Approval - Self Confidence

From Starving For The City Monday, April 22nd....

Sometimes . . .I drive my self crazy. Today has been one of those days, without a doubt. Hypersensitivity is the best explanation but maybe there is something more scientific or cosmic perhaps. All I know is that really silly stuff is making me cry, get the churney stomach and the dreaded "not good enough" feeling. A wise woman told me that someday soon I will not care about what people think of me. I have my calendar. Could you pin point a day for me? I would like to throw a party - or ateast have cocktails to celebrate. I would like to say I don't give a damn. I tried it. Really, I did. I even said it with conviction. I sounded believable. Then the damn feeling of "why don't they like me?" came back. Viscious cycle. I take things way too seriously. I need a break. I need a good drink. I need quality sleep.

I just could relate to that feeling....and I like the way she said it.

I don't care what some people think, but then if they are certain people I care about that I do care what they think about.....but it is certain people I care about. Like Honey I don't care what Honey thinks because it goes beyond that....not sure I am going to explain this well. She and I will always be friends (scares me to say that phrase now a little bit but I do believe that Honey and I will always be friends) and so nothing I do or she does - matters - it is how we feel about each other that does - and that love there is there and nothing can stop it. It is more like people with authority over me - I need their approval - like Nick, Mistress DM, Monseigneur E and I know that goes back to my parent thing. I never felt like my parents were proud of anything I did or approved of me as a person. Now, I know they are very proud of me and do approve of me but that little girl in me is still craving that approval.

But then the rest of the world I really don't care what they think of me. I worry about appearances - it is a big thing to me but if I piss someone off I don't care. I don't have a problem expressing views - especially views I am passionate about, but there are things I just don't think it is worth expressing myself about because it is almost like a waste of my time. I am weird - both sides of the scale trying to balance my life.

I wonder why it goes and comes for me...confidence. I will be a VERY strong confident woman and then other times I am very insecure little girl. I know a lot of it is hormonal for me. When I am pmsing and when I have my period, I am hypersensitive and become a insecure little girl.

I also feel more insecure since a relationship I was in that I am still working on getting over. I remember all the time it took me to "get past" things Don did to me and I did not even love Don so that other relationship just seems a lot bigger almost because I loved him. That seems weird when I think of the torture Don did to me. And it was torture. No other word for it. But I guess there can be just as much mental and emotional torture without touching someone....as he would say "fucking with peoples heads."

Well well such a fun post huh? lol

peace,
danae