danae

Music: it is CD with Celtic music on it...not anyone in particular a variety
Mood: a little scared, but hopeful and lighter
Topics: Meditation and fighthing meditation

As I said last night either I will be writing up a storm or not much….

Well last night started with meditating and writing 6 pages in my handwritten journal before I went to bed…

But I am getting ahead of myself….

Last night I knew I would not be able to get to sleep easily. And of course I had not asked Him if I could masturbate. And so I went to something He has been encouraging me to do for months. And I have done on and off, but when I would desperately need too.

I sat down and meditated on the Osho Zen cards I pulled.

The Burden - The Creator - The Fool

In my mind’s eye though I also had the images Primal Scream painted in her journal when she was dealing with rage with her Owner.

I went to this place of where I saw her and her Owner and then it over time changed….and then it was Him and I….

And our conversation we had last night on the phone.

I heard it in His voice. He was not mad like He was a few weeks ago on the phone. He was very matter of fact like. It is not mine…nothing is mine anymore.

And so why do I hang on to them?

The Burden card flashed to my mind….

The card is a man trying to go up a mountain with a man in kind of royal dress and then a rooster on top of that man....the man is carrying these charaters on his back...he looked tired like his energy is drained.

“It feels like a struggle from the cradle to the grave...it is time to drop the characters from your back. You have your own mountains to conquer, your own dreams to fulfill, but you need all your energy and you can only get that from dropping them...releasing yourself from all expectations you've gathered from others but now think on your own. Chances are those characters only exist in your mind. It is time to lighten up and send them on their way.”

I give power to those burdens. I give power to people who don’t deserve my power. I give people power when the only person that I want to give up control and power to is Him.

I hate wasting energy...I have told Him that many times and someone that I don't want to waste energy on I have wasted a lot of energy and given that person a lot of power too. And as I write that I am thinking really loudly THAT SUCKS! Shame on me!

So in my mind’s eye I took off some of those burdens…expectations of others…that are not the goal I have in my life. My mountain to conquer is surrender. I will surrender and accept. I give my power over to Him. I give Him control. Not to the expectations of others. What they think does not matter....only thing that matters is I know me. I know what I want. I know I WILL have it. And I know that He sees it too.

Those are things I thought of during meditating and after meditating, I felt so much better. Lighter…free from a lot of expectations. I don’t expect it to be easy…that now they are just poof gone. I know it will be work…but I last night when writing I gave thought to how to keep myself focused.

And I kept coming back to my spiritual beliefs that I have been learning, but not putting a lot of time into. And that is Buddhism. Buddhism encourages meditation also.

I wrote last night in my journal…wondering why did I fight Him so when He would encourage me meditate. It is something good obviously after just last night’s session; it did me a world of good. I feel the calmness inside. I don’t feel all the insecurities, struggles as much today.

So why did I fight Him when He was encouraging me to do something good for myself and obviously it would help my service to Him?

Those internal programmings…

Self messages....

Thoughts I came up with….

Years of not being able to rely on what others tell me is good for me. Not having faith in that they have my best interest at heart. Years of people not really knowing what is good for me, because they really don‘t know me. Because how would someone that has just known me this short of time know what is good for me? Years of doing things on my own and I can fix this and I don’t need help from anyone not you, not her, not my spiritual beliefs and not meditation. I can do it all! *rolls eyes*

I am sure there countless other messages I give myself why to fight this....

So turn those around....

I can count on Him. I do have faith in Him to be there and know what is best for me.

He does know what is good for me. Let him do his job. Have faith in Him.

He does know me more then I like to admit....but why fight that? I want that...I have wanted that all my life. So let go and let him know me...let go and allow Him to help me.

He wants to help me...He is willing. Let Him. I am not allowing Him to have the power to do His job if I don’t let Him help me. I have searched for someone strong enough...to see through the walls and mask and know....the core in me. And He is trying to do that...trying to help me....so let go and let him help.

Lesson learned....Only expectations that matters are His. Mediation is a good way to figure all that I am fighting, a good way to help me focus, a good way to find peace, a good way to put what I need to in the center of my world. Lessons learned….not everything needs to be a battle….that I need help to conquer fears, insecurities, struggles…self messages that are not good or healthy. Lesson Learned…I am not in control. He is….and I sit here and smile as I write that….because I feel it more today then I have….really ever.