danae

Music: a mix of Lords of Acid, NIN, Linkin Park, Godsmack, Puddle of Mudd, Marilyn Manson, and a few songs from Queen of the Damned Soundtrack
Mood: depressed....fighting to stay above water
Topic: Struggle, Natural or Unnatural....basically I guess

What I want is to be a slave….His slave more importantly.

How do I get there though? Is it easy? Is it natural?

When I was 18, I was involved with a man named Don. If I look at our relationship to a certain point (before he got into some gambling problems), I feel the warmth in it. The warmth that completed me and told me this was who I am…a slave. There was such…freedom in his control over me. It felt so natural. So right. He had absolute control over me. And it felt natural. I did not struggle. I did not hesitate or think…why? Did he do it in a way that made it seem natural? Or was it just there and in my innocence I let it out?

The Osho Zen card….innocence just popped into my head. I will come back to that at the end.

Okay so did he enslave me in a way that seemed natural? Or was it just the innocence of my age that allowed me to let it out freely?

I can’t figure it out. The rest of my relationships were…not as a slave. Dale…I was submissive to him. It was when I was first coming back to this lifestyle and I was scared. So I put up really big thick walls - okay so they were already there - I just added lots of heavy locks. When we were together I served and pleased him, but it was play…I did not let it come from the natural part slave part just the slut in me. I put it on and new I only had to put it on and keep it up for 3 to 5 days and so I could talk myself past the fear for 3 to 5 days. Then came Kam…I gave up a lot to Kam. I had a sense of duty in my submission to him. But there was parts of me…that he did not even know were there. I was slave in action to Kam, but not in heart. Next Todd….I was not a slave, but I would have been if he had let me. But it scared him. I surrendered lots to Todd, but in the time we were together of course he did not see all of me. But not because I did not want him to, but because he did not want to see it.

So now we come to Him….

He….I am giving him more then I even gave Don….and obviously more then I gave anyone in between….

But it is a struggle…

After Don, I know I talked myself into….that what he and I did was “wrong” and “bad.” That I should not want what he did to me.

I have lived lots of years telling myself that all that was inside of me…all those feelings I have to serve and please someone completely, freely, bending to his will, and giving up my power was unnatural. That I needed to be more like __________ (fill in the blank of any career focus, aggressive woman). (Disclaimer: I think you can be that and give up your power, but years of conditioning told me that have to be one or the other and that giving up power was “wrong“) That I should not want someone else to have control over me. That I should not want to submit to someone else’s will….

Conditioning years of conditioning…I am fighting through.

But that natural part of me…my will is that I want to bend to His will….I am a slave….His slave.

I think the path…and know that I will get to the place in the journey where I feel free in being a slave will come…again. I look forward to that day….

But right now it is a struggle. A struggle against conditioning….a struggle against all those inner voices we have that say negative messages. A struggle against what others think is “the right way.”

My lesson is to learn the only way is His way. And it is a lesson that I know will become natural to me. That I will wrapped in the warmth of bending to His will, wrapped in the warmth of being with someone who allows me to be me, wrapped in the warmth of being His slave.