danae

I dreamt of Don the last few nights - surprise - surprise - yes here the sarcasm in my voice lol

These are the thoughts that came from this mornings meditation....

Why do I feel the need to embrace this lifestyle so much? I put so much passion and totality into it.

I tasted it….that is why….it wrapped around me….spinning me….and stopped….to show me what consumed me…..surrender.

The taste of surrender is what I have craved for 17 years.

I could have surrendered with Todd, but he did not want it. The pain I had from that relationship…I still have scars…wounds from it. I healed a lot of it last May. But some of my fight and struggle come from the fact I don’t want to be rejected.

I have always talked about wanting it taken from me. And one reason….when I peel back the layers is….I get scared...

I don’t want to be rejected again. I don't want to hurt...I don't want the person I am with to not accept what they see when those layers are pulled back....

I am very scared about that with Him. He would shake His head in agreement with that….I am scared about that.

I am scared I expose all this…and then He will leave me...I am scared He will not like what He see as those layers are pulled back....those are the fears. But in reality He has been the first I have truly felt could handle it and will not leave...that will see the long term benifits....will see what type of a slave He will have....at the end of her struggle. I struggle and fight because of those fears...but that is how I have done it for years...so it is almost like I am conditioned to do it before I think about it. Before I give Him a chance or let faith work its magic....I fight just because it is how it has been.

I was thinking about past relationships…I have ended most of them….except Todd. But I have a fear of being abandoned and not being accepted. I do because…this probably will not sound logical at all….I do because I get in relationships with men that I find out that I can’t be who I am at my core with….I find out they are not
strong enough to handle it. And so either I resign myself to doing what I have to in that relationship for a while…but eventually I always get out.

M was strong enough to handle it. But mostly He just ripped into me and said you will surrender. And I surrendered for moments but again….I was able to
pretend because I could walk away from him and be back to how I have to be…how I have made myself be after years of programming.

I don’t want that and am working so hard right now to be the best I can be…to serve my Master completely. I want this for me as well as Him. I sound like the army slogan. lol

I think about what it would be like without…the things He is giving me….

That ebb and flow of the power exchange…
That growth…I am going through to push through fears, insecurities, struggles….
That ache in my soul…that screams with need to serve and please…to be His slave…
That journey to yin/yang….to completion ….to total surrender…to serenity…

I don't want to go backwards...I need to go forward so that I can find my serenity.....surrender to Him.