I love my best friend

Music: a mix of music mostly about love and being there for each other

I am about to post something that is hard for me to post. It is a journal entry from my handwritten journal from back at the beginning of March. I don’t have the exact date because it was one of those I forgot to date but it is between March 1st and March 11th in my journal.

I have given lots of thought to posting this and other things that happened with Di. Why should I not post how I feel? That is what my journal is for to write about what I feel and what is going on with me. Nothing I say in it is malicious or a lie. So, I am posting this…- but of course nervous about it still.

From Handwritten journal - Beginning of March -

I want to be needed. No one's ever thought they might tear their hair out if they never spoke to me again, you know. I want someone to let the phone ring a dozen times just in case I'm coming in the door while it's ringing. I want someone to want to keep me more than they want to keep their composure. I want someone who'll kick and scream if they think they might lose me, who won't let me go without a proper fight. I'm always the one who is left saying, "Wait... don't go". And when I say something else instead, I still always mean, "Wait...don't go".

Di sent that to me. And she did it, I feel, for a reason. I feel she was screaming for me not to go.

We are best friends. I was sitting here thinking of all the things her and I have been through and all we supported each other through. And then I started thinking of all the things that she went through since this summer and how much I was willing to do anything for her to help her and her girls. And it feels like I got kicked in the stomach.

For months it felt like to me she was pushing me out and I kept screaming “Wait don’t go” and I kept saying it and she was not listening. I have (and other friends of hers) have felt she is being self-destructive. And maybe this was just another way to do that…- to betray her best friend and push me out completely?

I love unconditionally. And I love her - unconditionally - or how I like to say it - without boundaries. Until now....because trust was broken. It has been so hard not to have my best friend around. But how can I trust someone that betrayed me like she did? I want to, but I am not sure Di is willing to go through the work needed to salvage being best friends.

I can hear her telling me she was a bad person. I can hear her asking if I felt we would always be friends. I can hear her asking if there were anything she would do that I could not get past. She said all those things to me out loud often.

Do those things justify what she did? I feel she believes it does. But it does not. We have choices in this world. We can’t control others - what they do, how they act, or what they say….but we can control ourselves. We can think before we do the things we do. We have choices.

I have not left her - I still chat with her, think about her, and worry about her, and that probably won‘t change ever. And I will be here if she needs me. But the next step to repair things is her choice. Because without us facing this. . . It will NEVER NEVER be the same.

peace,
danae