Thurday night I did an Oslo Zen tarot reading….for myself…for where I was going on my path of hmm enlightenment.
But first a quick update of life....
Thursday morning I chatted with Him. It was a good conversation with Him telling me He is proud of me not once but actually a few times. I am not sure if I can explain what it means - what it feels like - when He says those words to me. I get so overwhelmed with feelings....because it means so very much to me that He is proud of me. I then headed to Moni's. Friday night was a "surprise" party for Bill. It is his birthday this next Friday. Moni made dinner for Bill and an intimate group of us...and then we headed over to the dungeon and met up with more friends for the "surprise" party. (side note: keep putting surprise in quotes as it was not really a surprise even though it was suppose to be.) So, hung out with good friends celebrating Bill's birthday. Saturday did some running around with Moni and Michael and then went to dinner and then a movie with Moni. We went to see Phone Booth. It was Speed but without the bus and insert a phone. *rolls eyes* It was not horrible just done before ya know? Tomorrow we might go see the Rodin exhibt. This week I hope to have a busy and fruitful week. Really have gotten into high gear last week and now the upcoming weeks also to be going home to Him. We have had some changes in our plans. And I am going to be leaving things stored at Bill and Lisa's and then...drive to Colorado at the end of the month. Then He and I will come back and get my stuff later....in August most likely.
Okay on to the reading....It turned out to be a very good reading.
The spread is called a Flying Bird.
1) Here and now – the “life-off” card of the path: Awareness
2) Resistance card – the “fear of flying” card: Healing
3) Response-ability to the fear: Courage
4) Inner support (intuition) of responsibility: Going with the flow
5) External support: The Master
6) Relaxation and acceptance: Past Lives
7) Arrival at the new level of awareness: Integration
I am including some or all of the commentary from the cards.....and then my thoughts on them.....
The awareness card says: “You do not need to struggle to make something happen. Let yourself settle into a place…deep inside you are just a witness, eternally silent, aware, unchanged. A channel is now opening from the circumference of activity to that center of witnessing. It will help you become detached, and a new awareness will lift a veil from your eyes”
I believe that card is almost telling me all that I need is inside me. I don’t need to search outside myself. I have the awareness here. And just kind of sit here and the veil will lift.
Not sure if He will agree with that card. wench and I discussed something similar on Thursday. She said I am focusing on the struggles too much…and I will make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. I understand her point.
The Healing card says: “It is time when the deeply buried wounds of the past are coming to the surface, ready and available to be healed. The figure in this card is naked, vulnerable, open to the loving touch of existence. The aura around his body is full of light and the quality of relaxation, caring and love that surrounds him is dissolving his struggle and suffering. When we are under the healing influences of the King of Water we are not longer hiding from ourselves or others. In this attitude of openness and acceptance we can be healed, and help others also to be healthy and whole.”
I believe I have feared exposing myself – in working on some things I need to - I knew I would be vulnerable and naked and scared that the person I was with would not be able to handle it. He can though. I do have lots of support not only from Him but all my friends. My friends have been the best I could ever have….they don’t judge me. I have always said I am the freak among the freaks…how I want to live the lifestyle is much different the most of the people I come across here. But my friends have always been supportive, accepting and loving! I have always known I could not face the fears I have right now without help from the ONE that “owned” me. Why? Mostly just because I knew it would be something I needed help with - from someone that I was intimately involved with….who knew the person I was...and trusted in that there was more depth then even He could imagine. I know Master sees that.
The Courage card says: “This card show a small wildflower that has met the challenge of the rocks…emerging into the light through the rocks…..We are faced with a very difficult situation we have a choice: we can either be resentful, and try to find somebody or something to blame for the hardships, or we can face the challenge and grow. The flower shows us the way, as its passion for life leads it out of the darkness and into the light. There is no point fighting against the challenges of life or trying to avoid or deny them. They are there and if the see is to become the flower we must go through them. Be courageous enough to grow into the flower you are meant to be.”
I think that card is pretty self explanatory. I am met with the challenges of life right now and there is no way to go through but just to do it and be courageous. I know that when I get through this I will be the flower I was meant to be....an owned flower *smiles*
The Going with the flow card says: “Every moment in life we have a choice whether to enter life’s waters and float, or to try to swim upstream. When this card appears in a reading it is an indication that you are able to float right now, trusting that life will support you in your relaxation and take you exactly where it wants you to go. Allow this feeling of trust and relaxation grow more and more; everything is happening exactly as it should.”
