danae

Music: Launch Radio - Adult Alternatives
Mood: All over the place - crying to fighting

I am crying….again. I have been doing that lots the last few days. He just left for the day we chatted some this morning.

I don’t know how to communicate what I need right now. It has taken me a long time to figure out it is okay to express what I need…even with Him. It is just how I express it with Him. But today was one of those days where if I have to express it - and He does do it - then that need being taken care of is less likely. I know that probably does not make sense. But it is like I need Him to look into me and see…it…see all those things that bubble out from the darkest corners of my soul. Those places that I get scared to look….I hear those corners whisper to me and I try to pretend they are not there…I don’t want to admit those things it is saying out loud and it is taunting and clawing its way up…saying let me out…into the light….make it real. Let me be validated by the light. Let me be validated by Him. Let me be validated by myself.

Last night I offered myself to Him for His pleasure. I offered even though mentally I was not sexually aroused (physically I was though). I offered, I felt, in the true intent of the suggestion. And part of me was happy about that. (Just a note: He can use me - obviously whenever He wants to but He likes when I offer.)

So, He told me what He wanted me to do. I burst into tears. It wasn’t something I have not done before - I have but usually when I am mentally turned on. I was upset, so we talked about what is going on. And I let out that right now…the last few days…I feel like I need to fight. That I have anger and sadness and fear all bubbling up and making me want to fight Him. I hate when that happens. And it has not happened in a while so I am even more upset because I have been doing so good at letting go and accepting.

I don’t understand why I feel like I need to fight. Is it just stress of leaving? Fear of being happy? Fear of the things that will happen there with Him?

I don’t have doubts we are right together so I should not fear the relationship with Him right? I know we are good together. So why would I fear what will happen there?

I have old stuff coming up - I know. And I know it is because this week was my anniversary of moving here. And so….duh I have fears coming up. I just keep trying to remind myself that He is not the same as my past. During times like this…the past wells up and tries to make the warmth and rightness of Master and I fade. But it does not. It just screws around with me emotionally and mentally. But when I calm to my center then I feel that rightness so strongly. It is overwhelming at times.

Okay…

After He found out that mentally I was not there, then He did not get pleasure from using me. Other nights it would not have mattered if I were mentally turned on or not. He uses me when He wants and when it brings Him pleasure and last night - not being mentally there - did not turn him on. So, He decided not to use me.

I went to bed - sad crying but woke up in the middle of the night being very aroused because of the dreams I am having…

Dreams of…
Being slapped, hit, punched, kicked….looking like a battered thing.
Having my clit burn - I have had this dreams before. It is like a piece of metal coiled tight. It is held over a flame for a while and then He presses it to my clit.
Having my cunt sewed up….needle and thread working its way in and out of my labia - being sewn up so nothing can come in
Being used and then locked up and away because He does not want to look at me
Lots of images of being hurt but also verbally humiliated too. Those places in me that does not like to say what I think of myself out loud…want to be touched again.

I need pain - emotionally and physically. I want what we had last Friday. It clicked so perfectly. It helped so much. It touched all those places and validated them and made me feel free so free finally.

But right now I feel overwhelmed with everything that is going on and it feels like I need to gain some focus and those things help me.

So - this morning - He was doing some surfing as we chatted. And I knew He was going to go masturbate before work. And so I pushed myself to offer myself even though after last night I was very scared to that. I was aroused mentally from my dreams as well as physically turned on too.

And so I did it and He said He was going to use me. He asked if I was mentally turned on…and I expressed yes that I was mentally turned on. And He gave me what He wanted me to do - and it was the *same* thing as last night. I should have expected it - but for some reason I was not. And being emotional girl that I am right now - I burst into tears.

It brought up the things that I was feeling last night - the fight - the anger - the sadness - the fear and…it was all up front again. And so mentally of course…what happened? I shut off. I told Him that and this time He did not care.

Even though I shut off mentally - those dark corners of my soul - were still bubbling and I could feel it. I felt the need for pain. And so I expressed that even though I did not want to - as I knew saying it out loud was going to take away from the benefits - like I explained at the beginning of this entry.

So now - I feel like I need pain - emotional and mental and I feel the need to fight - both are stronger. And the thing He is going to have me do won’t touch either of those to help. I know this is for His pleasure. I accept that - I really do. I want to please Him. But I just need help to calm things down and pain helps that. So I wish I could have that need met.

I know someone else that is close to me going through a similar thing. She is struggling and needing things and not getting them. Maybe it is the season?

Just to make it clear - it is not that He does not get it He does, but without me able to communicate fully how I am feeling and what I am thinking right now - He can’t really help me fully.

I can get some out…Fighting - Stress - Sadness - Anger - Fear. But my feelings are all over the place. My thoughts are racing - how do I pull them out to examine them? How do I identify all that I am feeling?

*sigh*

Going to go complete my order and then go on with packing and such.