19 Years

Today we met some like-minded people for coffee and we were asked how long we have been in the lifestyle. When the words of how long I have been in the lifestyle came out, honestly I felt old. I have been in the lifestyle a long time now. I  remember when it was 7 years coming out of my mouth in Ohio and it sounded so long. But now....wow I have been enjoying kink since I was 16. I have had elements of kink and D/s in all my intimate relationships since then, but didn't really have a name for it until 1994. In 1994, I found words for what it was and became more active in BDSM. Now it is 2013 so that means I have been doing this for 19 years.  I said 20 today because I was thinking I was 25 or 26 years old, but  I came home and started looking through old journals to figure it out and I was actually 27 years old. 

So in this time, I have spoken at a variety of meetings, groups and events about being a slave.  I have been published by Power Exchange Books.  I have been expressing my thoughts on this blog since 2000. I lived in a large poly household as a slave for several years.  And last, but not least I have been owned by Master for 10 years. Looking at all that....I am not sure how it makes me feel, but I do know I  feel I am always growing and learning even though I have been doing this a long time.  

Many things have changed over the years. But life is about learning and growing to me so I am thankful that I am still here and still thinking, writing, and discussing. Setting goals and moving towards them. Exploring and discovering new ways and new perspectives. I think is it amazing to have had the opportunity to do so much, see so much, experience so much and still keep seeing and learning. I hope that part of me never dies. 

Slave Inferior?

I am Master's slave and property. This means we don't have an equal relationship. It means we aren't peers. We are Master and slave - Owner and property.  It does mean I am subordinate to him - in a lower rank in our hierarchical relationship.  

Does that mean I am inferior?  I can answer this logically and say no but sometimes emotionally things get skewed for me where I am not sure I could answer that no. I believe Master is smarter and stronger than I.  It doesn't mean I can't be strong. It doesn't mean I don't have knowledge that he has found useful because I am a capable adult woman with a variety of skills that he loves to utilize.  

I will say Master does utilize humiliation and degradation as a way to make me feel inferior.  Not as way to show me my place. But more as it just rocks our socks off.  It is a fetish and it turns us on so we stomp around in those areas.  I love what it does to my head and body.  I am not really enjoying it while it is going on - mentally and emotionally - I fight against it. But physically while it goes on - I am SOAKING wet. I am so turned on - my skin is one big raw nerve.  After it is done and we are basking in the glow of having an amazing fuck fest then that glow spreads to mentally and emotionally. I love that I walk over those coals with him and just end up accepting it.  Often for days to weeks after, I will replay it over and over and over just to get off again. 

Really many things that happen in our relationship, I believe many would think Master treats me as inferior. Maybe he does, but it is my normal view of our relationship so maybe I am just skewed in what is inferior. I like our relationship and how it works and flows that really is all that matters. 

Sick and Horny

You know what sucks is being totally sick with a cold and being incredibly horny and knowing I wouldn't last if I even tried.  Add in that I don't want to get Master sick, but damn I have been having wicked thoughts and my cunt has been dripping.

Sex Dreams of True Life

The other night on the phone with teacup, Master mentioned something about his ass...honestly I am not sure what the conversation was, but probably something very benign like his ass was dragging because he was tired.  We had this conversation right before bed....so I had a dream about something that happened one of the times teacup visited.

We put in bad porn. I mean it - it was bad - we didn't know it was going to be bad, as we hadn't ever watched it. So put in the porn and then Master was lying over the liberator. Teacup and I were touching and kissing him all over. Our attention was focused solely on him.  One thing I did was lick his ass. I had done it before, but it had been a long time since the last time.  It was a lot of fun and he enjoyed it.  So I dreamed about licking his ass and sucking his cock. Always the makings for good dreams!

Mentor or Not

I feel I am always growing, learning and changing even though I have been involved with BDSM since I was 16 and I am now 45. I would rather just be there for people seeking mentors to answer questions, discuss topics and build friendships than be a mentor. But I am always open to answering questions, being there for anyone that needs some guidance and friendship.

I don't always feel mentorships fulfill the purpose of the what being a mentor actually means (look at dictionary definition of being a mentor). Most of the time I see mentorships as being a d-type taking on an s-type and then it ending up about sex and play which is not what being a mentor actually means. To me there is a difference between trying to guide and teach someone verses someone exploring their desires. 

When I wanted to feel the spider whip (a single tail with lots of tails instead of one). I went to the person who was known to be good at it and asked if he would use it on me. If I had a question about what it means to be a submissive - I went to submissive groups, I read, I asked like-minded people and friends and then decided on my own what it means for ME.

Really I am not sure I believe in mentorships, but instead just growing and learning from friends, talking with like minded people, participating in online forums, reading websites and books about the lifestyle. Gain lots of different perspectives and then find your own beliefs and things you are curious to explore. And then go out and explore that with common sense and two feet on the ground.

30 Days of Kink - Day 21

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)

Marketplace series by Laura Antoniou - this is hands down my favorite BDSM fiction.  My favorite in the series is The Reunion.  

This is a quote from it - it is in regards to Robin discussing her life in service to Chris Parker on the plane to Ireland....

"It was everything you said, everything you wrote, about the balance between owner and owned, the sense of knowing your place in the world and the strength that comes from that. Oh, I guess there were some days when I hated the workload, or I was just exhausted - but I never hated my life."

I looked at my books tag on my blog because I know I have talked about books enough here that I would have some info about BDSM fiction and non-fiction I have read. 

Here is a BDSM Book Meme that has books I read in bold, books I loved underlined.

I contributed an essay to a Power Exchange book.

Book reviews of The Academy and The Reunion by Laura Antoniou. 

Quotes from The Academy.

My Laura Antoniou fan-girl story.

Some small book reviews on some BDSM books.

Just to add some of my favorite (non-bdsm) books have helped me in service too...such as Home Comforts by Cheryl Mendelson or Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden. 

The previous 30 Days of Kink entries.