The bottom had been kind of a storage area until last summer when Jackie was here. I had a dream where I created the bottom level of the barn into her studio. I let someone in my studio. She did not come upstairs but she was in the barn and maybe that is not significant but it felt like it was. “

So that is the house. When I was with Todd, he was never in the house but on the porch in a chair or on the swing. . . He would pat the bench on the swing next to him to have me come talk to him. He would tilt his head like he does and give me that smile and his eyes would be so clear and his smile would melt me. Anyway when he broke up with me he walked off the porch in the dream and turned to look at me, smiled and then I turned to the door I remember feeling like I want to run inside. But instead I turned back to watch him walk away. I can’t remember now if I saw him walk away of he was just gone - maybe that is why I don’t feel the closure he just was gone.

I brought in the package tonight - I know that is why I am thinking of him. It is sitting about 3 feet from me. I unwrapped the outside layer of the brown paper that I had wrapped it in to mail it. And now the 2 packages and the 2 letters in the envelopes are sitting there.

Because I started to get upset I stopped writing for a moment and went back to my archives -

Something that stood out to me because I believe this is true -

“When you keep your word, you are manifesting your divine nature. The more that you keep your word to yourself and to others, the more your word becomes law in your universe. This gives you something you trust -- you can trust yourself. Your word counts. What you say makes a difference. You can take yourself seriously, and others can count on you.”

When I read that….I thought of one person…..Di.

Time to go to bed and try to turn this brain off!

peace,
danae