Love

Monday....

I am putting a time when I started this 5pm Monday evening.

Music: The Cranberries

My day started with a surprise. A surprised about a friend closing her business also. I feel guilty for some things regarding my business but when I weigh things out I know I did not have another choice really.

It is like my life has ended. I have no idea where I am going with it at the moment. My job had become everything to me. It consumed at least 65 hours of my week. I wake up with no direction and no focus. I feel completely lost and alone. I have always felt alone even with a group of people but this is even a new stage of loneliness. Maybe it is grief?

Michael, the friend I met this weekend online this weekend who is an artist, called me today. We had a nice chat. It is kind of eerie how much he and I have in common - just everyday life stuff.

I then had a nice chat with Monseigneur_E's slave. It was an interesting discussion. We talked about the realities of slavery basically. That so many people think it is one way...or want it to be one way but when they actually live it they find out it is very different. Slave have emotions just like all people do and those just do not go away or get turned off.

I lived as a slave for 2 years and during that time I was an obedient but very unhappy slave. I followed my rules and in that 2 years was punished 3 times. It never occurred to me during that time to not ask for permission to do anything. Before I knew what D/s was I was asking Jim for permission to do things. I never went out without asking. I told him before I left a room. I told him every morning what I planned on doing with my day. And I did not have a clue what D/s was about. It is kind of freaky that I submitted to him without even realizing it. When I was a slave I needed some training but most of it just came naturally. The only problem was that my needs were not being fulfilled. And that is why I eventually asked for release.

....stopped......and now starting again at 5:14am Tuesday morning.....

Music: Michelle Branch

Monday night.....I talked with Nick on the phone for 2 hours. We talked about the email I sent him back at the beginning of February. It was a good talk. He is always teaching me to look at things differently. We talked about so much....it was good and again he does not get scared when I cry which is a very good thing :)

I then signed online later and went into Mistress DM's chat room. And not even quite sure what to say about it. I mean I have purposely not written until just now because I was not only hurt but mad. I got my feelings hurt over a VERY sensitive issue with her. I actually had a discussion with 2 people about it today...how much it bothered me. Mistress DM has told me for a very long time I am not a slave (almost going on a year when she told me that). Which has amazed me as she always felt I was a slave up until I started talking about love. She also feels because I want attention makes me not a slave. I would say all the people I know and view as slave's.....they all want attention. Most just do not admit it out loud and I do. Why do we hang out and chat with the Dominant online? Not like there is much service to do then. We do it to talk with them....be with them...they are giving us attention during that time. Why would I not want my Master's attention? He wants mine.

If all I wanted was love....I could have stayed with Jim. If all I wanted was attention I could be with countless men that want to be with me. But I want more then that....I want to surrender. And I believe that if I am surrendering to someone I want it to be someone I love. I do not think there is anything unusual about that. All the slaves I know love their Owners.

I think every Dominant(in an ongoing relationships with not just a weekend or week) I have been with would tell me that I wanted them to be my ALL....and that I loved them and felt they were my Master. And many would say I did not see them as my partner. Funny thing is I have not had a partner since Morgan. Most would say that it was them that did not want to be my all...one exception to that. And by that point my trust had been broke to much to make him my all.

I think there is more I could write about this subject but it is now 5:30am and I should be in bed.

good night...

peace,
danae