danae

Music: a mix - tatu, linkin park, frou frou, puddle of mudd, lily frost, kate bush, cocteau twins and many more
Mood: back hurting so a little grumpy lol
Topics: hmm a few thing but namely being selfish

I have so much I should write about…

I hurt my back so I have not got to do many of the things I need to this week. I am being stressed about lots of things He tells me to stop obsessing about because I can’t change them.

I am not sure why He is able to do things to me that others were not able to get away with…respect? Love? Devotion? All of the above plus a few?

He yells at me. He lectures me. He scolds me and I feel about 6 years old getting in trouble. And what irritates me…it works. I get upset with Him in the moment for doing it…and then afterwards I feel so much better. I feel cleared. It is almost cathartic…where it slows everything down and clears out all that I don’t need. That the only thing is what He is telling me.

I got upset last night and said something that I needed to say in the moment as it what I felt, but even worded nicely it - it wasn’t good. And I know it upset Master in more then one way….to hear His slave say “that” to Him. And He scolded me. I was upset at something He did and I ended up apologizing. That happens often. More then I like to admit.

In my past, they (whoever it was) would have been apologizing to me. But I got upset with something He did and I apologized. Was He right? Yes, mostly He was right. I just am overwhelmed and at times I don’t hear things how He intends them.

He is wonderful, supportive and loving. He is firm and strong too. He is in Colorado and I am moving Him not Him moving to me…so there is just a lot more work on this end. And so I am getting very overwhelmed.

He handles me being overwhelmed well but He handles it differently then the men in my past. He gives me supportive words, but then it is over. Then He expects me to “buck up and be a big girl” and sometimes…I can’t. I just get to a point of having so much on my plate I can’t.

I know I am not making much sense. He is very supportive. He is good with me - kicking me in the ass when I need it. And He is compassionate when I need it too. We just have Mars/Venus issues. (Meaning men are from Mars, women are from Venus - so we speak different languages at times).

I think of the scolding on the phone last night and it keeps making me think of what I said to Him on the phone the a few weeks ago. But I can’t understand why that is popping up now…I wasn’t being selfish last night….was I?

Maybe a little.

A few weeks ago I uttered words to Him that I have never uttered to a Dominant before. “I am sorry I am selfish, Master”

I am selfish…

Not a newsflash I am sure, but a HUGE thing for me to admit out loud - to Him. I have admitted to friends, but I have never admitted to a Dominant - a Dominant that I am submitting to.

I said I was selfish. He did not agree or disagree in that moment, but He has told me I was being selfish before. But I did not want to hear it at all even if it was true.

I think back at my life…with other Dominants.

Especially my relationships with Dale and Kam. And I was selfish. I felt justified in being selfish. My needs were not being met. Did that make it right for me to be selfish? No, it did not. I should not have been selfish.

I can look back and see that if needs had been met I probably would not have been selfish, but what I seek, where I want to go and what I want to become…it is not right to be selfish at all.

But the main reason I get sulky, pitch a fit and become selfish is because of what *I* want is not being done. And…DUH…that should be a big duh in my head : )

Expectations….My “ideas” of how things “should” be….

I am not in control. And I don’t want to be…

I just get scared that maybe…and “what-if“…we aren’t on the same page…like what happened with a past Dominants.

I remember when I was one person’s slave….he would have me go to do things that I felt would harm me. And some of those things did. I became bitter and resentful for having to do these things that harmed me. Not to mention the fact that most of my needs were not being taken care of so resentments were building with that also. So, I would do whatever I was told to do but without obedience in my heart.

I would get mad because my expectations and ideas on how things should be were not being done. Now I am not saying that I don’t have expectations with Master. I do. But they are generalized expectations (such as He has responsibilities as my Master - such as making sure my needs are met - notice I said needs not wants). And specific expectations are something I am not allowed anymore. If I want something, I can express it, but it is totally up to Master wanting it if it will be done or not. Eventually I see my wants being His…totally and not a need to ask for what I want because I will want what He wants me too. I really like that thought even if it scares me.
Master is not anyone from my past. He will often say I am not (fill in the blank). (Hearing M in my head when he would say - so You and Tom, Dick, Harry, and -Next-) because He felt I just went from one to the next…and I did) I want to obey Him not only outwardly but inwardly. I want Him to be my focus. I want Him to be my center….I want to please Him. I want His pleasure be my pleasure.

I did not have the desire to please in some of my past relationships. I had a sense of duty - but I did not have the depth of desire that I do with Him. I desire to serve and please Him, but more importantly I need it. It has become a need to please Him. These months here have been…hard because I don’t have that need being met like I did when I was there. It is hard to serve and please Him from here. I am still serving Him and pleasing Him from here but not to the level I do when with Him 24/7.

I don’t like to displease. I did not want to displease any of my past Masters, but so often the case would be that I felt they were wrong and I was right. With Master though….even when I have felt He was wrong, I obeyed not only outwardly but I am learning also to inwardly accept it and have the obedience of the heart. Where I believe what He wants, thinks, and does is all that matters. Later, if I wish to discuss it - that is fine. But in that moment obedience is all that matters.

It is getting easier.

I am learning to accept. Accept - that He won’t be like the past - that it is okay to be this way again - that it is okay to bring walls down and expose myself to Him - that it is okay to be me.

In that acceptance, I have been finding strength. I find it gives me confidence, calmness and centers me…and I feel stronger in it.