Music: Sting ~ Dream of the Blue Turtles
Weekend Happenings....
I did quite a few things this weekend and yet it was overall a quiet relaxing weekend. It is really nice not to be working on Saturday and Sunday's anymore.
I have lots going on with me...my emotions are really all over right now but I also understand the reasons for it. So even though I might feel all over I am not panicked like I would have been over a year ago. I know it is just a process and a phase that I will get through soon.
Weekend happenings....
Friday night after doing some work. I signed offline and felt very alone. In the past when I had that feeling I would do things that were not good for me. And it was also not good to the people in my life. Lately when it happens, just accepted it is that way and that yes I am alone right now but won't be forever. And that it is okay to be alone. But Friday night I couldn't just shrug it off or accept it...but I still did not do things I would have in the past. Also did not want to be at home. It is a mess right now and there is so many things here I need to be doing and it just overwhelmed me. I asked for help. I went to Kam and asked him if he wanted to go spend the night with me at hotel and hang out there and just veg and relax and forget about everything. So that is what we did. He ended up reading me a lot of the Anita Blake book :) It was very nice.
I have not slept in my bed for a long time. Mostly because of the nightmares I have. I need to watch TV to get to sleep now days. And so I sleep on the couch. So it was weird being in the hotel room on a bed.
Saturday morning Kam helped me run some errands. Things I seem to not have time for during the week and then we went to a late lunch. I had my favorite salad. We came home and I did some work for a while. I went out for a late dinner with a friend and we had a nice time.
Today I have to go and do a few more errands and grocery shop. We have nothing in our house. It is really pathetic lol And I need laundry detergent so I can do the mounds of laundry I have in the spare bedroom/dungeon/now laundry room lol
I am going through lots internally and I am sure some it has to be hormonal. I had been doing okay there for a while and then the last 3 days I have been in a lot of pain again. (no lectures please I have already had 2.)
Some of it is that I have been thinking about the time in my life right now what I want and things I have decided need to go to the next step. And so that always creates an emotional unbalance in me...where I feel all over the place. So I have lots of emotions going on right now and also I am very insecure. I realize it and actually have pointed it out in emails to Sir Nick...I write something and then reread it and see the insecurities and write about that...that I see them lol
Something that Sir David (someone that I have mentioned before back in August maybe July) said was that he did not mind submissive asking questions. He did not even mind if they asked more then once. He wanted them to feel secure and if it meant her asking, "Are you sure you want coffee instead of tea?" 5 times then he answered it 5 times because eventually she was going to trust that when he said yes the first time it was really what he felt and wanted.
Sir Nick seems to let me do that. But I never seem to need to ask beyond 2 times with him.
Example....if I were to see Nick with a look on his face that I interpreted to be he was mad about something. I would ask him if something was wrong. He might not be mad but that is what I felt I saw....but maybe he was just watching football and vegging. So he says no nothing is wrong. My insecurities...how they work...I might (I do not always do this but if my insecurities are like they have been lately) ask him "are you sure?" because in my mind maybe he is upset about something and does not want to tell me because it will upset me, maybe I did something and it is not a huge deal and he was going to let it drop, maybe he is mad about something that happened 3 days about and just does not want to talk about it, or maybe it is a million other reasons. My mind goes through all the things it could be even though it could be nothing at all. So I will ask are you sure to give him another chance to say yes something is but it not a big deal and I do not want to talk about it or no nothing is wrong. It is stupid and it wastes lots of energy but I have found even with Nick, at this point, my insecurities lessen when he says something I trust it the first time. But it takes me being allowed to ask as many times as needed to make me in that moment feel secure.
It is also a projection on my part. Because I can't answer things the first time. I have problems expressing myself. So, if that were me and someone asked me if something wrong, there might be but it might be something I did not know how to express or did not want to so I would say no nothing because I do not know how to get across to a person the other things I am feeling. So, I ask.
When I was first here, in Ohio, there was a person involved in my life that would ask me are you sure a lot and I would get so upset with her for asking. But the thing with her was that I did not want to express anything to her because I did not trust her. So I was not going to open up even if something was wrong. (Long story how she was involved with me when I did not trust her.)
Oh the joys of insecurities
I am really doing good with the attention thing. And happy about that :)
I felt the attention thing was going to sabotage Sir Nick and I as well as I have always hated that I did that. So I am glad to have a handle on that. Something else I have been kind of sabotaging myself with - with Sir Nick I started to get a handle on this week also. So I am happy about that.
So things are pretty smooth in my life right now - even with the up and downs of my emotions ....a couple of things missing at this time is finding the person I need to to help with work stuff and visiting Sir Nick.
Because of the process I am going through....I have realized that there is someone on my life I am going to hurt very badly and that has been weighing on me a lot and trying to figure out how to stop that or make it easier. *sigh*
Well, I better go and get on with my day I have several things I want to accomplish today.
peace,
danae
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