Scared of you

Music: Nelly Furtado ~ Whoa Nelly

I chatted with Sir Nick online today. It was interrupted a few times so it was not a smooth line of conversation where I could ask him the million questions I have rolling around in my head.

I am having lots of self-image problems right now. I hear people in my head that I should not be hearing. Because they slow me down. I have several people attracted to me....want to date or own me. And yet I feel unattractive.

Probably why I crave touch....to feel that contact....because it is an acceptance to me.

I just wrote a long rambling letter to Sir Nick. I write him every night. It is usually within 40 mins of going to bed. I have went without writing before only to wake up in the middle of the night remember and sometimes I have tried to just go back to bed as I knew Sir Nick would not mind. He would rather have me get some sleep. But it is impossible I have to get up and write him lol I rambled on and on about "Sir" and Todd. Some things with self-image with them.

I had dreams of her last night....I had dreams of my body over hers looking into her eyes. Touching her face...moving the soft curls from her face. Seeing her nervousness and kissing her gently. I do not understand why I am dreaming of her so much. Dreaming of Jackie. :(

Last year at this time though was when I really gave her my heart completely. I remember talking to Honey about my love for Honey and she looked at me kind of shocked....because she thought I was talking about Jackie and then realized I was talking about her. She said you should read your words in your journal about Jackie you were in love with her. I said no I love her but not in love. But I believe I was in love with her.

Ugggh not sure what to do with those feelings.....thoughts about her.

I have real player open...and have it on one of it screens that called the nebula. I am just staring into it as Nelly Furtado is playing. Song playing right now called Scared of you.

I think it is time for bed lol

good night...

peace & serenity,
danae