Rule the World

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Packing List....

We are going to a kinky gathering tomorrow.  I was checking my list of things to pack/bring....

Pasta Salad
Spoon for salad
Brownies
M&M's
Plates, silverware, mugs
Kettle
Hot Cocoa and Tea
Paper Towels
Towels
Ziplock bags
Bottled Water
Leash
Gag
Cuffs
Ibuprofen, Inhaler, allergy meds
Garbage Bags
Blankets
Winter coats, earmuffs, gloves

This list amuses me....because of course it seems like a regular old list for people going on a picnic/camping. But right there in the middle you can see a few things that aren't regular camping items.Looking forward to getting together with like minded people tomorrow.

Sneeze on Command

You know he can just get into my head and spin it in many directions that I think up is down. It is so so...well frustrating...because I will be going "huh what just happened" and be completely turned on at the same time. I have said to him before jokingly, "You have brainwashed me to think it is perfectly normal do that to me." He just looks at me like, "Yeah so." 

Really not sure it is brainwashing or mind control, but instead I see it more as forms of conditioning and training me. Not just my training me how he likes his coffee, but to train me to react the way he wishes...even my brain. Okay so maybe I am in denial about it being brainwashing and mind control.


One day I felt a sneeze coming, but it wouldn't. For about 20 minutes (maybe not that long just seemed like a long time to me) I struggled and just wished the freakin sneeze would come out. I said that outloud to Master as we were watching a movie. We sat there a few minutes, he paused the movie, turned to me, and said, "sneeze." I sneezed. My mind is conditioned to obey him so I sneezed when he ordered me to do so.

Could he just tell me to sneeze when I wasn't feeling it coming - I am not sure it would work. But I do know the seeds he plants often flower exactly when he wishes.

Mentors in BDSM Community

This is one of my soap box issues I am writing about.  I will also state by putting something on the internet I do know that I will get opinions that differ from mine and I am fine with that because for me people reading more than one perspective is always a good thing.

The definition of Mentor:

noun

1. a wise or trusted adviser or guide

I am not a fan of having mentors. I think forming friendships is better than having a mentor. Because friends know you, know what you are seeking, what you like and dislike, and have your back. I think often a person asks someone to be their mentor when they really don't know them well and how can that person help you when they don't really know you has always been my question. As it says in the the definition above "trusted" and to me often people ask a mentor to guide them without really forming trust or knowing the mentor well enough to know if they are wise and can be trusted.

In my years of being in the BDSM community, honestly, I haven't seen many mentors be close to the definition. There are some, I am just saying the majority don't end up like the definition. I am going to share the mentorships I have seen and why they never seem to work well:

1) It's a Show & Ego - It's all about appearances and who knows who. The mentor might be someone big in the community or even nationally recognized so they will be a great mentor, right? Really just because someone is recognizable within the BDSM community doesn't automatically make them a good mentor. It usually ends up just being about the appearance - the person being the mentor and the mentee get something out of those feelings...makes both feel like they are special. But it doesn't mean that they are being a wise and trusted adviser and guide. Or even know each other enough to make it a good mentorship.

2) Lacking Experience - Sue is mentoring Mary. Mary wants to feel wax and so Sue recommends Carl. Sue doesn't really know Carl, but just going off that demo she saw one time, but doesn't want to admit that she doesn't know him. Come to find out Carl has actually burnt several s-types. OR the other scenario - Sue reads a couple essays and then decides to just try it on Mary even though she has never done it before. My point Sue is lacking experience and doesn't want to say that. The mentor doesn't want to look bad so they guess instead of saying "I will need to research that and ask around to find a person that is good for you." Going to my friend she will say "hey, I had such and such do wax on me and it was amazing." Can a mentor say that too, yes, but I have seen it far too often as the mentor not wanting to "look bad" so they fake it.

3) Maid & BJ Service - Dan is a d-type and the mentor. Fran is the s-type and the mentee. Dan is going to mentor Fran in the guise of "training" - so Dan is getting a maid and blow job service. A friend can tell you about the lifestyle without having you clean their house.

4) Just a User - Sally is mentoring Joe. Every time Sally and Joe go out to eat, he pays. She sees something in a shop she wants and Joe offers to get it for her. She might do the polite thing of saying, "oh no," but eventually it comes back to "yes please do buy it." Their relationship ends up being more about him buying her stuff than about guiding and advising.

