Seesaw

Music: Remy Zero

I know amazing that I am actually posting something tonight besides fillers :) I have been surfing the net tonight can you tell? lol I can see Trinity pushing me against the wall and taking me...works for me! LOL The what torture is me.....is probably pretty accurate too - scary huh?? lol Except the ignoring part. I am bad at that. Even when I want to I can't usually lol

Tuesday.....

Lets see how did Tuesday go....well I am sleeping more but now I am sleeping all through the day and up all night. I mean that I guess is better then going from 3 to 4 hours of sleep a night to now 8 to 10. I know I am sleeping more though because I am starting to get depressed.

I am feeling very lost on what to do with my life. I feel like I am starting all over again and have no direction. It is almost going on my 2-year anniversary when I started in this industry and now not sure where I am going or what I am doing.

Nick told me to look at that I have a door open and now I have so many possibilities in front of me. And I know that is a good way to look at it but for the past 5 years I have not had a regular 9 to 5 job and I wondering what the hell I am going to do. I told a friend on the phone tonight that I was not ready to grow up. She understood. As much as my job gave me stress and headaches, it has been VERY interesting. So now I am totally lost.

I chatted with Monseigneur_E and his slave Linda today online. I told him I scare most Dominants. And it is true. I do. He told me to cut and paste it to Linda. And she started giggling because she knew exactly how I feel. She said her and I are very similar...we have similar struggles within ourselves, with others and our submission. And she is right.

I struggle within myself, with others and with my submission all the time. It is like I am on a seesaw and trying to balance all that I feel and most of the time it does not work. Some emotions just weigh on me more and tip the balancing act.

I am going through grieving processes this week. Yes process is plural...more then one thing to be grieving about.

I am unsure what to do about the person who lied to me as I am still feeling a mixture of emotions on it. Nick has been very supportive and given me good advice on it all. He is so logical and calm though and I am very emotional and even though all he says makes sense my feelings get in the way. I had this shadow of memories going on today. And now I am trying to figure out what was the truth and what was a lie.....I mean if she could lie for that long so easily to me what else did she lie to me about? And yes I still care about her...but I have a big heart and still love Jackie and Todd too. Just very confused on what to do. *big sigh

Sir Nick signed online tonight and he messaged and we chatted for a little while and he then said something. It just reached out and said see this is who you are. And in that moment I felt it so clearly. I thanked him for reminding me he said you know who you are…..I now understood what he meant by that. I do….just not feeling it right now with all the gunk cluttering things up inside. I have reread the words a few times since to try to feel it again but I can't. That lost feeling over takes me again. It is cold and dreary.

And I don't want to go to sleep......

peace,
danae