Random: TV, Trip, Food, Mail, Email, To Do

I can't sleep so some randomness...

TV

Sci-Fi is going to start running Firefly! I can't wait to watch them all again. I am such a Joss Whedon whore!

I am a sucker for Extreme Makeover Home Edition with Ty Pennington. As strange as this sounds it is the ONLY time we have local TV on.....and it just happened today because we got home around the time the TV timer came on to that show. I just cry and cry during it always. Tonight's was especially heart warming to me and so I went through almost 10 Kleenex!

I just saw an advertisement for The Closer which I know quite a few people are watching....and it looks like it will have an SM theme going on tomorrow night.

TRIP

Missed our kitty cats while gone

It went past fast but we accomplished the things needed too. It went better then I thought it would.

Even got some art done that I hope to finish it off with a shadow box frame. I altered a CD - covering it with strips of cloth and then sewing beads on it. I need to find one that is relatively cheap though - so if anyone has any ideas where I can find one please let me know. (6x6 or 8x8)

We leave again -- on Thursday to go out of town for the weekend again...that takes a lot out of me and I am sure when we get back I will be going into hibernation for a bit.

FOOD

We had really good pizza on Friday night. I want to look for the recipe for the dough online it was so good.

I am stuffed and we ate hours ago

Not food but I have went through 3 bottles of water within about 2 1/2 hours and I think I will be up urinating all night long

EMAIL/ONLINE

I got an email from someone living the area....and I have come to think I am a snob. I will explain this more I am sure later. It is a rant I do often of wanting to find M/s couples to form friendships with but not finding them.

Then the young college boy that wrote recently annoyed me too -- writing under the guise of learning more about BDSM, but also wanting pictures. Then sends me an invitation to join a picture sharing site -- where I basically I join and have a folder for pictures for him.

MAIL

Need to send out ATC's to several people....one was sent out Friday before we left as it was long over due. The rest are all ready to go...just need to get them mailed. Two are going over seas so I need to bring those to the post office. And I think the third might be a bit heavier then a 37 cent stamp so that will probably make a trip to the post office also.

I have a little package started for DM that I need to finish getting together and mailed out

I have a little something for Jessica, but need her new address - so if you read this could you email me that pretty please

I need to drop Lauren an email (which I will do right now) so that I can make sure I have her snail mail right to send her some art

Need to discuss with Master sending something else off that has been on my mind lately.

Need to email my best friend from high school as I owe her an email big time as she wrote me a really really long one a while back and I never answered it.

MONDAY TASKS TO REMEMBER

Need to wash the floor in the kitchen as it is a mess even though I washed it 2 times last week

Need to get packages together so we can take to mail before we go out of town again

Start on the themed ATC swap that I joined and hopefully get those sent out before we leave also

Unpack and do wash

then start a new pile to pack

Regular chores of course too

Neat Link....from Flickr

We just got home a little while ago from being away for the weekend....so I am kind of just relaxing catching up with email and blogs. I will post more later or tomorrow hopefully.

A fellow artist friend posted this link. I thought it was cool!

Thunder in the Mountain Memories

So have seen random posts on elists and in the blogworld talking about Thunder in the Mountains that is next weekend (July 22-24). And it was making me think of past Thunders as this year we are not going.

So here are the links to recaps of the weekend for 2003 and 2004:
Thunder 2003
Mini-Review Thunder 2004
Thunder Part 1 2004
Thunder Part 2 2004
Thunder Part 3 2004

Interesting Link.....

Good post on "The Origins of Modern Monogamy"

New Forum

There is a new forum out there....that I want to let everyone know about...

From the website: "A community for those interested in frank, honest discussion about TPE relationships and the many dynamics they form."

Changing Boundaries

We all change over time. Sometimes the boundaries we think are absolute are actually mutable. Accepting the universal understanding that ”all things change” is one step towards understanding how our thoughts, ideas and boundaries evolve over time. Recognizing this affect allows us to walk a more sustaining, dynamic path.

