Who is it about?

This was a post to a few email groups, but I wanted to repost here...

I asked the question on a few egroups - Who is it about? Is a D/s relationship about the submissive or the Dominant?

Here is what I wrote after the discussions on egroups and a discussion on IRC that I lead....

When I first heard “It’s not about you,” I thought it is not – that is true – it is not about me. I believed it was about the Dominant and what he wanted, needed and desired. But after hearing it used a lot, how it was used, and after being in a long term D/s relationship. It has now made me think about it more.

I do think that submissive submits to the will of the Dominant and what the Dominant want and needs but if the submissives needs were not being met and her emotional/mental/physical health were being harmed then why would the submissive stay. I think that it is the same for the Dominant if his needs are not being met and he was being harmed by the relationship then why would he stay. What good would come if either party in the relationship where doing something that would harm the couple as a whole?

It is D/s – it is a Power EXCHANGE – the Dominants uses his dominance over the submissive and the submissive submits to his will….it is a continuous flow. If the submissive stopped submitting the Dominant would not be in a D/s relationship. And if the Dominant stopped being Dominant over of the sub, then the submissive would not be in a D/s relationship. So how can it be just about one.

If one side thinks it is always about them and do not ever taken into account the needs of the others it would cause a strain in the relationship. There is a give and a take in all relationships – if it is all take on one said then that creates and imbalance and causes strain that will eventually lead to the relationship being torn apart.

I was in a discussion room where we used this as a topic – Who is it about…

Some basic ideas expressed were that the submissive gives of herself, at first in the relationship, more then Dominant exerts his Dominance over her. And because the submissive is giving so much of herself the Dominant says, “hey this is kind of nice” and just expects that this is how it is always going to be. Or see that this is all they have to “do” to receive her submission and trust. One of my theories why a submissive does this is because she does not want to rejected or told she is not a “good” submissive so she tries to overdo. The submissive then gets to a point where she cannot keep giving all she has or does not want to because she feels used and mistreated because she can’t feel or see his Dominance equaling the submission she gives him. I am not saying that this happens in all relationships. This was just the overall general consensus of the people in the chat room. And something I have seen in many relationships.

One submissive gave this as an example of Dominance and showing it is about both the Dominant and the submissive….she said that if she is making a sandwich and asks her Master if he would like one also – that that is a vanilla act of kindness. But if she was out mowing the yard and he called her in to make him a sandwich. Then that is submission from her and Dominance from him. But if that were to happen though on a regular basis without some kind of recognition that she would feel mis-used or taken for granted.

I wrote the question who is it about on some mailing list and someone came back saying that during punishment it is about the Dominant. I have to disagree. The rules are set and a submissive breaks the rule the punishment is set not because the submissive is “bad” or “worthless” but because there needs to be correction and consequences for the submissives actions. I believe the punishment is about both the Dominant and the submissive, because in the end the punishment is helping the submissive in serving the Dominant better – so it is about the Dominant. But the punishment is for the submissive because she does want to do her best in serving and she does need to know that there will be consequences for her actions. So it is to help her also.

I believe outwardly it does seem about just the Dominant, but inwardly it needs to be about both. I think in the short term it ends up being about the Dominant, but in the long term of the relationship it has to be about both. Because if you put a focus on just one side of the relationship eventually that imbalance will cause it a strain - to be weighed down and then pull apart. So in my D/s relationships it is about us because it is a Power Exchange.

I hope everyone has a very fulfilling relationship....

Good Night...

peace,
danae