5) Blurred Boundaries - Frank, a d-type, is mentoring Greta who is an s-type. They have sex and bdsm involved in the mentorship so that she can learn and feel different toys and sexual techniques. It starts to blur boundaries and meaning of relationship. One of two things happen often when this type of relationship is set up - Greta starts falling in love with Frank and he ends the relationship so then instead of dealing with a mentorship ending she is dealing with a broken heart OR Frank might not see things as objective and not give Greta a full scope of information because that boundary has been crossed. When you go to friends, you are getting each of their own perspectives based on their experiences, but that is why you have more than one friend so you can get different views and a good friend will push you to find your own view too. And again friends know you and what you are seeking so can come at it from that direction.

6) One True Way - Hilda tells Jane who she is mentoring - one view - her own. So Jane might view SSC as the only way because Hilda never shared RACK or PRICK. Going to friends you are getting each of their views and again friends encourage each to find our own views.

7) As Protection - I think many s-types use it as a crutch so they don't have to deal with anyone. They don't like confrontation or conflict so someone else gets to deal with the d-types writing them or hitting on them in person. I get some d-types can be pushy, but all you can do is to tell them no and to back off. A mentor or protector won't do anything else. If you are having problems with confrontation and standing up for yourself, it is my suggestion to look into why you have those issues and work on them. Personal responsibility is a lot more sexy then most people give it credit. The dominants worth their weight in gold - are the ones that see you standing up for yourself and being a strong, capable person and like it. If you are having problems with a dominant - go to your friends first. Because if I want someone to have my back, my friends will do that better as they know me. I can say "hey if you see so and so approach me come and check on me." I am not meaning just s-type friends. Make d-type friends, because if it gets to the point of someone being too assertive having a d-type at your back when you say no isn't a bad thing. Again I am not saying don't have protection, but have protection in the form of a friend because they know you. But just letting you know if you stand up and say no to those pushy dominants - eventually sets a reputation up that you won't be walked over and that just because you are submissive doesn't mean you submit to every Tom, Dick or Harry that comes along.

Do I believe in learning, exploring and safety? Absolutely, but I think there are so many ways to do that. Having community that does discussions and demos. Creating friendships of like minds. Reading and joining in discussions online all help in educating ourselves. Using all these things will help you figure what you want and desire.

Necktie on the Doorknob

Master had a rare appointment this afternoon where he had to wear a tie. I set his clothes out and hung the tie over the closet doorknob.

This is the convo we had as he got dressed:

Him: does the a tie over the doorknob mean you want sex?
me: I always want sex, but technically that tie is on the closet doorknob so not sure that means the same thing.
Him: that means you want to be locked in the closet.
me: mmms yes I think that is it Master.

Yes I love sex and it turns me on, but the thought of being locked in the closet turn me on more. I think I might be kinky.

Edit to add: My first thought that came to me when thinking of being locked in the closet was Master having sex with someone while I was locked in the closet.

Sustainable Service

I am posting (with permission) an essay by my good friend Jouet to our website. It is titled Sustainable Service - here is a quote from it:  

"Because “service equals reverence/gratitude/love” to me in some way that stubbornly defies logic. Above all else, my struggle is because I think he is an amazing rock star and it seems like I cannot give him “enough” in return."

Just Life

photo of Rocky Mountain National Park.

I haven't done a life update in a long time so thought I would throw out what is going on....

* Last weekend Master took me a place that had special memories for me. It was a place that my ex-husband and I used to go. I didn't want to re-write those memories, but I just wanted memories with Master there. It was almost 17 years to the day that I was there last with my ex-husband - Master I were there.  Master and I had a great time and made some amazing memories! I appreciate him making time in his schedule to make that happen for me and us.

* This week many of those areas are covered with water and being evacuated. It is so sad.

* Friends: Excited to see friends, who we haven't seen a while, this week.  We have been enjoying the company of another friend this past week.  Thankful for a conversation with a friend that helped me in some areas I am struggling.  Thankful to yet another friend creating an interesting week by throwing me under the bus a few times. :)

* Our town has had a more active community the last several months. Master and I have become more active in it. We are enjoying getting to know people. Something we were really wanting were discussions and demos and that has been happening.

* Because of being more active - you might have noticed I have been more active in blogging as I have had more ideas for topics.  Which is why I am going to be blogging about some basic things, because our community does have quite a lot of people new to BDSM.

* Drama and gossip happens in all groups. But I can say that is one thing I didn't miss about being active in a community. It has been hard, because as much as I have missed community - sometimes the drama and group think really can take a toll on me and I think I survived for 10 years without it so do I really need it?

* I  am about embracing the whole community though. Even those that I don't agree with or even people I don't like that much - we all are still part of the people under the same umbrella - BDSM community.  If we can't come together for the better of the community then we have no business talking.  It kind of reminds me of the quote that Dr. Brene Brown uses in her book Daring Greatly by Theodore Roosevelt - "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."  I am in the arena and I doing my best and doing what is right for everyone in the community - not just myself. Because of course it is for myself - I want community so there is something there for me. But I see a bigger picture and maybe that was because I was so involved with a great community in Ohio.