Our internal boundaries may not be realized until that boundary has been broached or revealed. For me over the years I have seen the scope and understanding of my boundary lines change. I once believed in the notion of limits and safewords, but as I've gotten to understand my enslavement I realize there might be things I don’t want to do, but I no longer have boundaries with Master. I’m not advocating that everyone needs to do away with boundaries, as everyone is different and that’s okay too.

One strong example of this deals with the idea of head shaving. There is an appeal because of the depravity, the reduction of one’s self and for me that concept is particularly hot. Whereas several years ago I would say head shaving was an “absolute internal boundary,” today I get very turned on by the mere thought of it. Does this mean I really want to have it done? I am not sure. That act invokes the deep emotional masochist within me – the love/hate relationship; specifically in the areas of humiliation and degradation. It’s an internal tug-of-war that is also quite mutable over time.

Now, if Master wanted to explore shaving my head, despite my misgivings and struggles with it, I would do it because he desired it. For me, that internal struggle sometimes creates a bigger turn on as it reinforces my place in my mind as well as bridges the need to be with someone who will explore those same dark images/areas. The act transforms into a desire because of what it symbolizes to me and how it’s internalized. The reality of being out in the world with a shaved head scares me (along with all of those similar things) yet it also turns me on at the same time.

Dominants have a similar mechanism, but I do not think of it in terms of boundaries. Master has several preferences and has a fairly narrow scope in how he wants to use me. Areas that are found in my own personal dark desires cache are not necessarily within that scope of what Master will do with me. That’s okay. Because ultimately what is important is that Master has the foresight when we approach areas and internal boundaries where my struggles and fears are. Instead of imposing his will, or forcing me to “just accept it,” he institutes a foresight approach where an act is anticipated so that it can be discussed and dealt with before hand. This minimizes the anxiety into more controllable portions.

One cannot underestimate the importance of knowing your partners through and through. The notion of “Master would never do X to me because it is a limit of mine” is not real in my world - as it’s not my place to decide. But this is where we took the time and effort to know each other in the beginning stages of our "courtship" (for a lack of better word). The process extended well beyond the discussion of kinks, dark desires and a general philosophy as it pertains to the lifestyle. It was important for us to discuss our worldly views on life, politics and what we wanted in a relationship because we both desired a permanent relationship that would last well beyond the confines of chain, whip, protocol and the lifestyle.

Not all internal boundaries have a love/hate attachment – some are wrapped around some painful emotional baggage I’ve had for years. Several months ago, Master went down on me. It is not something I enjoy. So, if he never had gone down on me – I would not have been upset. But it is something he desired and so he helped me get through it. He took things slow. By realizing how I react to some things, he put in place things to help me get through this…and well, when it came time and he went down on me, it wasn’t that bad. Am I desiring it? Did it automatically move from the boundary column to a desire column? No, but I also didn’t go through the same layers of panic as I’ve done in the past. That by itself is a huge step for me. Master’s foresight helped me get through this internal baggage I associated with receiving oral and he was very respectful of the deep emotional effect the act has on me. By instilling a caring, understanding environment, he helped me get through the situation and I believe it will become easier in the future, and maybe I will even desire it someday.

Another example.... One of Master's favorite fetishes is hoods (latex, leather, full, open faced, no matter.) Before meeting Master I had no inclination or desire to be put in a hood. There mere thought of a hood going on terrified me. I had several issues ranging from feelings of claustrophobia, to fearing I wouldn’t be able to breathe, to the psychological, emotionless, featureless coldness about them. He started things off very slowly. He put on an open face hood -- attached to no scene just laying there talking with the open face hood on. No sex, no other bondage, no s&m – just sitting there so that I can get used to them. As time wore on, he incorporated some elements, maybe some bondage, some light, controlled s&m, and some light touching.

