Journal

Music: Dances with Wolves Soundtrack

Taken from my handwritten journal.....April 16th, 2002

I started my online journal back on October 28th, 2000. I started it because I was struggling with many things in my life and I wanted to make a change in it. So I thought working out some of my issues online would help. It was scary at first knowing that people that I don’t know would be reading about my life. And those close to me would. It meant that I had to be careful about what I wrote about…- as I just don’t want to hurt anyone. But sometimes it does happen. Because there are things that just have to come out.

The journal has helped me in so many ways. The journal has helped me be more open with myself. True to myself. The journal has helped me be more open with others because it is out there. They will see ME one way or another so I might as well let them see me from me instead of reading about me first. The journal has helped me see things in my life as it is there before my eyes to read and things will jump out. It has helped me deal with some issues because of that too - that it is there in print before my eyes.

One thing Nick has told me he always liked about me - is that I am real that I put myself out there. And I remember when I first started this journal I was scared and didn’t know if I could be open online knowing people were reading it. But because of this journal I grew as a person and obtained those qualities that Nick was attracted to in me. I am real - I am who I am and make no apologies for it. I like being me really I do - even though I am very depressed of recent months. I put myself out there because I am very open with people about my lifestyle. I do hope that people learn from me but the main reason that I blog is because it has helped me a lot.

When I started my journal, I asked all those that were close to me how they wanted to be referred to in my journal - whether it be by their name, initials, a nickname and so on. Everyone told me names, initials or nicknames and no one told me I could not mention them. And I never actually asked them if they minded me mentioning them - because the journal was for me to talk about things I wanted to and needed too.

I have asked people close to me if they want or don’t want certain events mentioned. I have done that lots with Di and Honey also. There were things in their lives that I wrote about because they spawned concern for them or spawned issues in me so I would write in my offline journal and hardly any of them ever made it to my online journal. I would mention, Di occasionally that I had written about something and she would say post it if you want but part of me just did not feel it was a good thing for her so I didn‘t. But that is because they were things about their lives - events in their lives, issues in their lives. If they are events in mine - and they are part of those events then I am okay writing about it - because it happened to me directly. Things and issues that are mine - happening to me I write about freely.

I have had a few people names in this journal change - and I asked them if they had a problem with that to let me know and neither expressed a problem with it to me. Those who have in my past whether it is a good friend I have lost touch of, my first love or those hurt or betrayed me did not get a choice in how they are named. So Brian is named with his first real life name because he was my first love. And Don is written about because he affected my life in a very big way. If a person affects my life and I have loved them or been disappointed by them - I am going to write about them. If I did not…- I would not be true to myself. It would be cutting out chunks of my life. And I used to do that and I was empty shell. I am not cutting out chunks of my life again.

peace,
danae