danae

2 steps forward 1 step back…..1 step forward?

This morning after I wrote my journal entry. I wrote Him…His morning email. In it I talked that I did a journal entry and then I went on to describe a dream I had last night.

The dream involved someone I was shocked was in my dream, but I think it also went with my meditation last night….of not letting people have power. So, I have placed this person in my dream to show myself just the amount of power she has….none. He was in control.

Anyway, the dream turned me on - I know surprise surprise!

So this mornings I described the dream in my email and He wrote me back and told me I may masturbate to orgasm. The thing about the orgasm, there is a price to pay with that orgasm and there was not a choice. It was not like I was told you can orgasm and pay the price or you don’t have to and not pay the price. It was “you will orgasm and you will pay the price.” So how did I react at first….DUH if you know me…you know I got upset and cried. I was upset He was “making” me do this…knowing the price I would pay. It is unfair I said in my mind. And then I shook my head and sat down….

I took a few breathes slowed everything down and….then I turned it around…why am I upset? Because He is in control? I want Him to have control so I don’t need to be upset about that. So why am I crying? Because I want my way? Sure! I don’t want to pay the price I am going too….

But….

It is not my choice. It is not my power. It is not in my control. He wants me to pay the price. He wants me to orgasm. And….I *want* and *need* to please and serve Him.

So, I won’t fail Him.

Usually my mindset would panic….would freeze and not be able to orgasm and try to keep it in my control because I don’t want the consequences of the price I will be paying. But…I GET IT…I will pay it when He wants me to, how He wants me to, whenever He wants me to, where He wants me to….

I AM NOT IN CONTROL! (caps for emphasis not yelling)

Do you think I am going to get that in my head?

I want to….and I will.