All that internal work I am doing is working towards trusting…and relaxing more that this is it….that the big picture is coming just relax, trust and I will get there. Not saying it is not work I think it is, but I also think right now being this far from Him is hard to do all the work that is needed so it is telling me to trust and relax and just go with the flow right now.
LOL the next card when I flipped it was like DUH : )
This card after reading it…it is almost like that silent knowing. He does not have to do anything just Him and I look to Him and submit to His truth, wisdom and authority. It talks of disciples not following, but to soak up his presence, but I do and will follow Him, but also I soak up His presence. :) So this still rang out Master as soon as I turned it out….it is what leapt from it….HIM.
The Master card says: “His very gesture and his every word reflect his enlightened state. He has no private goals, no desire that anything should be other then it is. His disciples gather around him not to follow him, but to soak up his presence and be inspired by his example. In his eyes they find their own truth reflected and his silence they fall more easily into silence of their own beings. The master welcomes disciples because has so much to share. Together they create an energy filed that supports each unique individual in finding his or her own light. If you can find such a Master, you are blessed. If you cannot keep on searching. Keep moving on.”
My Master’s state is just being Himself. And in doing so, I long and desire to serve and please Him. I find truth of who I am and who He is being reflected in His eyes. And I find enlightenment in the silence of being who we are when we are together. It is like an energy coming together to form something intense, passionate and incredible. I am blessed that Master found me.
The Past lives card says: “Revealed are many images, faces from another time. The point is to see and understand the karmic patterns of our lives, and their roots in an endless repetitive cycle that traps us in unconscious behavior. The two rainbow lizards on either side in this card respresent the knowing and not-knowing. They are the guardians of the unconscious, making sure that we are prepared for a vision that might otherwise be shattering. A glimpse into the eternity of our existence is a gift, and understanding the function of karma in our lives is not something that can be grasped at will. This is a wake-up call: the events in your life are trying to show you a pattern ancient as the journey of your own soul.”
I believe this card means I need to understand karma and relax and accept it. I need to look to the past patterns and wake up and see how I need to change them now. I am not sure I believe in past lives but when I read this card to me it was speaking to my past not past lives. But there is a theory that a friend has about past lives. That we keep living coming back until we get it right. And part of me is to a point in my life where I wonder if that is true. Not sure.
The Integration card says: “The image of integration is union mystical, the fusion of opposites. This is a time of communication between the previously experienced dualities of life. Rather then night opposing day, dark suppressing light, they work together to create a unified whole, turning endlessly one into the other each containing in its deepest core the seed of the opposite. The eagle and the swan are both beings of flight and majesty. The edge is the embodiment of power and aloneness. The swan is the embodiment of space and purity, gently floating and diving upon and within the element of the emotions, entirely content and complete within her perfection and beauty. We are the union of the eagle and the swan: male and female, fire and water, life and death, the card of integration is the symbol of self-creation, new life, and a mystical union; otherwise known as alchemy.”
WOW…to me that speaks volumes to me….to what is going on right now with me. And where I see myself. I see Him and i as two sides of the same coin…..yin yang…coming together to form a mystical union. I also relate it just back to myself as I am allowing my core to come to the light…the dark and the light becoming unified. I am becoming the person I have always wanted to be.
So that was the reading. I think it was pretty powerful....
My thought patterns have changed a lot this week.
Little things I would have struggled with I now am letting go of a lot easier....turning things around to see why I am fighting, pitching a fit, struggling..and so on. And then I find out why I am, ask myself in the relationship I have with Him is this something that I need or just want. And then my final step which I hope to have been the first someday....is I see what that thing is doing for Master...did it make Him happy? Did it give Him pleasure? The bottom line is He desired it and then i am happy with His pleasure. "The pleasure of His pleasure." I get pleasure from the things that make Him happy.
Example: I really really did not want Master to watch The Secretary without me....because I wanted to experience a certain scene in it with Him. On Wednesday, He watched it and told me on Thursday. He was telling me how He enjoyed it and such. I was disappointed, but the old patterns I would have done was pouted and wanted to get mad. But what I did was ask myself why. And even though I don't feel my wanting to watch it with Him was for selfish reasons...when I looked at the bottom line....He has gotten pleasure from watching it. He wanted to watch it without me for whatever reason....and I accepted it. And took pleasure in knowing He enjoyed Himself. :)
I hope all that makes sense. He is now online so I am going to publish this :)