He then moved to a very light see through cotton hood. Again things were taken at a very controlled slow pace, as just being in it and cuddling and talking with it on was a huge step. Master saw this and made sure there was no pressure. Each time one of the hoods would go on, he stepped it up a little more. Today, I’ve worked up to being in a leather hood with little slits for breathing. What was once was an internal boundary, has evolved into a desire. Hoods turn me on today when I remember a day when I never desired them. As I look at the more extreme hoods I get wet and dream about that day I can be in one. One day Master wants me in a fully sealed hood with only breathing tube. I’m scared, yet I’m wet at the same time.

It was important for me to realize that my internal boundaries have the ability to change over time.

However, this just doesn’t apply to hoods, bondage, or other activities within the bondage or sadomasochism arts – I’ve had several aspects of my M/s philosophy change over the years.

For instance, once upon a time I believed the philosophy that submission was a gift, but over the span of time I have a different understanding and perspective of what it means to me. I no longer subscribe to that belief. I have come into a different understanding and how it applies in my life.

Once upon a time, I thought I could never submit to a woman. I can and have since.

Once upon a time, I thought being a submissive just meant following rules and SM.

Once upon a time, I believed all the romantic M/s crap that I read online. It makes for good fiction, but hardly applies in reality.

Once upon a time, I thought being a slave meant never expressing my own opinion.

Once upon a time, I believed in SSC for myself. Today I believe in being aware of my risks, that edges that some say are unsafe and insane can be safe and sane for others, that consensual non-consent is a place I often end up and thrive in.

Once upon a time, I thought surrender would happen as soon as one was owned....oh boy did I fall hard on that.

Once upon a time, I thought service was just what the dominant told me to do. Now I have found out that often it is things that he never even sees that I do to enhance his life even without credit.

Once upon a time, I thought how things were in fantasy -- could be reality 24/7.

Once upon a time, I thought that you could only be a slave, if living with the Master 24/7.

Once upon a time, I thought D/s and M/s couples had a deeper connection then vanilla couples.

These revelations should not be a reflection of anyone else’s path or journey. For some, SSC is how they define their limits and that’s fine. For myself though – I’m on a different path. It doesn’t make my path better or further along, it just means it’s different.

But as I scroll up and re-read all of these things, I think “oh brother what I was I thinking!?” In some instances I got too caught up in the whole "group think" mentality and did not pay attention to my internal workings. There are so many different dimensions of thought regarding any singular issue. And to me the most responsible thing is to review all the angles and pick what is right for each of us.

There are very few absolutes in life. By our very nature, things change over the span of time. Coping and understanding changes leads us to better grasp on the evolving path which lies ahead. If we’re rigid and resistance to change, then we do not grow and we subject ourselves to the potential for falling down like a fragile house of cards. Recognizing that we live within reality, we increase the probability of growth and understanding of ourselves, of our place in the lifestyle and life in general.

Little Tidbits

This is going to be a random list of little life update tidbits...

Thank you Thank you to a friend for the wonderful package of paper and great ATC! I still owe you an atc and I will get that out next week....I am sorry!

Thank you Thank you DM Ma`am for the package! I have some things together that I need to get to you also! (side note: I loved the stickers on the envelope too, Ma`am)

I am a wimp! Today I had several moles removed to get tested for skin cancer and I am in pain. Well one spot was on my left shoulder blade. So now every time I move my left arm and hand it hurts (I am left handed) - so it is a little swollen and throbbing

Because Daddy said I was an extra good girl at the doctors office -- He brought me deal shopping at Big Lots! I am a bargin discount store whore...give me a place like Big Lots or Dollar Tree over Neiman Marcus and I am in heaven (mostly because I can't afford most things in Neiman Marcus unless they are having a really good sale). Master bought me quite a bit there. He even picked up some canvas' there. I am not sure the quality, but they will get used! He bought me an 22 x 48 and 2 - 11 x 14. And then he bought me tons of stickers, some stationary, gluesticks, and erasers (that I am going to carve to make my own rubber stamps). And also something from the hardware section I am going to use in art. Thank you Daddy!

