God-Like

Music: Jennifer Lopez

I am censoring myself about a few things....

My feelings for Nick.... I am scared and I get more scared each day that goes past that we do not firm up our plans to meet. I get to feeling so at odds with things. We had these wonderful conversations hours on end and now I talk to him about once a week. It gets hard. And not sure how to say that other than it gets hard. Everyday I have people message me and ask how things are with Nick....and everyday I say “fine...just hard being away from him.” And everyday people ask me when I am going to see him and everyday I say the same thing. “He is busy with work and so we have not set that up yet.” I now have of course people telling me he is not real. And I know without a doubt he is real. That is something I can say for sure.

He is so real to me. That is something that feels so good and right. He helps me even right now - though we have limited contact he helps me get through life to have a goal to get to basically. But it gets harder to do this when I have limited contact and we do not know each other real life. He owns me already but of course there are parts he cannot without contact. He says something and I do it.

He shows me he cares in things he says....guy things. *smile* Like yesterday, when I was telling him something about Todd. He expressed his dislike in Todd because Todd hurt me. He has done that too when I told him about Don. Well, Don I think Nick would like to hurt...very badly. The tone in his voice is very much…..I care about you and do not like what these people have done to you. A couple weeks ago I had wrote him a letter expressing fear of him not wanting me basically and he stopped that…... he had me put on the brakes and turn around back towards him. His comments on things...about our life.....references to "when you are here...." - talking about him as Master and other little things. So I know he wants me there.

If we were spending more time talking and such like we did before, I wonder if I would be so insecure. If we had been talking like we did at first...I would have wanted to be there sooner I believe.

Other things censoring myself on....

A little bit on Todd. It is funny. Something happened recently and it showed me that my feelings for him are almost gone. I mean I care as I always do about people I love. But that need and to be his and a part of his life is gone...the strings he was able to pull in me have been cut.....he could never get me back...play with my mind and take me away from Nick. Which I was thrilled about lol Because as much as Di and I have talked about “what if” he came back...what would I do, I always said I would be friends but nothing ever more but in the back of my mind I wondered if I would be able to resist him. Now I know I could. :)

I took him off all my buddy lists a long time ago when Nick suggested it….but I did not on one yahoo because I was not on that yahoo name at that time much and then one on aol (because I forgot he was on that list). Anyway I was signing on the one on aol the other night and noticed the name he "supposedly" created for me was signed online. It was funny seeing it on the screen...if felt right in that moment like a lie. Kam would always say “if he created that name for you why is he signed on it when you are not online.” I always wondered that but never asked because the other questions I had with Todd were far bigger lol

Censoring about Ray....

He is a good man and I have talked to him about lots of things but I am still guarded and that drives him insane. I am going to still censor about him. Because I just do not know what to write. He will love that....because I told him that last night on another topic we were having and I could not find the words for what he wanted me to talk about.

I am drained. I am working LOTS. I went to bed at 3am last night. I woke up at 8am. I do not get enough sleep. So that is draining me, but what is draining me even more is the lack of contact with Nick. And Ray is feeling some of those feelings associated with that. I feel lost a lot of the time. I mean I am going forward with my life. I do the things I want and need to daily but that part of me that is Nick's (which is a pretty big part) feels like I am doing this alone right now. Lucky Ray gets to put up with me being like this LOL

It has been nice to kind of use him as a sounding board...I do the "what if you were my Master"....type topics...now do not take that the wrong way yet lol Last night I had a conversation with someone that did not approve of my profession. And the conversation upset me a lot and I can hear everyone a long with what Kam and Ray both said...ignore him you can't change his mind. Anyway, the conversation upset me and so I said if you were my Master would you want to know about it. He said yes anything that hurt you I would want to know about. He said you are wondering if you should send it to Nick. I said yes. :) I am glad he lets me do that with him.

Wonderful PMS....Last nights conversation with Ray ended me up in tears. He does not like that I am being so guarded with him. And he ultimately knows why...he and I can walk a dangerous line. He was the FIRST to pull out things in me that I had kept locked away. And maybe because of that he wants to crack the code of danae and know *all* of me. There is a part that is in me that no one sees. Not even Mistress DM. There is a part I do not let open to anyone. I can't just let go completely. And I want that more then anything but I will not let it go until I am sure. I am sure I am safe. I was starting to open it up and let it out with Todd and I got burned badly. So, not going to do it again.

The guy that did not approve of my profession of course then had to say that Nick did not really care for me because if he did I would not be doing what I was...uggghh Society's view is so different then how it really is...in this industry. I can't believe how much my self esteem and confidence has went up. I am soooo much more independent now. And I feel it makes me a better submissive as now I am able to give from strength instead of weakness. My job and just being with Kam has helped me grow as a person so that I give from strength.

That just brought to mind part of a conversation with Nick yesterday. I can't even remember what it was about but remember the feelings I had during it. He said something and the tone was basically one of those do you hear what I am saying. I said yes Sir. It came out so much....not sure the word....a part of me. Not fight no urge to fight. We had a playful conversation. I can joke with him and such but he lets me know where the line is at with him....he shows me my place.

I get these intense feeling about him and thoughts of him and I as Master/slave. They well up inside me and feel as though they are going to just burst out. I feel at times I can't contain them. I have written before that I tend to put my Owner in a god-like category. They are up on this pedestal. I feel that with Nick and I feel that with other people too such as Mistress DM. They are above me. And not like I am less then but yes it is....thinking of how I put it once. We are not equal....but that does not devalue me. I am important...they are just above me. I get that feeling with Nick often. He says I am good for his ego lol

Uggghhh it is 10am so my phone is starting to ring off the hook. So I need to go and take care of my business. I want to write more on those feelings above. So maybe later today or when I get back from Kansas.

peace,
danae