Feelings & Thoughts about the Extreme Post

I have a few people ask about a recent post....about how felt after that extreme experience or how I view it in general…

I am going to start with how I view it….

It was consensual. I titled it use and abuse, but please hear the word consensual use and abuse. I knew what he was into and that he was an extremely sadistic man. I knew that I would hurt and suffer. He was strict and harsh, but at the same time a nice and caring man. I know that it does not sound like it from that post, but he did things in his own way that often later I would look back at and see how it was his way of showing me he cared.

Such as after that scene he called me several times that evening. He was harsh in his words, but he was asking me question to figure out my mindset and how I was handling things. He still treated me like an it by humiliating me, but honestly he wanted to play with his toy again. So he called as he knew that it was hard and I would most likely crash.  He was helping me through it. It is not in a manner most Tops would give aftercare. But I am so thankful as I just don't like aftercare. But he was checking to make sure his toy was alive and letting me know his own way that he cared, but he kept me positively knowing where my place was with him. I never felt loved or adored and that was nice at that time.

Back on topic, I don’t view it as a bad time in my life. Actually quite the opposite….he was a good learning experience. He pushed me. He was extremely good at breaking me down into a mindset and making me feel the things I needed to feel. I was craving to be totally stripped and bared exposed and vulnerable. I do not view it as unhealthy. But I do think it depends on the mindset and the situation.

I wanted to be stripped down to be able to release all the layers I put on because society tells me this is what a woman should be. I also had a lot going on emotionally at the time in my life so as he stripped me to the core it was a release. I needed the release. I needed be stripped down.

He was able to strip everything away and leave me very exposed and vulnerable, but it was a good thing to me to let go. It was very cleansing. It was hard. It hurt, I was scared, and I suffered. But I was able to suffer – and through that let go of so much.

What he did to me makes me hot, but also leaves me cold at times too…because I was scared. But I needed that time with him. I am not sure I could do that long term. I know with Don – who I had a lot of extreme experiences with - things got to a point where I did not know up and down he had my world so turned around. But yet again, I still crave what he did to me too. I like the brutality that these men unleashed on me. I am thankful they allow me to be a tool to use.