danae

Music: Evanscene, Coldplay, Linkin Park, U2 and a few others
Mood: tired but pretty good

Well I am sending out pictures to Ayn’s Place and so taking a few moments to also update the blogger. I know there will be a longer entry sometime – well I hope sometime - this weekend. Master bought new desks for the office tonight, so we are tearing apart the office this weekend and reorganizing it with new desks. So that should be interesting *smiles*

Today was a very vanilla day for me. Cleaning…Preparing some things ahead of time so that it would be easier when mealtime comes and also less oven time so that it is so not hot in the kitchen when Master gets home. He hates the heat. So, just trying to think ahead. After buying desks we went grocery shopping. We got a lot of things that are kind of staples to have in a kitchen that He did not have on hand. So, it was a big shopping trip. It is hard….I am not working and all the money He spent tonight even though it will be used for Him…I still felt guilty. Stupid huh?

I want to thank everyone for all the emails lately…I am sorry I have not had time to reply to anyone yet but I will…I promise.

Master and I had a disagreement last night. Not even sure that is the word for it. We talked it through though. This time during it something came up from His past. And it was my turn to remind Him that I am not His past. I am having some insecurities crop up from it and trying to just focus on Him and I. And that we are good together. He knows it and I know it and that is all that matters.

I did an Osho Zen tarot reading on us today and it was pretty good. The spread was called the Mirror…it does my current - body, heart and mind state. His current body, heart and mind state. And then our outside manifestations of the partnership and then also our inner spiritual purpose together. It was a pretty good reading though. The main focus on the cards was we are good and complete with each other. We need to focus on us and not think of past or outside influences. We have the world waiting for us and the possibilities for us are endless.

Last week I asked Master about why in vanilla relationships does it seem that it is encouraged to *not* be open and true to ourselves. I am making a broad generalization. But I also going on all my past vanilla relationships – especially with my ex-husband Jim.

I have told Master from day one…I am neurotic, passionate, intense, opinionated…I have told Him things I need such as a strong man that is not afraid of a woman who is very emotional. A man who will not leave me – when I am upset. I don’t want to be alone. He knew all those things. But in my vanilla relationships to tell the person I was with those things would have sent him packing, running, and leaving. And I am not saying it does not happen in D/s relationships too, but I have found that those I have been involved with D/s – vs. – Vanilla – have accepted those parts of me better even if they always could not handle them.

In my vanilla relationships I seemed to be encouraged not to share everything. That we are to have parts that we don’t show each other. Why is that? I just don’t get it.

I told Master of a time when I manipulated Jim because that I felt was the only way to get my “needs” met. The manipulation made me feel empty and just not good about myself. Because I was masking ME. When I finally had the courage to be ME…it scared him. It reminded him he was hiding from himself. And so he could not handle the truth and basically walked out of the room and closed the door behind him and said don’t tell me those things. He wanted to go back to pretending we were a “normal” everyday vanilla couple.

Am I normal? LOL (Okay Bill will say yes *inside joke between Bill and I) Anyway…I couldn’t do it….

I could not go back and pretend to be something I was not. I had to be true to myself. It hurt me to be anything but….true to myself. So now…

I lay all the good, the bad and the ugly out there and if they don’t like it then so be it…

And Master liked me…all of me. *smiles*

And now it is time for me to live and be happy. WOW….bout damn time….*grins*