Pots and Pans

Music: Michelle Branch

I have been writing a lot offline and have not been publishing it. Why? Because it walks on that line that I have in me......I don't like to hurt people. And I feel some of the things I write would hurt others. So I am censoring myself and that bothers me. So, do I be true to what I started this journal for...myself? or do I walk the line carefully to do both?

Not a fun decision.

A lot of my entries have been on friendship. People I thought were friends I am now questioning. People who I did not think were friends I now see as friends.

I wonder why I expect people to be good? Not to hurt others?

All that I have went through in my life you would think I got long ago that people do bad things. So why do I keep getting up and going on and thinking people are good?

I have lost respect for some people in my life and I do not like that feeling. I am questioning lots in my life and know I am sure much of it is due to that fact that I so many things up in the air.

I have had asthma problems lately too and I had basically had 2 asthma attacks in 3 years. But I have had 5 in 2 weeks. I am going to the doctor again tomorrow or Tuesday. I am going to address a few things and also get another STD panel something I do regularly even though I play safe.

I wrote a story for recently totally different from the stories I normally write. This one was for Sir Nick. It was not for me as in my "desires" but for him to show him how much I want to please him and make his life even better then it is now. He said something to me after he read it that keeps playing over and over in my head......he said it shows a dark side to you...a different dark side then he has seen. And I did not think the story was dark at all...that is what I said to him...I am jaded. But then I thought of a few conversations Kevin and I have had and thought....it was part of the dark side. I just did not want to admit it. Now I am trying to figure out how I explain this to Sir Nick that part of the darkness in me. It is something Kevin understands....probably the only person that has got it. Sir Nick will accept it but not sure he will understand it. I guess I will find out.

He and I have been talking on the phone lots lately. Our conversations usually last about 2 hours. It was his birthday the other day and I called him to wish him a Happy Birthday. He was just on his way out his door. He is a Bachelor and that was confirmed. He has lived in AZ for not quite a year and has not owned a pot or pan since moving there. He had all things that could be used to bake in or microwave in but nothing for the stove top. He was just about to leave to go shopping for some pans. I can see if I had been there what I had been doing right away :)

It is late and I am not tired but want to go lay down and have a good cry for no apparent reason. PMS? maybe....it is....

From "All You Wanted" ~ by Michelle Branch......

I'm sinking slowly
So hurry hold me
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on
Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when you're gone

peace,
danae