* End of February Master updated my phone to an iPhone. I have been taking photos non-stop since then. I submitted some photos to an author when they had a call for submissions.  I really didn't think I would be chosen, but I was, so one of my photos will be published in a book.

* Master and I have been traveling so much.We have put 20,000 miles on the car in 9 months.

* I had an end of the summer cold that lasted 2 weeks. I still have some cough, but the cold is gone. 

* This year has been a great year for me creatively - art, photography and poetry.  I just have put so much of myself into it and I feel the joy coming of it in waves.

* Having lots of joy through creativity, but I am also struggling with loss of myself in movement.  My body is giving way to illness and I am having to learn how to do things differently now.

* Gratitude is a practice - that I try to engage in daily.  Thought I would share some from of my positives from my life the last couple months: Poetry dates, taking photos of old buildings, spankings from Master,  meeting new friends, dressing up, naps, being published, art time, brownies, game night, laughing, tea, therapy, bruises that make me smile every time I look at them, a clean house, Chinese food while watching John Stewart, playing in the park (not BDSM play just having fun in a park - dancing, taking goofy photos and so on), fans for hot summer days, mindfucks, sleep, doodles, pretty drives and time with Master, pink toenails, hot fudge sundaes, books, art supplies, and productive days.  I could go on and on. I really love the practice of gratitude as it helps me with my daily outlook on life. Helps me move forward on pain filled days where I start to feel hopeless.

* Adding this....we just revamped our website and Master and I both talked about moving our blogs completely over there.  How would you feel about having one place for M's and my blog?   I will tell you I will have a little bit of a problem moving, but only for sentimental reasons of blogging on blogspot for 13 years next month.  But thought I would throw it out to the actual people reading my blog.  Please feel free to leave a comment or email me.

Goodwill Shopping is Good*

Yesterday kaya wrote about shopping at Goodwill over on FetLife. At first I "hearted" the post and then I realized Goodwill was in the title.

See this is Master's fun at Goodwill, but not so much fun for me: He likes it for humiliation. Going and finding clothing that is too small or finding a muumuu or Grandma's housecoat type dress. Then threatening to make me wear it around town.  So, I was like okay Master has already been inspired by kaya once this week,  I really don't need him to be inspired by the Goodwill post she did so I will unlike that post and hopefully he won't see it on his FetLife feed.

Well unfortunately, Master still saw the post.  He causally mentioned Goodwill, but didn't say if we were going. I just kept my mouth shut as we went on our way doing our various stops around town.  One stop was going to look at mascara at a Clinique counter at a local department store.  I found some I liked and the clerk said, "Would you like to participate in Goodwill day?"  I turned red and choked out, "What is Goodwill day?"  All the while inside I was screaming at her for mentioning the evil words Goodwill.  (Goodwill day is where they donate a percent of all purchases to Goodwill.)

Thankfully Master didn't have us go to Goodwill, but it is still floating around in his head. He really doesn't need help with being sadistic and this week I am blaming kaya for being a source of inspiration.

*I was ordered to do that title. Goodwill shopping isn't good!

Restrained Property

On The Slave Register group on FetLife, there was questions about keeping property in restraints. So thought I would write my answer up as a blog post. Adding some more information to it. 

Master and I have been together 10 years. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday I was stepping off the plane to meet him for the first time.  When I first visited Master, I stayed for a month. In that month, he kept me restrained, locked up, and isolated. It was because....well, both of us get off on that and because he was training me. He was slowing me down and getting me to focus on him.  I lived in Cleveland, Ohio at the time and I was a social butterfly. I had things to do all the time and was just very busy so slowing me down to make me focus on him was exactly what I needed. If I had been brand new to the lifestyle, I am not sure we would have been doing something like this, but really it just depends on the people and what they desire.

My suitcase got locked in the closet and I was stripped naked and cuffed. He would allow access to some items as time went on - such as sexy lingerie so I could dress up for him. Clothes became a privilege he only issued when we were going to go out. He kept me isolated away when I was first arrived so I didn't go out often. At bedtime, one ankle cuff was locked to a chain that was locked to the bed.  He sometimes left me chained to the bed in the morning when he went to work because again he was trying to get me to slow down.  I didn't get much sleep in Ohio, so he was trying to get me to sleep and rest.  The first morning he did that I discovered a problem.  The chain wasn't long enough to go to the toilet in the bathroom. The night before I had put a large plastic cup next to the bed with water.  I took that cup and because I  could just reach the sink with my arms - I emptied it and peed in the cup.  Master loved that I had to piss in a cup.  He almost thought of keeping it that way, but then decided no if I needed to toilet for a bowel movement or throw up - I would need the chain longer so he bought a longer chain.

