Ponderings....

I wrote this on Feb 14th but did not get it posted......

Today (Feb 14) I spent some time talking to Monseigneur_E’s slave. We had not talked in while because ICQ has been messing with us lol

Anyway, she said she does not feel “submissive.” Like on Saturday night with the Dominant I played with he brought feeling out in me that were very characteristic submissive feelings for me – those feelings she does not feel. So her comments of not feeling submissive had me thinking today. Does that mean that I am not submissive? (Oh Mistress DM is going to love that comment) Okay maybe the word is that I am not naturally submissive. Being submissive is work to me. It is hard to let go. It is hard to submit. There are sometimes when it is easy and that scares me. There are other times it feels like it is a constant struggle. There have been conversations with Mistress DM where I wanted to tell her off and all I could say is “Yes, Ma’am.” In those moments it was a struggle to submit but it almost was like I did not have a choice in submitting. Okay so repeating that back to myself – “ I did not have choice in submitting” – would to me imply it is naturally there and I struggle against it. So maybe Monseigneur_E’s slave just does not struggle with it. She just accepts who she is and because I have that struggle is why I feel the submission and she does not.

With Don I did not have a choice in submitting. It was that way constantly. There was not one moment in which I even thought of not submitting. Yes, I had struggles with things he asked but not because I did not want to submit it was because the task was hard. But in the end I did it. Because I knew the consequences for not doing as told. I did not have choice.

Oh I can hear those that would say if you did not have a choice then it is abuse. I disagree. I do not have choice in being an artist. I am one. So because I do not have a choice in that does that make it that I am being abused? Forced to be an artist. No, it means I can either do what is in my soul fully or half way (which I do with my art a lot). So there is a choice but there is not a choice. I cannot select not to be an artist. I can choose the degree in which I do my art though.

I can almost hear the Dominant I played with and Mistress DM in my head saying that I choose to struggle. Am I right? LOL

Okay then why do I choose to struggle? Why do I just not submit and be fulfilled?

Just some ponderings for the day…..