Who is it about?

This was a post to a few email groups, but I wanted to repost here...

I asked the question on a few egroups - Who is it about? Is a D/s relationship about the submissive or the Dominant?

Here is what I wrote after the discussions on egroups and a discussion on IRC that I lead....

When I first heard “It’s not about you,” I thought it is not – that is true – it is not about me. I believed it was about the Dominant and what he wanted, needed and desired. But after hearing it used a lot, how it was used, and after being in a long term D/s relationship. It has now made me think about it more.

I do think that submissive submits to the will of the Dominant and what the Dominant want and needs but if the submissives needs were not being met and her emotional/mental/physical health were being harmed then why would the submissive stay. I think that it is the same for the Dominant if his needs are not being met and he was being harmed by the relationship then why would he stay. What good would come if either party in the relationship where doing something that would harm the couple as a whole?

It is D/s – it is a Power EXCHANGE – the Dominants uses his dominance over the submissive and the submissive submits to his will….it is a continuous flow. If the submissive stopped submitting the Dominant would not be in a D/s relationship. And if the Dominant stopped being Dominant over of the sub, then the submissive would not be in a D/s relationship. So how can it be just about one.

If one side thinks it is always about them and do not ever taken into account the needs of the others it would cause a strain in the relationship. There is a give and a take in all relationships – if it is all take on one said then that creates and imbalance and causes strain that will eventually lead to the relationship being torn apart.

I was in a discussion room where we used this as a topic – Who is it about…

Some basic ideas expressed were that the submissive gives of herself, at first in the relationship, more then Dominant exerts his Dominance over her. And because the submissive is giving so much of herself the Dominant says, “hey this is kind of nice” and just expects that this is how it is always going to be. Or see that this is all they have to “do” to receive her submission and trust. One of my theories why a submissive does this is because she does not want to rejected or told she is not a “good” submissive so she tries to overdo. The submissive then gets to a point where she cannot keep giving all she has or does not want to because she feels used and mistreated because she can’t feel or see his Dominance equaling the submission she gives him. I am not saying that this happens in all relationships. This was just the overall general consensus of the people in the chat room. And something I have seen in many relationships.

One submissive gave this as an example of Dominance and showing it is about both the Dominant and the submissive….she said that if she is making a sandwich and asks her Master if he would like one also – that that is a vanilla act of kindness. But if she was out mowing the yard and he called her in to make him a sandwich. Then that is submission from her and Dominance from him. But if that were to happen though on a regular basis without some kind of recognition that she would feel mis-used or taken for granted.

I wrote the question who is it about on some mailing list and someone came back saying that during punishment it is about the Dominant. I have to disagree. The rules are set and a submissive breaks the rule the punishment is set not because the submissive is “bad” or “worthless” but because there needs to be correction and consequences for the submissives actions. I believe the punishment is about both the Dominant and the submissive, because in the end the punishment is helping the submissive in serving the Dominant better – so it is about the Dominant. But the punishment is for the submissive because she does want to do her best in serving and she does need to know that there will be consequences for her actions. So it is to help her also.

I believe outwardly it does seem about just the Dominant, but inwardly it needs to be about both. I think in the short term it ends up being about the Dominant, but in the long term of the relationship it has to be about both. Because if you put a focus on just one side of the relationship eventually that imbalance will cause it a strain - to be weighed down and then pull apart. So in my D/s relationships it is about us because it is a Power Exchange.

I hope everyone has a very fulfilling relationship....

Good Night...

peace,
danae

Diary of an Old Guard Slave

I was going to do a brief intro of myself but not ready to do that yet so I will wait.

I am reading Vi Johnson’s book right now…Diary of an Old Guard Slave. And it is interesting but it also leave me wondering about lots of things….

BTW, side note…I want to thank my friends who gave it to me on my birthday. It meant more a lot to me more then I can explain.

I wish I were to know why her Owner’s did the things they did, why she did not go to her wife and say look I am feeling: fill in the blank – angry, neglected, used, worthless, tired, sick and so on, why her wife did not pull her out of some situations, why Vi felt and thought certain things, and how she kept going in the situations she was in.

I lived as a 24/7 slave for 2 years and things that Vi describes I also did….and it was hard to keep going day after day like that and Vi did it for years – 20 yrs or more. And I just do not understand how she kept it all inside and did not let it seep out.

peace and serenity,
danae

Blogger Here I Come...

This is my first post to my blogger...woohoo lol

I created a new name for myself today and so with that step into a new direction...I decided to creat this blogger and start posting my thoughts, rants, raves and whisperings.

I created a new name that fits me better then I think any other name has - Danae. There is a painting by Gustav Klimt titled Danae. I have been drawn to it for years. Here is a link to a picture of the painting: http://www.cs.virginia.edu/~dbi9m/klimt/pix/Women/pDanae.jpg

I did a search trying to find out what the painting meant...Who Danae was....And I found out that she is the mother of Perseus in Greek Mythology. When doing a search on Danae I came up with a site that told the meaning of names...and it had Danae listed.

It is what made me see that the name Danae was meant for me....

Here is what it read:
The name of Danae gives you a clever, quick, analytical mind, but you suffer with a great deal of self-consciousness, lack of confidence, and much aloneness because of misunderstandings. Your idealistic and sensitive nature gives you a deep appreciation for the finer things of life and a strong desire to be of service to humanity. There are times when you experience inner turbulence at your inability to say what you mean. It is far easier for you to express your deeper thoughts and feelings through writing than verbally. You find pleasure in literature, in poetry, and in your ideals and will turn to them when you feel you have been misunderstood. You are deeply moved by the beauties of life, especially nature. Because your feelings run deep, you must guard against the ups and downs, being very inspired one minute, then moody, reserved, and depressed the next. Your reactions to people vary according to how you feel. You tend to be secretive and noncommittal about private matters, yet at times you will talk effusively in order to hide your self-consciousness or to lead others away from personal subjects. You are inspired by encouragement from others, yet suspicious of their intent. You crave affection but seldom find anyone who understands your nature. Physical weaknesses would show in your heart, lungs, or bronchial organs.

Those above words describe me almost too well.....

So today I created the name Danae and start a new path....

Good Night...

peace & serenity,
danae