I cleaned house in the wrist and ankle cuffs - sometimes with a chain between them and sometimes he left the chain off.  At times I was locked away when not serving. I have been locked in a cage to sleep and just kept.  All these things re-enforced my status within his household.  Helped me slow down and focus on him. He became the center of my world and in the type of relationship we wanted and have - M/s and O/p - really that is needed. All those things helped train me to be his slave and property.

Over the years there have been times he has still done those things, but not as long term as that first 30 days.  Some things get harder and harder for me to do because of my health issues also.  So he has to balance if he locks me heavy cuffs to a chore, that might mean I can't move the rest of the day because of pain. 

Being restrained like that does change the way I think and feel though and sometimes just to have those feelings is worth the pain I have on the backside of it. I always feel and know I am Master's property, but  those feelings are heightened with the restraints and locks and such. It also feels more primal because it makes me feel like his object and his captive. It makes me more pliable, demure and submissive.

It does have sexual aspects too it.  It is something that I fantasized about for so long before Master and then it became my reality with him.  But as time went on it really did depend on the situation on if it turned sexual for me. I remember a few times where it just annoyed me and did nothing for me sexually. Other times it felt just very utilitarian, but my body still reacted. And yet other times it was totally sexual even if cleaning or doing mundane tasks.

It can be impractical in general keeping a slave in restraints, but that really is some of the purpose to me to help figure out how to do this task without them getting in the way - such not getting my leather cuffs wet (we have a set that just is used for this purpose so they do get beat up more because of it). But I try hard to not have the o-ring on them bang a glass while loading the dishwasher because it could break it. I have to really focus on my movements and what the things I have on will do with the task at hand. It is difficult to do many tasks and sometimes hurts with chains, locks, cuffs digging in as I do the task. Although it does make me focus on the task sometimes it made me feel good inside being locked up like that and knowing it pleased Master that I do these tasks like that - other times it annoyed me. It is more impractical now because I have some health issues and chains and cuffs hurt more now and doing one thing might have lasting impact for days.

Over all I think having the restraints especially locking ones and being kept naked - really re-enforced my status in his house. I think it was the perfect thing to do - to train me to focus on him and my service. It made those internal workings really know I am his slave and property - he owns me and I have to obey him.

His Hands

I love Master. I pretty much worship him.  I can't imagine being with anyone else.  I get obsessed with certain things about him every so often.  Today we were traveling to a little town near us and I kept staring at his hands.

I love his hands.
I love feeling his spankings as he is a drummer and drummers make the best spankers.
I love how his hand wraps around my wrist, guiding me, and watching me become demure and pliable under that one act.
I love his hands wrapping in my hair and shoving me down to my knees to suck his cock, holding me in place, choking and then setting the tempo to his desire.
I love that he pushes and pulls my body into position - to please him, to writh for him, to entertain him, to amuse him as I struggle against his grip.
I love to feel his hands sliding down the side of my face and smiling at me with love, affection, passion.
I love that the next moment he takes his hands and shoves me against the wall
I love that I see the sadist looking back at me as he wraps his hand around my throat.
I love the feeling his hands on my body and knowing they claim me as his and only his.
I love that he takes me in any way he desires - by probing, grabbing, slapping, shoving, pinning, plundering, reducing me to whatever he wishes.
I love when he twists my hair into his fist and growls in my ear.
I love that he grips and probes my body with strength and ownership.
I love feeling his hand slapping my face over and over so violently that takes my breath away.
I love his grip around my throat, pinching my nose closed, covering my mouth - restricting my breath making me breath only for him.
I love when he holds me down, digging his fingers into my flesh that leave bruises and show me where I belong.
I love to when he uses his hands to make me suffer and cry tears for him.
I love feeling his hands slapping, punching, shoving, grabbing, twisting, pinching, clawing, choking, beating, stroking, caressing, soothing - all things that touch me and claim me as his property.
Damn I love him and his beautiful strong hands that torment me and love me all at once.

His Authority Over My Life

Master does exercise authority over most things in my life. Some of them are things he told or trained me to do and expects I will obey and fulfill them without him having to go over it each and every time. Some things he tells me what to do each and every time.

To read about the specifics of that authority and control over my life go to our blog on within Reality: His Authority Over my Life 

For those that read my reply to the Master/slave group - my blog expands on the specifics areas of control.