More to come later

London

Marking the day...as it will be forever marked....

It is a horrible thing that happened. I can't image why we have such horrors happen in your world.....why we have such hate.

My thoughts are with those in London....hurt, injured and healing from this horrible tragedy.

Quiz

You Are 51% American

Most times you are proud to be an American. Though sometimes the good ole US of A makes you cringe Still, you know there's no place better suited to be your home. You love your freedom and no one's going to take it away from you!

How American Are You?

Quote - Richard Bach

"No matter how qualified or deserving we are, we will never reach a better life until we can imagine it for ourselves and allow ourselves to have it." -Richard Bach

Kindlings

a question from Kindlings.....

What words do you associate immediately with the following words?

fear - death
doubt - struggle
kneel - serenity
submit - yield
deprivation - sleep
responsible - irresponsible
brainwash - condition
collar - leash
tears - pain
complete - balanced
accountability - responsibility
isolation - closet
authority - Master

Live 8

Today is Live 8 - where series of 8 simultaneous global concerts are being held to allow people of the world to call on the leaders of the wealthiest countries to make poverty history.

It is on MTV right now.

Why is Live 8 happening.....well every 3 seconds in Africa someone dies. Every 3 seconds. That is unbelievable. 30,000 people die EVERY DAY! I feel ashamed to say that I did not know that until today. I did not know that the number was so staggering.

July 6 through 8, the "Group of Eight" get together and can....make history. From www.one.org: "The G8, or the ‘Group of Eight’ Summit is an annual gathering of leaders from the world’s eight wealthiest and most powerful countries (Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Russia, the United Kingdom and the United States). This summer, these leaders will gather in Scotland to decide the fate of an entire generation living on less than ONE dollar a day. On July 6th – 8th, President Bush and other G8 leaders will discuss the major social, political and economic conditions that leave nearly ONE billion people living in extreme poverty – nearly half of whom live in Sub-Saharan Africa. With your support and voice, President Bush and other world leaders will know just how important these issues are, and together as ONE, we can Make Poverty History this July."

They have a petition to sign online to urge President Bush to do soemthing about this proverty and make histry by eraticating it.

News...Politics

Sandra Day O'Conner is retiring

uggghhh!

Q&A about M/s and BDSM - 2

More questions...

I am curious if those in alternative lifestyles practice this when outside of their homes? For example, if you went to your family reunion would you act like your Master's slave?

I am always Master's slave no matter where we are at -- but most likely you would never notice it. I think people notice something, but nothing they can peg down. But most of the protocols and nuances of our relationship you would not notice happen.

Such as I always wait for permission to eat - even with family or friends, but no one notices as we are so subtle.

Does the relationship goes beyond a sexual one? (Meaning, if you are a slave, are you a slave in all areas or just when it comes to sex?)

I am always a slave...even beyond the bedroom. I serve and obey him always.

What happens if the slave decides he/she doesn't want to be a slave anymore? Can you just "quit"?

I can't ever imagine not wanting to be a slave....it is just a part of me so I need this. I can't quit having blue eyes....it is a part of me. And so is being a slave. I don't want to quit.

Do I have bad days and think gosh I just wish he would go get his own coffee? Yes, I do have days like that but I am duty and honor bound...and I can't go back on what I said I would do. That would hurt me more in the long run...so I just get through bad day as best as I can. (side note: Master gets his own drinks, snacks, and coffee a lot.)

Just like with any other relationship -- it is good to get to know a person before becoming committed to them....so that you know their ethics and morals. So you know if this is someone that you will mesh well with long term.

Faith...Trust...

True faith
is
complete trust
without understanding:
It is to accept
silence
silently.

- The Tao is Tao, 22